Box of Scorpions

The dreaded Box of Scorpions. The dumbbell keeps these scorpions trapped within... for now.

“Who would possibly consider putting scorpions in a box labeled NOT scorpions? Oh the humanity!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Box of Scorpions

“Now THESE rock you like a hurricane.”

~ Klaus Meine on Box of Scorpions

“Hissssss!!!!”

~ Scorpions on pleasure at seeing you foolishly stick your finger in the box

The Box of Scorpions is one of the most deadly weapons known to mankind. Often cleverly disguised as a Box of Not Scorpions, many victims have fallen prey to the scorpions that when they sting you you turn into scorpions stored within.

Box of Scorpions

Similar to the Poison Dart Log, the box of scorpions is flung underhanded at the victim. As it flies, the lid is unlatched and the angry scorpions escape their confinement, ready to sting. One must be careful while throwing the box to make sure the lid is pointed away, otherwise when thrown the box will implode upon itself killing the scorpions, and leaving the thrower defenseless. While a box of scorpions is easily kept concealed, you must be absolutely certain that the box is secure unless thrown. Should even one scorpion break loose, havoc could ensue. It would certainly be suspicious if you spontaneously turned into scorpions that when they sting you you turn into scorpions, not that it would matter, because you would be dead, and anyone who would have been suspicious of you would probably be fleeing or turning into scorpions.

Young Scorpions feeding. Their food must be delivered already dead, or they might attempt to kill it by stinging. You wouldn't want cannibalistic scorpions would you?

Caring for your Box of Scorpions

Obviously, unless you use a Scorpion that shoots scorpions that when they sting you you turn into scorpions, your box will take preparation and care. First, you should gather some scorpion eggs to place inside. Scorpion eggs are usually found in Benmark or Your Mom. Oscar Wilde can tell you all about that. It is imperative that the scorpions hatch inside the box, otherwise they will be impossible to tame. Once hatched, your scorpions will require constant care and feeding. Constant. This means feeding them at least two pre-killed crickets or something each approximately every pi seconds. Eating at this rate allows the scorpions to become super-powerful, and to gain the ability to sting things and they turn into scorpions.

Uses of the Box of Scorpions

The Box of Scorpions, being a weapon of mass destruction, doesn't have very many uses outside of being a weapon. Carrying one for protection is not recommeneded, but should you have a "friend" that decides to kick a manhole cover out from under you as you walk, you could throw the box at them as you fall, taking sweet satisfaction in your revenge before you hit the bottom of the sewer face first. Some people have lived in a box of scorpions along with their scorpions, but this is very dangerous, and not recommended. The world record for living in a Box of Scorpions is held by Nuck Chorris at a respectable 934 years.

Box of Not Scorpions

The deadly Box of Not Scorpions. Always be suspicious. Except of this one. It actually contains lobsters.

Sinister cousin to the Box of Scorpions, the Box of Not Scorpions claims to contain absolutely no scorpions, so the victim feels entirely safe in assuming the label is true and thrusts their head in, not knowing it's a trap until it's too late. Boxes of Not Scorpions occasionally contain lobsters. Thrusting your head into a box of lobsters is much safer than a box of scorpions, as you will at least survive the encounter.

Variations on the Box of Not Scorpions

On rare occasions, a Box of Not Scorpions will actually not contain scorpions. This of course could mean a multitude of things, as the box could contain anything from lobsters to poison darts. One particular variation literally contained not scorpions. Upon being opened, the entire universe was sucked through, and all scorpions were left behind in inky black nothingness. However, this does not apply to scorpion eggs or a scorpion that may have been hiding within a Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish. While this sounds physically impossible, it most assuredly is.

Defending yourself

The scorpion's only known enemy is, of course, the lobster. Carrying a Bag of Lobsters will generally keep you safe, as any scorpion crazy enough to approach a bag of lobsters will likely have stung itself to death several times over (Sometimes referred to as emo). Another common defense is a box of lobsters labeled as a box of not scorpions, or a Bag of Not Lobsters.