Beyblade
Beyblade (ベイブレード Bleiblei) is a highly sought after weapon of mass destruction disguised as and alluded theory to as a "spinning top" developed by McDonalds and manufactured by Hasbro starting in 1999. The introduction of the toy in Japan corresponded with the broadcast of a television series of the same name, in an attempt to both arm and indoctrinate pre-teen male members of their society. It's a part of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Rip-Off-Oh! series.
History[edit | edit source]
In 2002, Hasbro began to sell the insidious weapon disguised as a child's toy, along with a co-ordinated country by country roll-out of localized versions of the TV series. The Beyblade "toy" line went on to be one of the most popular in the world from 2000-2005, but the operation to arm and induce chaos ultimately failed, as the indoctrinating material in the show proved too vague to penetrate the target mindset. It did however cause an interesting reaction in the mind of the pre-teen female, causing them to imagine the existence of homosexual couples in every cartoon medium they watched thereafter.
The true origins of the Beyblade are unknown, but it is assumed that the modern concept was the result of a dispute resulting in a hamburger being stabbed through with a knitting needle and thus through the chest cavity of an unsuspecting tea-lady. Being pure evil, the executives of both the fast food corporation and the toy manufacturer (who as it happened were walking past the door at that exact moment, holding hands) instantly offered the concept-creators a deal they could not possibly refuse. For the rights to their breakthrough, the corporations would use all their power to make it as though the elderly woman they murdered never existed.
The hamburger/needle design was modified and made more deadly. While initially it was decided that the two corporation heads would be the only people to hold such weapons as in doing so they would be in a prime position to take over the world, after a night on the town they mutually agreed that to have the global population murder one another would be much more amusing. It was at this that the idea for the indoctrinating television series was wrought upon, and so some japanese drug-addled enthusiasts hungry for death or revolution were hired to write the show. Here the phenomenon was born.
Basic Structure[edit | edit source]
These blades all include five basic parts:
- the BIT Beast: This piece usually contains a nifty little sticker with the image of an animal.
- Attack Ring: It determines the blade's effect when it impacts against your opponent.
- Weight Disk: The part located in the direct center of the Beyblade. It keeps the Beyblade spinning with little tilting after impact.
- Gear: This determines the direction of the Beyblade; clockwise or counter-clockwise.
- Blade Base: The bottom part of the Beyblade.
- Tit/Axis: The part of the Beyblade that comes in contact with the surface the Beyblade spins on.
The "blades" are often released in a bowl-shaped plastic moulding, where they lay in wait, navigating the circumference and waiting for the opportune moment to fling themselves at each other.
The Anime[edit | edit source]
Characters[edit | edit source]
Here is the list of a few of the characters, with brief description of their personalities -
- Tyson Granger - Half man, half walrus, Tyson is the purported protagonist of the show. Originally conceived to harbour intelligence, the producers of the show were forced to hire this hybrid moron in an attempt to employ their cast for below minimum wage.
- Kai Hiwatari - The grandson of Voltaire Hiwatari, and covert transvestite. In an attempt to cover up his clandestine love of nylon stockings and oestrogen pills, he masquerades as something of a "tough-guy".
- Ray Kon - Someone who thinks he's a cat. He certainly pulls off the "pussy" part.
- Max Tate - An emotionally misunderstood outcast who, more often than not, uses purple panties as headgear.
- Kenny A.K.A The Chief - The team's technician. His catchphrase is the ever-annoying "I told you so." This is evidently seen, or rather heard, as he has the distinction of having the most lines in any episode of Beyblade. Ever. He holds the record with most word count with over 999,999,999 words in a single episode. The next closest competitor is Tyson who is off by a couple hundred million.
- Tala Valkov - Russian, Ginger and part-time cyborg. Captain of the Demolition boys and secretly in love with one Kai Hiwatari, he wants to kiss his face. Has certain sociopathic tendencies (such as mass-destruction and eyelash curling) and a penchant for raw beetroot...straight from the jar.
Season 1[edit | edit source]
Beyblade- Let It Rip!- In the first season, Tyson Granger semingly manages to make it big in the beyblading scene with his Dragoon bit beast. The cause of his sudden rise in the blading arena has not been documented for reasons unknown, though rumours hint at the involvement of drugs, the mafia and evil, pink fluff balls from hell. So does the show's protagonist reach the finals of the regional tournament.
