Ass-load (SI)

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Where it fits in the Load scale

An ass-load is an SI (scientific idiom) unit of measurement roughly equivalent to three metric tonnes. Coincidentally, it is also equal to the amount of cocaine Bono can keep in his sunglasses.

History[edit | edit source]

While working in his laboratory one fine summer’s evening on a cure for the common Tourette’s Syndrome, Dr. Gary Hawkings finally realized, and explained to his colleague, Dr. Whogivesadamn, that their boss was a sick, sadistic freak. Determined to find some way to get back at him, Dr. Hawkings invented the unit of measurement “ass-load”, which he defined as “the amount of stuff up any given employer’s ass”. Within moments, Dr. Gary Hawkings had contacted the U.N. security council to present this new unit of measurement. China vetoed it, saying that the measurement was much too variable, on the grounds that different employers could stuff different amounts of questionable objects into their respective anuses. Enraged, Dr. Gary Hawkings went over their heads and contacted Jesus via Facebook. Jesus, however, agreed that the measurement was too broad, and advised that it be redefined as something more specific. After four hours of debate between Dr. Hawkings, Dr. Whogivesadamn, Jesus, and a small dog named Fifi, the unit was eventually settled to be equivalent to two metric tonnes. This unit was then re-suggested to the United Nations, where Russia vetoed it, stating that redefining the unit at three metric tonnes would make the unit more useful. The terms were agreed to, and the ass-load was admitted to the SI unit family, where he lived happily ever after and married a princess.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

Because of the “inappropriate language” used in the unit’s name, every parent-teacher organization in the world prevented its usage in a school environment. The scientific community was outraged at this, and the war was long and bloody, and ultimately ended in the fall of capitalist society in Yugoslavia. In the end, though, the communist party (also known as the United Federation of Concerned Menopausal Women) won out, and to this day the ass-load is not taught in schools. The unit is still official by the U.N., though, and CAN be used in scientific research papers.

Properties of the Word[edit | edit source]

Besides being a unit of measurement, ass-load is also a verb, noun, interjection, adjective, transitive verb, U.S. Senator, and consists of three parts aluminum, two parts hydrogen, and four parts butterscotch ripple. After losing the election of 1654 in thirteen different countries, it went on to write fifteen different memoirs of its life and briefly took on the alias of The Drummer in a band fronted by Billy Mays. As well as all of this, the ass-load also won that one race thingy in Poland, or whatever.

And if you believe all of this, I have some great insurance you might be interested in.

See also[edit | edit source]