Battle of the Somme
| The Battle of the Somme | |
|---|---|
 Two level 104 heroes engage in battle at the Somme | |
| Conflict: The Battle of the Somme | |
| Date: 1899-1911 | |
| Place: The Somme, Portuguese-Belgian Border or, your granny's house | |
| Outcome: Started Runscape | |
| Combatants | |
OPEC  
|
Upper Silesia  Singapore 
|
| Commanders | |
| John Maynard Keynes SAM ROSE The Invisible Man† |
DREW KENT Stalin Johnny Depp Tom Cruise |
| Strength | |
| 450 Steamtanks 4 Steambot divisions 1st Royal Iguana Handlers Division A bag of snakes a gym |
A T-Rex A STERLING-- Huge Fat Man Singaporean Armoured Division Garfield the Cat |
| Casualties | |
| 592 MIA, 906 casualties (478 with severe scalding from steam) | 459 KIA, 5630 crack addicts, 102 catapults scuppered |
The Battle of the Somme was the result of the collapse of Hetero-Sino relations and the downward spiral of the global economy into a recession of such magnitude that it could be seen from outer space (becoming the fourth man-made structure in the history of man-made structures able to be seen from outer space to become a man-made structure able to be seen from outer space, after the Berlin Wall, Ayer's Rock and Liberty City). Upper Silesia's vested interests in the kryptonite mines along the Portuguese-Belgian border led to a hostile invasion of kryptonite-rich regions in 1888, leading to a pogrom of Portubelgians inhabiting the area. The international community was cautiously optimistic regarding these developments. However, in 1894, Martin Luther wrote the first English dictionary in Cambridge, and upon looking up the definitions of 'hostile', 'invasion' and 'pogrom', the international community began to doubt the benefits that Upper Silesia was bringing to the region. At the Yalta Conference, the Fellowship decided to take measures, and then there was war.
War![edit | edit source]
In the days leading up to the declaration of war, John Maynard Keynes, famous tank commander and decorated hero from several wars spanning from Vietnam to Narnia and WOW, opened communications setting out an ultimatum to the invaders in the form of a telegram:
| “ | dearest fascist commanders stop return it has come to the attentions of us that you may or may not have undertaken actions leading to international instability and murder in the course of your recent actions stop in light of these developments we have sought permission from the queen of england to reply with a recourse that may entail in aggressive diplomacy stop what say you what what stop sincerely captain keynes stop dictated but not read stop | ” |
The reply that came four days later was, according to the Earl of Wessex, whose great aunt's illegitimate grandson acted as courier to the reply, was "less than cordial":
| “ | bring it cocksuckers lolololo | ” |
| “ | Howssss it goiiinnggg?? oommffgg | ” |
“The reply was less than cordial.”
Needless to say, feathers were certainly ruffled amongst the international community and in the interest of fairness, a name was drawn out of a hat to represent the international community on the field of battle. The first name drawn was France, but it invoked Godwin's Law and the duties were allocated to the second name drawn, the Republic of Ireland. OPEC also had much at stake in the region and so joined the coalition promptly insisting it be renamed the oilition.
War![edit | edit source]
Upon entering the Somme (named after an amusement park of the same name) Irish forces were soon met by heavy resistance. It became apparent that Upper Silesia had taken measures to ensure that their activities harvesting the kryptonite were not disrupted by bartering with Singapore (at the time a nomadic pirate race that operated on a magical floating island). Thousands of Irishmen and Nega-Irishmen were slaughtered by a single pirate, who proceeded to raid and pillage Irish encampments for a period of two and a half years.
Adaptations[edit | edit source]
In the hit film World War I, the Somme is alluded to throughout the film and the pre-credits scene allegedly takes place at the Somme. There are many historical inaccuracies however, most notably the number of zebra that pulled the chariot of Santa Claus into battle. These inaccuracies have been defended by the Kaiser, director of the film, who defended the inaccuracies by claiming they made the film more epic. Film critics across the board agree.
“The epic-ness of the Somme scene rocks tits; the chariot drawn by eleventy-four zebra was a CGI wonder to behold.”
“Battle of the somme? Pfft I eat your mum for breakfast.”