User:SPSSS/HowTo:Make A Christmas Tree

WARNING! If you are over 17 years of age, try your best to complete your Christmas tree. It is possible, whether you're high or not. This may very well be the longest recipe, as such, in the history of time. You'd better clear your calendar from now till when you're dead. It is best if you do this with a group of ‘friends’ in some parts, this way it’s a lot more fun. And you can blame them for any lawsuits involved.

Ingredients

In case of a power surge, peppers can be used to substitute tree lights.

• 2000 KG of Titanium Dioxide
  
• 2 ½ KG of Preservatives
  
• 17 KG of Unnatural Color
  
• No modified corn starch
  
• Tonnes of toilet cleaner
  
• The USA basketball team’s worth of rotten socks
  
• Pepper! A lot, dammit!
  
• 4 koopas
• 9056 hula hoops
• 1 Shane Warne
  
• 7 ¾ of mouse leg
  
• Cameron’s body (he died)
  
• Brisbane
  
• Lead (for Lassie)
  
• Bin Laden’s turban
  
• 25 disk pack of CD’s
  
• Sponge Bob Square Pants’ spongey square pants that he named Bob’s sponge square sponge pants which is very spongey. Sponge pants made of sponge-ness. ↱
  
• Black Marker
  
• Black Market
  
• Black Market Dealer
  
• White Market Squealer
  
• Eeeeeeee
  
• Car Batteries
  

Avoid this dangerous man at all costs.

• Goblin
  
• Hobgoblin
  
• Shmobgoblin
  
• 1g of elephant
  
• ½ Cup of Unicorn spit
  
• Pluto
  
• 4 Phoenix’s tail feathers
  
• Eye of newt
  
• Tongues of squid
  
• 6 bathroom towel and\or sponge
  
• The guy who lives on the OTHER side of your house worth of that freaky stalker guy who lives next door
  
• 4g Pixie dust
  
• Mrs. Smith
  
• All the members of Hi-6
  
• All the rolls off of 2 mummies
  
• 3,985 tonnes of angel hair
  

Hope you have your scissors handy!

• Carson Kressley
  
• Casserole dish
  
• A picture of a sunken ship
  
• 5 KG Star jelly
  
• 1700 cans of ……… SILLY STRING!
  
• 1 Luigi from Luigi’s restaurant
  
• Enough Zeeky coursers to blow up the Empire State Building (2)
  
• 2 cans of FART in-a can!
  
• 3 old hosts of ‘Wheel of Fortune’
  
• @&# (*nh21#*#)@_
  
• 1 Dictionary
  
• 1 Atlas
  
• 1 Bible
  
• 1 Thesaurus
  
• 1 more dictionary
  
• 2 more dictionaries
  
• 5 less dictionaries
  
• 6 old Motors
  
• 1 tube of Toothpaste
  
• 12 Bars of gold
  
• 4 teen KG of water
  
• 56 Bags of exploded corn puffs
  
• 23 Boxes of staples
  
• A lot of teeth
  
• 45 KGs frozen dirt
  
• 2 Giant Cats
  
• Me
  
• Myself
  
• I
  
• 34 orange Seals
  
• 1 Urinating old man
  
• 14 dandillions
• Computer programing experience
• 1 fortified rug
• 1000 gallons of glue
• 10000000000000000000000000000$

We could assume he's old?

• 0 motherboards
  
• 576 Packets of rubber bands
  
• All the grandmas in the old folk’s home
  
• 2 people’s worth of green skin
  
• The 5th Teletubbie
  
• 2 beach balls
  
• 1 Judge Judy (there’s only one, I hope)
  
• 1 block o’ chocolate
  
• 2 Ya Mums
  
• 1 Garfield phone

If you have none and/or almost none of the ingredients listed, send a self addressed business sized envelope to Uncyclopedia with a list of things you need. Make sure in contains $2,000,000,000 (our address is stated when you call the help line) and you will not receive anything back…… just kidding…… kind of. It’s just a very generous tip. I hope you give the money! I need money!

