Michael Richards
 | |
| Birth Date | June, 1885 (He was sad when he found out the south had lost) |
|---|---|
| Birth Place | Blacks Are Weird, Alabama |
| Nationality | Caucasian |
| Occupation | Leader of The ILBP (I Love Black People),"Comedian", Some white supremacy affiliations, Anthropologist, Actor, Using forks |
| Religion | Hennigan's-drinking Mormons |
Michael "That Nigger Guy" Richards (born July 24, 1949) is a well-respected American actor, witty comedian, and amateur anthropologist who is standing behind you right now with a pitchfork and noose. He is also known for being a racist, and is thus not so different than you and me. We'd all get along pretty well, actually. Except, I'm not really racist. As a comedian, he believes himself to be hilarious, yet his wit falls shorter than a quadriplegic without arms can throw a baseball. He is most well known for his role as Kosmo K. Kramer on the sitcom "Seinfeld" and has since continued his success, if not become more famouser for his roles in "Kentuckistan Fried Niggers" and his directoral debut in House Of 1,000 Niggers the latter of which earned over $10 at the box office (The three people who saw the film were a Neo-Nazi skinhead, a Klansman, and Jerry Seinfeld, who continued to make stupid excuses for Richards' racist behavior the whole time he watched the film.) He worked as a airplane-mechanic in Tulsa, Oklahoma with Indiana Jones and later battled him in the "Gunning of innocent african-americans".
Early life[edit | edit source]
Michael Richards spent the first 14 years of his life literally digging himself out of his first home, which was among a race of subhuman mole-people. His brief life with the moles gave him an extraordinary sense of smell, as well as the ability to see through peoples' souls. He found his way to the surface by way of following the scent of a captured mole-brother of his, whom was being held captive by the US government in a secret bunker inside the confines of Area 51.
Once at the surface, he was adopted by a family of racoons, who knew that a boy of his age needed some education, so they sent him to the Devon School in New Hampshire. There, he gained a roommate named Phineas, who was by far the best athlete in the school.
Despite the obvious differences between the two (i.e. Richards' habit of quoting Nickelback songs and Finny's tendencies to not listen to fag music), they became the best of friends, and one day, since they had nothing better to do than risk their lives, decided to jump off a tree into a river.
Unfortunately, Phineas lost his balance on the branch, and fell onto the riverbank, shattering one of his legs. The river flooded, and began to carry Finny downstream. Young Michael knew he needed to save his friend, as the river flowed directly to Boo Radley's house, who had been known to capture and devour teenage boys alive, after luring them into his lair by means of hypnotism. It was about this time that a butterfly fluttered past Richards' head, and so he became distracted, convinced that he must catch the precious insect, and thus forgot all about saving his doomed friend. Finny was never seen again, but that night it was reported that extremely inhumane-sounding shrieks and clucking noises were heard around the vicinity of Boo Radley's mansion.
A few weeks later, he was in a police holding cell being interrogated about Finny's disappearance when one of the law enforcers (who happened to be black) tripped and smashed his face on the corner of the desk, successfully breaking his nose and jaw, and messily severing his left eye. In the far corner of the room, a police official snickered to himself as the injured man screamed and writhed on the floor, staining the carpet a sickly shade of red. Richards saw the man smirking and decided that he wanted to grow up and make everyone feel as happy as that man was. He would become a comedian. (The injured man later died from infection after a shard of one of his teeth impaled his good eye.)
Career[edit | edit source]
Once out of school, Richards found work as a pro Lite Brite installer. His enormous height and cruel use of racial slurs gave him a huge advantage over every one of his opponents. Of course, except for the black ones. This made him mad. In fact, one night during a very competitive game against their rivals, Richards' team was down by two points with seven seconds left. Rchards got ball control and made a last second three-point shot that would have made it in, if it weren't blocked by the biggest, blackest man on the other team. Richards was so infuriated that after the game when the man offered his hand in friendship and told him "Good game," Richards bit off three of his fingers and pushed him down a flight of stairs.
