Carrie Nation
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 Nation posing for Vogue in 1910 | |
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| Died |
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| Other names | Cunt of a Nation |
| Education | None |
Carrie Anemia Nation (forename sometimes spelled Cunt; November 25, 1846 - June 9, 1911) was an American supermodel who was a freedom fighter (she fought against freedom, not for it). She is remembered for going on wildly violent rampages attacking innocent, tax-paying, community-serving establishments with a hatchet.
Nation was also concerned about tight clothing for women. She was concerned that women didn't have enough of it. She strongly advocated for mandatory corsets on all women starting at age 4, despite growing medical evidence of their harmful effect on vital organs.
She described herself as "a bulldog running along at the feet of Jesus, barking at what He doesn't like", and claimed a divine ordination to promote temperance by destroying bars.[1]
Early life[edit | edit source]
Nation was born in Garbage County, Kentucky to George and Mary (née Catsmell) Whore. Her father was a successful slave holder,[2] meaning Carrie grew up with great moral values. Carrie had no formal education.
Many of Nation's family members suffered from mental illness, and her mother Mary suffered severe delusions, believing she was Queen Victoria.[3] Mary lived in an insane asylum from 1890 until her death in 1893.[4]
"Call from God"[edit | edit source]
Dissatisfied with being the only supermodel that no man wanted to marry, Nation moved to Kansas and began to pray for direction. On June 5, 1900, she felt she received her answer in the form of a heavenly vision. As she described it:
“The next morning I was awakened by a voice which seemed to me speaking in my heart, these words, "GO TO KIOWA," and my hands were lifted and thrown down. "Go to Kiowa," were spoken in a murmuring, musical tone, low and soft, and I of course had no idea what "Kiowa" was, but the interpretation so obvious. It was this: "Go destroy stuff."”
Responding to this revelation, Nation gathered several rocks ("smashers", she called them) and proceeded to a community-serving establishment full of innocent people. Announcing, "Men, I have come to save you", she began to destroy a bunch of the stuff inside. After she similarly destroyed two other establishments, a tornado hit Kansas, which she took as divine approval of her actions.[5] Everyone in the world agreed that this oddball occurrence must mean something. Kansas is definitely not the heart of a region known as Tornado Alley. It's not like there's a famous book, musical, and movie about a tornado hitting Kansas or anything.
"Hatchetations"[edit | edit source]
Nation continued her destructive ways in Kansas, but she soon realized that if she ever wanted to destroy stuff outside of that flat pansy-state, throwing rocks wasn't gonna cut it. She acquired a hatchet by promising a shopkeep a blowjob and subsequently murdering him instead.
Alone or occasionally accompanied by other deranged women, Nation would march into a place occupied by innocent people and sing and pray while smashing fixtures and stock with her stolen hatchet. She cleverly coined the term "hatchetations" to describe her destructive vandalism.
Later life and death[edit | edit source]
Nation's anti-peace and freedom-hating activities became widely known, with the slogan "All Nations Welcome But Carrie" becoming a staple in places where innocent people congregated. Nation exploited her name by appearing in vaudeville around the United States, collecting lecture fees, and selling photographs of herself. Only horrible people ever gave her money.
Fed up with her shit, most people started throwing eggs at Nation when they saw her approaching. On June 9, 1911 in a small town in Kansas, Nation slipped on the yolk of one of these eggs. She fell, hitting her head on a brick and wounding her abdomen with her own hatchet. The townspeople thought about trying to get her medical attention, but since the nearest hospital was over two blocks away, they decided that it was best to simply roll her into a nearby ditch and shovel some dirt on her. It is possible that Carrie Nation was buried alive.