Tools

The biggest tool you'll need.

How do tools differ from ingredients, or even equipment? Ah hell, who knows/cares, I'd rather kidnap Shane Warne, then not make the tree.

Oh, and remember. Keep all of these tools in a back pack.

• Jackhammer
  
• Shane Warne’s cricket bat
  
• Shane Warne’s hairpiece
  
• Shane Warne’s cigarette packs
  
• Shane Warne’s stupid girlfriend thing
  
• Shane Warne’s mobile phone
  
• Shane Warne’s… bah who cares.↱
  
• Screwdriver
  
• Scissors (stabbing yourself)
  
• Mallet (this is used to make the tree lose weight)
  
• Gun and/or ammo
  
• Remote control
  
• T-shirt
  
• Chainsaw
  
• Paint brush
  
• Pen
  
• Flame thrower
  
• 17

Tree Decorations

ROARRR! Hypothesis useless!

• Bells
  
• Second-hand Tinsel
  
• Candy canes that have been found in a bin
  
• Human heads (well it is a Christmas tree)
  
• Dead cats
  
• Cameron (He died)
  
• Home-made candy things made out of old chewing gum
  
• Tom Green from his part in Road Trip
  
• Calculator
  
• Tape Measure
  
• Treasure map
  
• A Super Mario Kart… Bowsers one…
  
• Something
  
• Andrew’s nose hair
  
• Poopy
  
• A blue Red Rooster
  
• Chickens
  
• The classical poison snake on top of the tree
  
• AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

Method: Step 1: Gain Cash

Put all ingredients in a car drive it of a cliff. Then quickly put on your running shoes and run home (and tell your mum I said hi). Bake a cherry pie and put it on top of your Xbox. Stomp on pie. After doing this, go down a pond and swipe some tadpoles with a see-through drink bottle. Walk around McDonalds and go up to the counter and order something. When they ask if you want a drink, reply with, “No thanks, I’ve got my tadpoles.” Ask if they want some cheerfully. After they decline, take a swig yourself. Congratulations, YOU’RE PREGNANT.

You know how women are always complaining about food going to their thighs? Well that’s where these tadpoles are going. Go to the food court and sit at a table, stroking your legs. Then take your household pet (I don’t care if it’s a damn budgie, you’re doing it) and put it in the microwave on high for 17 minutes. Then put a small amount of the ingredients in big bowl and take it to school then throw at your teacher …then get expelled. Even if you don’t go to school, throw it at a teacher. This way you’ve got more time to complete everything else.

Your teacher. Attractive, isn't she?

To make money enter yourself as a contestant on Deal Or No Deal. Win 17c. With your 17c go down to the supermarket and buy the household pet you killed in the microwave. If 17c won’t buy that pet (I’m aiming at African elephant) then steal it. If you happen to want to get an African elephant, then don’t bother trying to steal it unless you want 17 years of community service. Nobody will enjoy that, unless you’re absolutely bloody crazy and like helping people 17 years straight. Get cash. Then go back to the not so very supermarket, buy stuff, and go to cash register #17. Go to the house next door and break into the house. Think you’re gonna steal something? Nope. You’re gonna drink their beer. Do so and take their car to the local pub and get into a fight with a snobby posh rich guy. Win. Drive home.

Quick! Get in!

Turn on the oven and purposely burn some of Mum’s best flowers in it. Take out the burnt flowers and scream “I want the new Action-Man Doll!” until your throat is sore. Dump the flowers in the middle of the road. Wait for a car to run over them and laugh hysterically. Then jump off a tall building (It better be 17 stories!) After jumping down go eat some cheese. Now go home, some how. Use a sharp knife to cut open your seat. You will find a photograph of Michael Jackson. Why you ask? I don’t know. Quickly eat a bar of soap and smoke some dope, then fly to the nearest farm in your bubble.