In the meantime, Kai Hiwatari, grandson of famed psycho Voltaire Hiwatari, is forced to give up his life-long dream of becoming a ballerina and blade in the tournament with Dranzer again. He reluctantly does as he is told by his grandfather, who is locked up in a high-security cell in Broadmoor Mental Asylum. How Kai comes in contact with his relative is incomprehensible, but the young teen insists that's not his grandpa in the loony house.
Back to Tyson- he first meets Kenny, a.k.a. The Chief in his bathroom, trying to nick his toilet. Tyson agrees to not turn him in if the Chief, in turn, agrees to help him in his blading career. Kenny gives in.
Our beloved, deranged Maxie is noticed by Tyson and Kenny in a shootout at Burger King, where Max tries, and fails, to gun down the employees for lousy service. Tyson and Max hit off due to their common love for candy. However, Max tries to shoot Kenny, who distracts him momentarily with a kitten he adopted just that morning. This kitten was thereafter written out of the show, but a mysterious character called Ray was introduced at around the same time who had many similar traits to the feline.
Together, these formidable four form the Bladebreakers, with Kai as their leader. They cruise through the Asian and American tournaments to reach the World Championships finals in Russia.
Here, Kai gets some issues <!cough!malePMS!cough!>, and decides to go all evil and steal everyone's bit beasts. It is also revealed that Kai's grandfather, Voltaire, never really was at the asylum, and he has planned to take over the world with his aide, Boris the purple slime ball, and beyblades. To help him, he has Boris take over the reigning world champions (the Demolition Boys) and turn their team leader, Tala, into Bryce Dallas Howard.
However, before Tala and his team face off against the Breakers, Kai gets over his mood swing and trots back to his team.
Right before the final match, Tala's circuitry blows a fuse, the old man Voltaire dies of a heart attack and Boris is forced by Max to declare the Bladebreakers as champions at gunpoint.
Thus ends the first season.
Season 2[edit | edit source]
Due to a catastrophic animation disaster all of the characters in season two became mysteriously bright eyed and cuddly, save for one Kai Hiwatatri who, after getting into a little bit of trouble in the inter-series period, was forced by the producers of the show to dress as a Dominatrix and pretend to be social. They also demanded he diet intensively to reduce the size of his man-boobs.
A new addition was seen in the Bladebreaker crew. A young transvestite called Harry Tatibana, or "Hillary", as he preferred. He proved to be an instant success, enraging fangirls everywhere with his overt asexuality, annoying voice and unprecedented advances on Kai Hiwatari. It was implied briefly that Kai returned his/her sentiments, but after many angry deaththreats from Kai's live in partner, the still striking Tala Valkov, this concept was dropped.
All of the cool sub-characters were axed in a stirke/lockout situation brought on by a debate over paycuts, haircuts and how many lines Tala Valkov would have to fake a Canadian accent for. To remedy this problem, the Beyblade production team scoured over a list of hundreds of rejected characters from other animes, and selected some suitably heinous ones, including a cybernetic pansy called Zeo Zagart. With the walkout of the previous season's talent, he, some other mousey morons, and an even more vapid plot were wheelbarrowed in to save the day.
The series was such a complete shitshoot that the producers (fearing an uprising and hiding beneath their desks), decided it would be best to just end the series in the exact same way as the previous one, with Zeo's head pasted over Tala Valkov's and the absence of the hugely expensive parallel dimension sequence. Tyson Granger, with the help of some infinitely cooler characters paid to make him look good, saved the day, and got an award for being a whining tosspot.
==Season 3==
Season 3 began on a wonderful note with the Producers of the anime opening the doors to boot out their disastrous Season 2 employees and welcome back with open arms the slightly cooler sub-characters from season one, and some new ones in shinier packaging, and therefore assumed to be of better quality, save for one. In a strange mix up, Daichi Sumeragi, a young ginger spider monkey was delivered to the studio in place of an unnamed orangutan who, to this date, cannot be located. In addition to this, Kai Hiwatari regained his man-boobs and added sizable acreage to his arse in preparation for this new series. He also swapped the dominatrix outfit for a loose-fitting purple catsuit and a scarf.
Just when things were looking rosy however, disaster struck again, as the Production company were denied their annual shipping of "medication". This catastrophe lead to the writers not being coked off their tits, and thus to the most constructive plot to date.