Despite this being rude and in quite poor taste, people found it hilarious and soon a TV producer had requested him to be a character on the show "Seinfeld." The sitcom became extremely popular and ran for nine seasons and sparked the Communist revolution in China. After the show ended, all of the main leads (including Michael Richards) deliberately decided not to have any other success in anything else because they felt that they had already earned so much money and fame that it would be unfair to the rest of the world to have any more. He is now a high ranking member of the Ku Klux Klan, as well as the Jew Klux Klan.
Anthropology Scandal[edit | edit source]
In November 2006, Richards posited that African-Americans were the missing link between Homo sapiens sapiens and their simian ancestors. This theory was met with much debate, mostly because Richards voiced it onstage at The Laugh Factory comedy club.
Several anthropologists in the audience countered Richards' theory by discounting his academic credentials and calling him a "cracker-ass motherfucker."
Ignoring these ad-hominem attacks, Richards called his transitional fossil species Homo sapiens niggers, and explained that their chief cause of death according to the fossil record was a fork up the ass.
To popularize his discovery, Richards went on to perform stand-up in Compton, and began shouting "Nigger" at a group of innocent Afro Americans (they had Afros), lit fire to a cross, and lynched several of them before going on a drive by shooting spree spanning all the way to New Orleans, where he taunted black Hurricane Katrina victims while beating their infants to death with Neo-Nazi Doc Martin boots.
This episode of Seinfeld was unaired until now.
Richards was also in another Seinfeld sketch trying to be more appealing to niggers:
Apology[edit | edit source]
Richards apologized for this incident on The David Letterman Show a few days and a few stand up acts later when the guilt finally caught up with him. He and Jerry Seinfeld both stressed that the apology had nothing to do with him getting caught and the video spreading on youtube, nor did it have anything at all to do with Season 7 of Seinfeld's release date right around the corner -- available in time for the holidays at Amazon.com
When Letterman asked "were the Niggers heckling you, or where they just displaying TNB (Typical Negro Behavior) and being loud on their cell phones?" Richards responded "Um....I'm not racist, that's what's so crazy about all this...I'm actually a Jew, so I can't be racist. Neither of my parents are Jews and I didn't convert, but...I'm just not that funny and couldn't think of anything better to say...please don't let my career die, I was just about to host a grand opening of an Olive Garden in Kaysville, Utah! I was goin' places! I WAS GOIN' PLACES! DAMN YOU!!"
In the 2008 Presidential election, Richards endorsed "black" Democratic candidate Barack Obama. Richards stated his decision was made because Obama was the first "clean, intelligent, non-nigger like nigger" he had ever seen. Some believe this decision stems from the murder of Richards' wife by a Klu Klux Klan leader of Oklahoma in an initiation gone wrong.
In 2009 Richards appeared in Curb Your Enthusiasm and made fun of his situation by flipping out on another negro African-American black person of color (the godlike Leon), thanks to His Holiness Leon's son Larry David. So lay off on his cracka ass homies, he's a cool dawg. So you mess with this funny cracka, you mess with my ghetto ass. (note: this paragraph was written by a person who is not a nigga homie dawg original gangsta). Also, sorry I am going to Hell for my political incorrectness.
In 2010, Richards revealed that he and Mel Gibson would be in Lethal Weapon 5. Richards replaced Danny Glover after making racist comments to Glover's face. The unknown director of this movie laughed so hard at these comments that he kicked Glover out of the movie and replaced him with Richards. Instead of the usual shooting movie, Mel and Richards will both play cops who kill people from different races, blacks and Jews included, by spouting racist remarks. Glover is rumored to be returning as one-half of the antagonists along with Richards' former co-star Jerry Seinfeld.
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- The Michael Richards Apology Tour
- Michael Richards Rap
- Seinfeld: The Lost Episodes
- An Episode of Seinfeld detailing the incident
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Mel Gibson
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |World's Biggest Racist
2007
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Sarah Palin