Method: Step 2: There must've been something in those tadpoles...

Myer: The Back Store

Tell the dog at the farm, Lassie, to eat lead. You know what to do…… hopefully…… just kidding……… kind of Go to Myer and try on clothes that are 17 sizes too small, make sure they all rip down the middle. Buy them. Talk to some one of the same gender. Say to them “Hey, come back to my house so we can try on clothes that are too small, or bat each other with blow up hammers, or…….” Stop there and laugh hysterically and whisper “or we can ride the bus!” Start laughing hysterically again. Then ask them “So will you come?” Just before they answer slap them in the face.

Sets in nicely, doesn't it?

Run to an open window and yell out “I got hit by a bus!” Jump out the window. Before you hit the ground, smoke dope, eat a bar of soap and in your bubble you will find a piece of paper. The paper says ‘KILL THE CRAZY FROG!’ You must do this or die. Now steal a fridge from Harvey Norman, try to run like hell, then climb up a tall mountain, get in to the fridge and slide down the hill, have fun! Go to your home and ring Bubba’s, ask what their phone number is. When the guy says the number hang up and then call back and order a large Hawaiian pizza. When you go down to pick up the pizza, lean over the counter and put your hand over your mouth and say a bit louder than a whisper “Can you make sure the pizza is dead?” The guy over the counter will look as if to say “What drugs are you on?”

Run out, then take your bubble to the airport. Steal a guitar and sing the theme to Play School again and again to make money. After getting about $20 from that, hold the guitar out to the person who you stole it from. As they go to grab it, pull it back and say “Psyche!” Then repeat that as many times as you want, or just can’t take the tedium anymore. Fly your bubble to Cash Converters and trade it in for about $43. Now you should have $63 (and an extra 17c if you stole your animal) so go and hold it out to a homeless person. As they go to grab it, pull it back and say “Psyche!” Repeat this until bored.

Can your hand fit in there? My hook sure can't.

Go to the nearest Aquarium and stick your hand in the Shark container. I like Ice Cream. Say “Hey, come here Jaws, bite me!” as the Shark comes to get you, (a.k.a. Jaws) pull your hand out and say “Psyche!” Repeat this until you get told off, or get your hand bitten off. Break a calculator. Go home and ring random phone numbers and yell in to the phone “DENNIS MY CHIPS ARE COLD.” Do this 17 times. Next steal a bar of soap and some dope, eat it/smoke it, and then fly to the White House in your bubble.

Method: Step 3: Time to be a hero!

You know who you must eliminate.

Park your bubble. Present your butt to President Bush, and say he can kick you in the bum. As he’s about to hit you, move away and say “Psyche!” Then push him onto his table, and leave as he struggles to get up like a stupid old person. Steal his wallet. Don’t bother trying to escape in your bubble, as it would get shot down. So instead, go hide in a security guard’s shotgun. They’ll never think of looking for you there ;)

When it’s safe to leave, fly to New Zealand and steal a sheep. Trap it in your bubble, and fly to some kid’s tree house. Inside, shear the sheep and somehow make a cape out of it. On it, write the letters ‘I.S.H.N.H.’, which, by the way, stands for Insert Super-Hero Name Here. So the tree house is now your ‘secret lair and/or base’. I like Ice Cream. Some little wiener kid should come along and find you eventually. He will say “What’s Ishnh?” Reply with “No, no, it’s not Ishnh, its I-S-H-N-H! It stands for Insert Super-Hero Name Here, and that is what I am!” He should ask you what the sheep is for. Say it’s your sidekick, Woolly Sheep. Then he will ask for an ice-cream cone. Say no, and that if he asks one more question you’ll bat him in the face with your sheep (a.k.a. sidekick) So he will then say “Where do babies come fr—“ and interrupt him there, by throwing a sheep at him. The little wiener kid should call for his mummy.

