Auto-spastic Writing
Auto-spastic Writing, also called Pen-Spack, Ink-Jibbing, Epileptic Scribble Fit, etc., is an archaic term that is often regarded as offensive by modern day standards. It was first coined by Agatha Christie when she was asked about her writing methods in What Are Women? magazine, and was used freely amongst literati for many years. In 1992 the Council for Political Correctness sentenced the chairman of the charity The Spastic Society to nine years in prison, deemed the term 'spastic' offensive and instituted a £500 on-the-spot fine for anyone caught pulling a 'spacker face'. Concurrently they placed all books whose authors claimed to have written them 'Auto-spastically' - including both 3 of Christie's novels - on a blacklist that banned them from being sold in Woolworths or read whilst on the toilet. In June 1994 at 15:33 GMT Wednesday the 6th of April 1993, the Politically Correct Terminologogical Department of the Council for Political Correctness finally proffered the alternate politically correct phrase 'Non-restrained Convulsive Writing.'
Come on then, what is it?[edit | edit source]
Auto-spastic Writing (Verb, intrans.) is the act of having a fit whilst holding a pen over a piece of paper, to the effect of producing a cohegent - if hardly decipherable - piece of writing. Noted Auto-spastic Writers include: Agatha Christie; Henry Miller; Felicia "Snoop" Pearson and Jeffrey Archer.
IS IT SAFE!?[edit | edit source]
No.
The Deception Behind the Lies[edit | edit source]
Different Auto-spastic authors differ differently on a number of differing points concerning Auto-spastic Writing. While some claim to experience channeling from the spirit world, communicating with the dead and asking them what stories they'd like to write about, others claim that Auto-spastic Writing is simply the product of an obverse rear occiputal lobe, which writes a novel unconsciously in the host's mind, then, when the time is fortuitous (not on the toilet or while giving a blow-job etc) the lobe will take over the body and "let the words do the talkin'". Jeffrey Archer claims that he - like Mohammed - is communicating with Allah when he writes. "I'm like Mohammed," he writes in his Auto-spastography Archer: The One who Bends, "except less Islamic" (pp 12-324).
Conveniently Topical Segment on Religious Histobology Concerning Auto-spastic Writing[edit | edit source]
There are many references to Auto-spastic Writing - or practices that may be equated to Auto-spastic Writing - throughout the histoboligical canon of religionalia. From the Norse Pagan Auto-spastic practice of "i volkungr kih" to the Auto-spastic Medium's favourite medium of "Auto-spastic mediation", it has been noted by scholars that in whatever form, Auto-spasticism plays a ginormous role in the mystical element of religionation.
One of the most prominent contemporary Auto-spastic religious groups of today is the Islamic fundamentalist group Nib-al-Jibbab. Founded in 1986 by the former joiner Ahmed Mashed, who at the time was head of a seperatist faction that advocated Sharia Law for Luxembourg. One of the central tenets Of Nib-al-Jibbab tenated that Mohammed wrote the Koran in an Auto-spastic frenzy. By 1989 several prominent members of Nib-al-Jibbab, including Mashed, were on the CID waiting-list in connection with a string of major terrorist (or terror-wrist) offences, including the infamous "June 1988 Spastication of Harrods", in which a Jibbabian terrorist entered the Department Store freely wearing a beard and proceeded to Auto-spasticate the walls and several members of the public with indecipherable Islamic slogans.
By 1991.2 Nib-al-Jibbab had upped their operations, pioneering the disturbing practice of Auto-spastic Bombing. After Auto-spastically blowing up a strategic government greenhouse in the key demographic town of Dudelange, Nib-al-Jibbab were placed on a select UN Nuisance List.
The Arch-Nemesis of Nib-al-Jibbab is an Auto-spastic Christian Fundementalist group called the US Government. The US Government hold a great amount of sway in North America, where they legislate Auto-spastically, claiming that whatever they spasticate out of their collective cerebrum comes from a higher source. One of the US Government's key strategies is war, often crossed with spin based on contradictions-in-terms. A successful example of this was the "War on Terror", which confused people into not realising that war is terror.
What Some People Have Said[edit | edit source]
"Sometimes everyone has a little spastic inside of them."
- Honoria Hawking, Auto-spastic Writer and wife of reknowned scientologist Prof. Stephen Hawking
"At first I thought my wife was just an epi, but then we started earning $$$ from her spazbo scrawling."
- Chris T. Christie, husband of the late Agatha Christie
"I thought I had the gift, but it turns out I just had Parkinsons."
- Shakin' Stevens shortly before his tragic demise from Parkinsons Disease.
"At school they called me 'twitcher' and my teacher failed me at everything, but now I'm a doctor I can write how the fuck I like."
- Dr. Sigmund Freud, forefather of neurotic behaviour.