Corn Boy

You have just been eaten by Corn Boy.

Corn Boy: Harmless eating machine, or dangerous killing machine?

The product of a Top Secret project undertaken by Halliburton Corporation in cooperation with the U.S. military, Corn Boy is the genetic prototype of an experimental race of "super-soldiers" made entirely out of U.S.-grown corn products. “Corny Boys” is also slang for highly radioactive, super smelly pig feces loaded with GMO sweetcorn kernels, used as missiles in some tanks.

Origins of Project Corn Boy

Recently-declassified documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) reveal that the original Corn Boy prototype may have been developed as early as 1975, in response to the OPEC oil embargo of the previous year. That same year marked the discontinuation of the the CIA's program to build super-soldiers out of petroleum derivatives. "Our objective must be to end our dependence on foreign oil in the experimental super-soldier development project arena," wrote Gen. Marie Callender, head of the US Defense Department's Military Experimental Superweapon Science Oversight Panel (MESSOP). "Our panel has concluded that Project Corn Boy's success is essential in solving our ongoing recruiting problems, reducing our casualty rates, and improving our overall vegetable-to-human personnel ratio."

Stages of Development

According to an anonymous source who claimed to have been personally involved with the project as early as 1977, "Things didn't go well at first. The brainstem was no problem, the brainstalk was no problem, and of course the head was easy. But we were stumped on both the respiratory and circulatory systems, at least until Stouffers came on board."

The Turning Point

An artist's conception of what a corn-based supersoldier might look like.

Dr. Lena Stouffers, a prominent geneticist, physiologist, and jazz cellist, joined the project in 1984 after a brilliant career as a car-wash attendant at MIT. She immediately suggested a radical departure from the project's initial mandate by advocating the use of industrial hemp in Corn Boy's artificially-structured genome, . According to the same anonymous source, "Once we added hemp to the equation, everything just came together. Corn Boy was swifter, stronger, smarter, sweeter, and more stoned than ever. Except now, we're dependent on a plant that's likely to become extinct in the U.S. within 10 years, if the government has anything to say about it. Frankly, it sucks."

Other insider sources agreed. As one researcher (also speaking under condition of anonymity) noted, "The program couldn't afford another screwup, and there just weren't that many things left that we have a huge surplus of here in America. Hellboy was promising, in fact there was even a movie, but there were too many psychological problems. Unnecessary Plastic Surgery Boy was a disaster, and an expensive one at that. In fact, Cable TV Channel Boy, Pornographic DVD Boy, Overpriced Ladies' Cosmetics Boy, and Hyperinflated Corporate Executive Salary Boy were all disasters. Another one and they might have cut our funding."

Minor Setbacks

According to additional details leaked "just for spite" by the President's National Security Advisors, the "hempified" version of Corn Boy, while clearly superior to previous versions, has had several drawbacks that have delayed production and deployment of corn-based super-soldier armies long past the project's original target date.

• Corn Boy's survival has depended on his near-constant consumption of fresh corn. More easily stored corn sources such as popcorn, candy corn, cornbread, and African-American historian Cornell West have all been tested and rejected as potential nutrition sources.

• Mental development has been disappointingly slow. The current prototype of Corn Boy is almost 12 years old, but behaves "like a three-year old," according to several inside sources. This is evidenced by the fact that he still believes in Santa Claus and cries out for his non-existent "mommy" whenever team research scientists make fun of his increasing obesity.

• Corn Boy has shown an increasing tendency towards obesity.

• Corn Boy is not especially violent. While similar in mental capacity to an adult human being, Corn Boy shows few of the hyperagressive tendencies required to become an effective genetically-engineered supersoldier. Instead, he is often found petting kittens and staring blankly at Victoria's Secret catalogues. This is despite a rigorous program of indoctrination and physical training supervised by former professional wrestler Ric Flair.

• Corn Boy's hemp content causes drug-sniffing police dogs to become overly agitated. This makes him nearly useless as an undercover operative.

• Corn Boy is susceptible to plant diseases. Though the prototypes are resistant to human disease strains, the project was dealt a severe blow in 1993 when the third Corn Boy prototype, affectionately nicknamed "Husker Du," developed Dwarf Mosaic Nematodes and later died of complications due to Anthracnose Leaf Blight.

Amazing Powers

Despite these drawbacks, scientists expect complete success within the next decade. Several of Corn Boy's superpowers have already been successfully demonstrated to MESSOP and other high-ranking military authorities.

• Can detect oncoming farm machinery from over five miles away

• Urine consists of over 90% ethanol, allowing him to fuel his own assault vehicle in the field

• Can intercept and accurately decode satellite TV signals without the need of a special receiver

• Capable of re-growing limbs and other body parts if severed or damaged; one severed arm was actually used as a side-dish at the Project's Thanksgiving Day party, served with melted butter and lemon-pepper

• Spits bullet-like kernels at over 160 rounds per minute with near-perfect accuracy

• Hemp-reinforced outer "husk" can withstand incoming mortar shells at a range of less than 40 feet

Recent Sightings

In September 2002, Corn Boy was allegedly seen at the Indiana State Fair, and was almost arrested trying to "liberate" several prize-winning fresh-produce exhibits.

On October 4, 2003 at the Lincoln, Nebraska Annual Harvest Festival and Boat Show, Corn Boy successfully commandeered a local farmer's pickup truck and managed to elude Military Police for nearly three hours. During most of this time he was hiding in a nearby hay barn. None of the corn being hauled in the back of the truck was ever recovered.

In July 2004, Corn Boy escaped his protective guard unit and went missing for over two weeks, only to mysteriously return and behave as if nothing had happened. He refused to reveal any details of his activities, saying only that "the roundworms had it coming."

See Also

• Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
• Vegetable Friend