An example of what your boomalation should look like.

She should come and yell at you and ask what the hell you’re doing in there. I like Ice Cream. Look around nervously, and then say “I must press my escape button!” Pretend to push a button in the wall, and sing “Sunshine and Lollipops” as you float off in your bubble. Go to the supermarket and buy as much Cooking Oil as you can. If you stole Bush’s wallet, you shouldn’t have much trouble there. Fly in your bubble, with the oil to the Aquarium. Pour ALLLLLLL the oil into the water, and then light a match. Drop the match into the water. Watch everything go boomalation and run like hell so you do…… not explode. Dodge all the dead animals sliding towards you.

Method: Step 4: Transport

Go to the bus station and sit next to someone at the station. Ask them what the line is for. When they say it’s the bus line, scream. Keep screaming. After screaming a bit, bounce up and down and say

An easy mistake to make. This isn't a real bus at all!

“My mummy said I could ride the bus alone, because she’s with a client, she’s a cereal killer, she’s got something against cereal and I like ice cream”. When the bus comes, jump up and down yelling “THE BUS IS HERE! THE BUS IS HERE!” Stop for a while, dumbfounded, move your head to the side and say “Is that the bus?” Get on the bus and sit next to the person you talked to/annoyed before and ask them “Do you have pictures of green people?” They SHOULD reply no, and then say “I have lots. You wanna see them?” Before they can answer, interrupt. “You know that’s a fine looking suitcase you got there (even if they don’t have one) I saw a guy on the bus once, he had one like that, and I stole it and opened it. Well actually I just threw it on the ground and stomped on it to make it open, and I took it away with me.”

Then move to the front seat and sing “The Wheels On The Bus” repeatedly until the bus driver tells you off. Sit next to some one and say “I don’t like the bus driver he’s mean and I think he had some serious issues with his makeup. I mean, just look at him- he looks like a chipmunk with green hair, green eye shadow and pink cheeks. Who does he think he is? Britney Spears? I like Ice Cream. Speaking of which where WOULD he get his makeup from anyway? I don’t think he can just drive the bus in to a shop and buy Cover Girl that easy…” Then go to someone who looks like they’ve been to the beach. Carefully steal their sunscreen. Sit back down somewhere. Pull out a visor and sunnies, (from somewhere, most likely the person’s bag). Put the sunscreen on and, sunbake!! If people look at you jump up and challenge them to a fight.

Then turn back to your normal self and sit in a disabled seat, and make sure there’s a disabled person sitting there. They will tell you, you shouldn’t be sitting there, look at the sign saying the seat is for the disabled, elderly or pregnant. Ask them what the sign says. When they say so, say to your self, “Hmm… I’m not disabled-ed, and I’m definitely not elderly, although I do look a bit wrinkly, so I must be pregnant!” Then scream out, “I’M PREGNANT!” (This is funnier if you’re male.) They should ask if you know what pregnant means. Look around for a bit, then jump up, run to the front, and scream “Driver let me off! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!” By now you should be near Charcoal Chicken. (If you managed to get off the bus. If you didn’t hijack the bus.)

Method: Step 5: Animal fun, in every way possible!

A live chicken? Why?!

Go to Charcoal Chicken and ask the cashier guy for a medium sized chicken, put 5 dollars on the counter. (Not too sure if 5 bucks will buy a medium chicken these days.) When the guy says you need more money, stare at him for a while. Then say, “I’ll pay you AFTER you give me my chicken.” Then he should ask if you want fries with that. Say “Nah-aaaaah, I can’t eat fries, ‘coz I got hit by a bus and all that.” Look around, then say “Umm hang on, I’ll have to sleep on it.” Fall onto the floor and pretend to sleep. Pull out a cigarette and smoke it during your ‘sleep’. This is just for kicks. In your ‘sleep’, say “Grandma! The bus Grandma! Watch out!!!..... crazy drunk pedestrian.” Wake up, and then say that you’ve thought about it. Then lean over the counter and lean forward onto the table, jumping sorta, with your legs going up behind you. Then say “My answer is… actually… I want fries with that. You know, my doctor told me not to, ‘coz I got hit by the bus and all,” Then, with a hand over your mouth, lean in and whisper to him, “But he’s not around!” Then wink at him.

