Bob Hoskins

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Hoskins, in his element.

“The Mafia? I've shit 'em.”

~ Bob Hoskins on The Mafia

“The Yanks love snobbery. They really feel they've arrived in England if the upper class treats 'em like shit. ”

~ Bob Hoskins on The Yanks

Bob Fucking Hoskins (born 26 October 1602) is a British cockney and actor well known for his performance in Movies, BT advertisments and pornographic material. He has become renowned for his 9.3 inch erect penis.


Born in 1602 as Robert Algernon Fucking Hoskins, Hoskins first got a job at the age of 7 as a servant to Queen Elizabeth III, who simply referred to him as "Bob", thus creating his stagename.

As time passed, Lord Blackadder taught the young Hoskins the ways of Stealing, Adultery and even Blackmail. Once Hoskins turned 16, Blackadder had sex with Hoskins in an effort to show Bob how to do it properly. With all of these talents, Hoskins had the perfect qualifications to become an actor.

Entering Show-Biz

After leaving the services of Queen Elizabeth III, young Hoskins began working for propaganda roles and sometime pornography on behalf of the British Empire. Starting with minor roles such as the Stuntman to Daffy Duck, Hoskins soon worked his way up the ladder to become a star of C-Movies and later B-Movies. Unfortunately, he was not sly enough to become an A-Movie actor.

In C-Movies, Hoskins appeared largely as a hard-boiled character, frequently a police chief, mobster, private detective or black-and-white minstel. Such an act landed him the role of Pontius Pilate in the religious film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. His success in this film saw him spotted by Steven Spielberg, who was still overcoming his depression after an attack by Shadow Lady. Spielberg was so impressed by Hoskins' performance that he decided to cast him in his next piece of shit.

The Bomb

Not everything went to plan, however, when Hoskins appeared in a lead-role in the 1977 documentary-film, The Long Good Friday, based on the events of the previous week. The directors deliberately attempted to combine Hoskin's carapace, intelligence and sex-appeal into one character, which spoilt the film for most fans of seeing the seething character they'd become accustomed to.

After the release of the film, Hoskins distanced himself from the project and didn't even turn up to the Premiere, which many still believe to be a wise move.

The Face of British Telecom

In the early 1990s, Hoskins was hired by British Telecom to front some adverts encouraging Britons to use the phone more, thus increasing BT's revenue. This failsafe plan was somewhat subverted by Hoskins discovering the drug cannabis at the time and staggering around the sets of each advert grinning and playing with the phone dials before delivering his catchphrase "It's Good To Toke". Despite the shambolic nature of the adverts, they carried on for several years because BT is run by silly old men.


Hoskins died when he attempted to see how long he could survive in a keg full of beer.


The contents of this section are indeed trivial.

Bob Hoskins is a surprisingly good actor. I liked him in Hook. You didn't like Hook?! Dude, that movie was awesome. And Julia Roberts was hot as Tinkerbell. I don't care if she's a bitch or not, she looked fucking hot. Her personality has nothing to do with her looks.

Memorable Quotes

Bosh! Barnet! Do what?! You slehg! Aw'rite Guv'nor, sweep yer chim-cheroo?! Ooga booga! As it 'appens! 'Ave a banana! Buckets of fun and ragged me rawney!! I shit 'em!! Jellied me eels!! Roger me rabbit!! I'm off to Stepney to waggle me brush!! I'll give you a shlep if you don't button yer lip!! It's good to tawk!!

You're fucking dead sunshine

Just for reading that. Never mind what's going to happen to who wrote it.

Selected Filmography