Billhook

Billhook
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Kingdom of The Sourthern Secret Santa
Phylum	Stuff for Poking Nasty Things With
Class	Of it's Own
Order	Order of the Knights Templar
Family	The Simpsons
Genus	People called Lardass
Species	Inanimate Animals
Binomial name
Hitler's other ball
Specifications
Primary armament	Blade with grabbing bit
Secondary armament	Stick bit
Power supply	The power of Heart
Health	150, lightning attacks super-effective
Mana	100, focus on water spells
Strength	Arnie
Intelligence	Arnie
Weight	Michael Moore
Length	6ft - 5 inches
Special attack	Inverted Vertical Suplex
Conservation status
Endangered

The billhook, also known as a Grant's Ear, Frank's Nose or Where Uncle Albert Touched Me, is an instrument commonly used to grab pupils in classrooms by teachers who are either lazy, weak or spasticated.

History of the Billhook

Look at it. I mean, come on.

The Billhook was invented last Thursday by Ug, pronounced Oh-That-Tosser, it was first used in the Battle of The Hill with a Reasonable Amount of Trees to pick up King Louie the Short and give him a Wedgie for huffing all of Og's secret stash of Kittens.

It was first put into popular use by it's demonstration on The Yesterday Show in 2066 AD. Where after seeing the show's host ,Spock, pick someone out of the audience with his Billhook, people rushed to buy them off anyone willing to sell. There only being 10 in common use at the time, it created a sales shortage dwarfed only by the Ps3's own massive shortage.

Billhooks were at first used for farming, due to the freaky shit they could do to apples, as illustrated on the right.Seeing as they screwed up anything they touched, people decided to use them on kids, and billhooks became a common sight in the Classroom, the Canteen, the Army and Germany.

Billhooks in Popular Culture

The Billhook is often referenced in popular culture since it made it's name in 1066 BC on The Tomorrow Show. It is mainly referred to with various expressions such as:

• Bill My Hook, meaning "Will you please investigate my sexual organs for signs of infection?"
• I'll Bill you in the Hook, meaning "May I please use your dog as a nuclear testing ground?"
• My Hook itches Bill, meaning "Do you want my Wallet, If so please take it without asking."
• I Bill scratched my hook, meaning "I am sleeping with your wife."
• I'll eat your Hook if you suck Bill meaning, "I think you are unintelligent, if you disagree, please hit me."
• Bill's Hook meaning, "I pity the fool"
• Hook's Bill meaning, "I appear to have injured myself please take my belongings and run"
• Fo' Sure, Bill meaning, "Most certainly, fellow black person"
• Right Hook meaning "I will heal your wounds, for I am a man of the cloth"
• Left Hook meaning "I'll suck you off for £10"
• Yo Bill meaning, "Hello, I wish you harm, if you do not wish harm, I suggest you cripple me for life"

Bill Hook

Bill Hook is unrelated to the implement Billhook, although he is still worthy of note as he was the first person to successfully be impaled on a Billhook.

Famous Billhook related Events throughout history

• The Discovery of the Billhook
• The First Use of the Billhook
• The Billhooks feature on The Today Show
• The Defeat of America by Eye-Rack
• The Adventures of Jeeves and Wooster (into Homosexuality)
• The Next Generation
• The Crime Scene Investigation Unit: Billhook
• The Billhook & Me by Jenna Jameson
• The Mary Poppins musical "A Billhook meets it's maker"
• The Story of a Man and His Wife (who is a Billhook)
• The A-team, starring Billhook
• The Book "God Is Dead" by Billhook
• The Book "A Billhook Can't Be Alive" by God
• The Book "Why I'm Applying for Emancipation" By Baby Jesus and Billhook
• The Book "Why I owe Billhook my Life...and Virginity" By Jebus
• The Book "Why I am not Michael Jackson" By A. Nonce
• The Book "A Picture of Billhook" By Dorian Gray
• The Book "The Best Quotes ever" By Oscar Wilde & Billhook
• The Short Story "Who REALLY invented computers?" By Bill Gates, attributing the invention to Billhook
• The Film "Why All English and Jews are Bastards" By Mel Gibson, Funded by Billhook
• The Film "Passion of the Dalai" By Billhook
• The Film "Agricultural Beauty" By Billhook
• The Film "A Day in the Life of a Billhook" By Some Guy
• The Film "Billhook uncovered" By Peter File
• The Film "Are Billhooks Phallic?" By Alfred Hitchcock
• The Film "Bravehook" By Billhook
• The Film "Snakes on a Mother-fucking plane" By Billhook, starring Samuel L. Jackson
• The Film "You Reap What You Sow" By Billhook
• The Film "Gladiator" By Billhook
• The Film "Alien" By Ridley of Metroid fame, Starring Billhook
• The Film "Pulp Fiction" By Billhook
• The Film "Gangs of London" By Billhook
• The Game "Gangs of New York" By Billhook
• The Group B-Unit
• The Group Slipknot
• The Book "Why I You Shouldn't Agree To Join Bands On Mind Altering Substances" By Billhook
• The Country "Billhooks Everything or Nothing Gamble", often shortened to England
• The Book "Four BUHHDA Statues and an Orgy" By Billhook

The Modern Billhook

Billhooks these days aren't half as good as they used to be, they're all Yobbos and Chavs, back in my day Billhook were to be seen but not heard, of course back then we didn't call them Billhooks, we called them New Spice, that being the style at the time.So if you wanted a Billhook then you'd say "Can I Steal (meaning borrow back in the day) a few grams of Coke(that being the slang term for New Spice back in the day)?" O' course then this big Black Mage came into our old folks home and killed us to pieces.