“OH WAIT! I DON’T want the fries, but I DO… Want a medium sized chicken and a salad. Oh and a can of Pepsi. AND I want fries but no things.” Smile at him. The cashier guy should be really freaked out now, so he should be pressing his hand under the desk. Ask him, “Whatcha doing?” He should say he’s trying to find ‘this button’. Ask him what button it is… then you hear a beep, and you fly through the roof. Scream “Delta Rules!” as you fly. You should be somewhere in Africa now. Ha ha ha ha……… lucky.

Find an elephant somewhere, and jump on it. Ride it, and hold a fishing line with a piece of meat on the end. Hold it out the front of the elephant, and it will follow it like a donkey does. After 25000 miles and 17 cm and something, which is a LOT more than Africa covers I think, in which you should be right behind where you started on the elephant. Congratulations, you went around Africa in a week. Wait, that’s not our point. Screw everything I said. Keep reading. Now, you can use the best shield and flying machine EV R. Smoke dope, eat a bar of soap, and fly all the way home. But not your home, go to your neighbour’s home, and drop on their roof. The elephant should crush the roof into a million pieces, and the people inside should not be breathing anymore. (Success! You’ve just eaten an apple pie!) Now here comes the funᇗ part: Playing jigsaw puzzle with the pieces of the house, so you build the house again.

Boogie on down!

Take the bones off the people, and put them on the freeway. A car should see them and stop, causing another car to crash into that car. Then another car crashes into the second car, and so on. Congratulations, you just made a world record by causing the biggest car crash in history. (If you can hear this, you’ve got issues).

Go steal a monkey from the zoo, and/or go to a national park (in any country. Just make sure you take the monkey) and tie it to a tree. If the park ranger finds you, he’ll probably ban you from the park. Come back that night and the monkey should be gone. (#&$*%@ park ranger.) So go steal another one, then tie it to a tree again. Now, for the really fun part. Kick it in the crotch! Repeat again and again (hey, isn’t that what repeatedly means?)

The result. Lawsuits are common.

Then, now that it’s weak, throw rocks at it. Weeee!! Fun. Now, take wooden stakes and lean them against the tree in a circle. Ha ha ha ha, here’s another fun part! Now before you do anything else, get 5 of your closest enemy friends, and dress like Indians. Then get all of you back to the monkey tree. Take a match and drop it on the wooden stakes. Watch the monkey BUUUUURN. Dance around in a circle with your friends chanting “Burn, monkey burn! Burn, monkey burn!” until all that’s left of the monkey is it’s wristwatch. (Please note, you can do this with any other animals if you think torturing monkeys is cruel. Hey, that’s how my life led to divorce. By the way, it’s very funᇗ burning a rhino. You can take its ivory and sell it).

Now burn down a……… now you must tell the French that I cant build the bomb………no type this in code…… I mean go burn a…… cow…… and then …………………. This not a secret letter to the Germans……err I must go now (Door slam, Car screech sound).

Method: Step 6: Is it over yet?

The question is: The hospital is where?

Go to the hospital and push a trampoline from a nearby house next to a wall. Bounce on the trampoline again and again until you reach the top window. Say “PSYCHE!” to the person in the top window every time you reach them. Continue this for an hour. Delta Rules! Then pick up the trampoline and throw it onto the road. Sneak in to Myer and get in to the room where they keep the microphone, I hope you had bake beans for breakfast, pick up the microphone and fart your brains out. How do ya make an apple crumble? Ha ha ha….