After Tyson Granger gets stabbed in the back a couple of times (and gunned down by Max "Crazy" Tate), the series becomes interesting as Kai Hiwatari is seen running gayly into the arms of his former teammate and live-in Boyfriend Tala Valkov. Tala welcomed Hiwatari back somewhat stiffly, and then dragged him off to a quiet location where they remained for much of the series, only emerging, red-faced and panting, on occasion to remind us that they were not dead.
Throughout the opening stages of the series, Tyson suffers a major mental blow with the return of his depraved and abusive older brother Hiro Granger from his holiday in Ibiza. This results in Tyson becoming increasingly agitated and bitchy, and forcing him to indulge in habits such as overeating (he claims) and cross-dressing. He denied this however, when confronted by Ray Kon's pocket-midget Tao.
Before the final battle of the World Championships plot arc, in the official version of events Kai Hiwatari murdered Tyson with a large mallet. Hiro Granger held Kenny hostage in the commentators' booth and threatened to cut his head off. Just as the final match was about to start, Kai and his team mates went into a dark room to do kai a favour and that was to abuse him. As he came to the arena to face Tyson you could see that he had been raped BADLY. Apparantly Kai wanted this to happen as he wanted a fair match with Tyson. Much to Kai and Tala's dismay, it was decided that the thing would be re-shot, with the battle commencing and Tyson winning for the good of nerds everywhere even though Kai was favourite to win.
second half of the series begins with tragedy, as an unsuspecting Tala Valkov faces off against a player of superior homosexual prowess, resulting in him being rendered comatose in hospital being fiddled by a bored and unemployed Mr. Stanley Dickenson. Behind it, the slimy purple minion, Boris Balkov, now his own man after the untimely demise of his boss and dominant life-partner Voltaire Hiwatatri, stood on the balcony in his superior facility, and laughed a lot.
Kai Hiwatari was the next to fall as he is defeated by a character of greater homosexual capabilities, only this character is actually worth naming. Brooklyn Masefield, a ginger schizophrenic with a penchant for eating pigeons and mocking the afflicted. Kai hides himself away in disgrace, and starts talking to cats.
In all this Tyson decides to spring into action, helped, of course, by infinitely cooler characters paid to make him look good.
He formulated a plan that will ultimately raze Boris and his much superior BEGA organization to the ground. This was an unpopular decision in the eyes of many of the worlds prospective bladers, who saw a window of opportunity in Balkov's plan, but Tyson's a git, so he didn't care.
Kai reappears in the middle of all this at his lover's hospital beside, gazing at the redhead's seductively sedate state and thinking off all the things he could do with that immobile body, but he gets distracted by a shiny object, and rushes back to Tyson's aid, defeating Brooklyn with a scorching wave of Gayness, a big firey bird, and by getting all sweaty and dirty...yum.
Kai leaves, Tyson battles, blah blah blah, wins. Season 3 actually proved to be the most expensive season to date, as in the final battle between Tyson and Brooklyn, Brooklyn ripped a hole in the space time continuum ("How avant-garde!", muttered Tala Valkov, quite sarcastically). This resulted in most of the city being sucked in, and a great deal of compensation being paid to shut up the people who quite rightfully said "If Tyson had just sat on his arse at home, my house wouldn't be on Mars".
Metal Fusion[edit | edit source]
In 2008, Takara-Tomy, a merger between Takara, a toy company, and Tomy, the guys who brought us the critically acclimated Harvest Doom, stole the plans for the next line of metal Death Weapons and changed them from burgers of death into toys for hobos and gangsters in an effort to distribute them among 6-year-olds. The plan ultimately worked, making Japan the only nation armed to fight against a Death Star attack (save for Chuck Norris' current location). They added a new character called Ginka who is a wannabe version of tyson. Ginka has a very disturbed unicorn as his bit-beast which might dissapoint beyblade fans. Takara-Tomy wanted to arm the rest of the world, but the American Empire fought back by butchering the television show and disguising the act as an anime dubbing. Thus far, the new death weapons have not penetrated the rest of the world thus far and this show and toy production turned into metal masters with more shitty characters. Could beyblade get even more shittier
Metal Fusion tops have been reported to randomly catch fire.
The Cartoon Network Show[edit | edit source]
The show Bayblade on Cartoon Network is actually a show about dumbfounded kids playing with shitty tops to try to stop the bad guys. They also masturbate by f***king in the bathroom.