Now head inside a hospital. Go and steal a baby from the woman in maternity ward 17. Bring it to a doctor and say “Doctor! Doctor! You have to deliver a baby! The address is at this hospital, at maternity ward 57! Quickly now!!” As the doctor runs to the ward, quickly dash outside to your bubble. Fly your bubble to W.W.E. and verse the champion. Get kicked in the crotch again and again, and every time you’re kicked there scream “My eye!” in agony. Now that your crotch is sore, go to the supermarket and buy Poke’mon soft toy. Now strap it to a 17,000 volt wire. Give it to a small child who enjoys Poke’mon. Do the psyche thing, and then really give it to him and/or her. Watch the Poke’mon (thing)… And the kids… go boomalation. Laugh evilly like you just did something really evil, which you did.

FUGLY!

Go to K-mart and set up a tent in the camping area and tell the people that you are spending the night, ask them nicely if they can get you some pillows. Spend the night. This away you can catch up on lots of sleep. Go to a changing room. Wait a while and then scream “WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER”. Run out with your pants pulled down to your ankles, and people will die of fright and\or nervous break down. :D. Now if you're not dead and/or arrested go find a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign and put on a carpeted area. Laugh evilly.

Get a bag of M & Ms and ask the guy at the counter if you put them on lay-by. The guy will look at you really weirdly. Stare back at him without blinking, the man will say “How much do you want to put on it?” Keep staring. He will be really freaked out by now. Keep staring until he kills himself. Next walk around humming the tune to Mission Impossible, do this for a while, then walk around looking at things. When a guy says “Can I help you?” Scream and yell “Why can’t you people leave me alone?!” Run off crying. Get a bottle of tomato sauce and leave the trail going to the women’s change rooms.

Now take a bubble to a shoe store and ask for a Big Mac. After you’ve been declared mental by many other customers watching you, go to McDonalds, and in the drive-thru ask for a pair of sized 6 NIKE cleats. After the guy in the window gives them to you, which he will, because you ordered it, go to the playground at McDonalds. Climb to the top of the slide thingy, still in your bubble, and there should be a line of 37 kids. Bounce each one of them over the wall and into the parking lot, and slide down the slide somehow in your bubble. Please note: This may be impossible without bursting the bubble.

Help

If you’re having trouble somewhere, or get caught by the cops, call 1700-5477-69-277* (a.k.a. 1700-KISS-MY-ASS) Enjoy your Christmas tree! (The tree is not edible. IT’S MADE OF STONE.)

How to not get arrested

• Do the psyche thing with the cops when they go to put you in handcuffs
• Get kicked in the crotch and say “My earlobe! I’m not supposed to get chewing gum in it!”
• Tell ‘em to eat lead.
• Silly string attack! (Aim for their eyes)

Low on cash?

• Sell that picture of the sunken ship.
• Go and steal Bill Gates’ wallet repeatedly. He’ll probably restock after you steal it anyway.
• Shane Warne’s hairpiece will go good on eBay.
• So will his other things, too. (Including his girlfriend thing. That should sell high… if he still has one.)

Thirsty?

You sicken me.

Well, there are only so many things you can do in a situation like this:

• Drink your own pee (desperate)
• Drink animal’s pee (even more desperate, you don’t know what it’s been drinking)
• Toilet drinking (oh geez, that’s psycho)
• An infested swamp
• Mt. Splashmore water
• Swallow your saliva
• Sea water
• Fresh water <<< Don’t do that
• Beer ;)
• Err… drink a dog
• Take a 17 week old baby and throw it off a cliff. Hope it survives.
• Drink some business cards.

We were running out of ideas. I/we won’t take responsibility if you die and/or have to have your entire body amputated from your left ear. I mean (*Cough*).

Extras

What happened to the people you tormented?

Well the guy in McDonalds had a nervous break down and died, the same happened to the guy at the shoe store expect backwards. The two kids you roasted are now the 8th wonder of the world and the guy in the elevator is still standing here confused. The monkey that you’ve burned is in a better place. (*Cough*) And you are probably too. Oh yeah, and as for Cameron, he’s still dead. Still. Ha ha rot.

Win!

Haha... mule.

If you can guess how many chickens are in this box you WIN them both! Send the answer to ‘I know how many chickens there are in the box and I want them both’ P.O. box Money Box, Vic, plus $17000 for enter fee.

Coming Never...

How To Make A Christmas Tree 2!

It’s bigger, it’s better, it’s taller, it’s more exciting! And it’s SO repetitive! And it’s SO repetitive! And it’s SO repetitive! It’ll bore you to death! If you buy in the next never, you’ll get a book ‘Things To Do On A Rainy Day!’ (Including ‘How To Make A Christmas Tree’ 1 & 2, and nothing else!) Plus, a free pack of Shane Warne’s cigarettes, PLUS… a bubble! And for a limited time only, the Barbie Goth, Barbie Emo, and Barbie Male editions! Never buy! Only $29.99! And the Funkazoid box set it comes with all 3 Funkazoids! And the plans to kill Mrs. Smith 1 and 2 and maybe 3 or not! Buy Never! And really you don’t have to pay for any thing because we will probably all br dead.

Arrested yet?

Tell yourself to eat lead. Or, if you don’t feel like doing that, just cuss at a police officer. No matter what happens, it will end with the same outcome – you’ve been shot, so are two kids, all the animals in the aquarium are dead, you killed some stupid people, your household pet is dead, those flowers have been burnt and run over, a house if left broken into and a car missing, George Bush is still struggling to get up, you killed Lassie, humoured a shark and an orphaned kid, 37 children left lying in a car park, the roof of a hospital damaged, ruined a perfectly good pair of shoes, scared a McDonalds clerk guy, scared other people at the Shoe Store, locked away from the real word for 17 years, stole a guitar, smoked dope, ate soap, sold a bubble, and painted a Christmas Tree red, and you know how… heaps of other stuff, plus you destroyed your own car.

Rumours

You’re probably thinking, “Hey, what’s with the number 17? You’re probably in love with it. Ha ha you love the number 17. Go marry it.” Marry a number? That’s just preposterous.

After we married the number 17, we decided we would never reveal what the story behind it was, so we’ll probably never reveal the secret of 17, we will leave you on a cliff hanger by putting your mind in a vortex of doom. (If you read the 2nd it will make more sense… maybe. No it won’t).We’ll actually cut open your head and put doom in there, but that’s not the point. The point is here’s a list of possible reasons for the number 17.

• It’s the age of the people who wrote this crap put together.
• The amount of years Uncyclopedia has been running.
• The number of years it takes to complete this.
• The number of hours it took to write this.
• Our budget for this recipe.
• The average age of Australians to lose their virginity
• The world will ersplode in the year 1717
• Oscar Wilde’s birthday. (Oops, not supposed to reveal anything about ol' Wildey. Now where’s that backspace? Oh here it is. Backspace.)

Maybe none of this is true, maybe it is all true, but we will reveal the real meaning of 17 in the next sentence. The real meaning of 17 is…revealed after this ad break.

Credits

Special Thanks

• Thankyou Cameron for letting us use his name so many times without us asking him, and he didn’t sue (whoever the hell Cameron is). MartIn for not getting in our way and ice cream for containing sugar.
• Ren and Stimpy are on steroids.
• Based on “Cooking With Severity”
• ЉéЙ was not here for a change
• The second half of the alphabet is even harder than the first.
• Last night I lay on my bed gazing at the stars when I said “Hey, where the hell is my roof?” When I realized the repo men took it.

FAQ's

Q. Why did you make this?
A. Well, this was created in a drunken stupor. (Okay, a sugar-high)

Q. Have you ever wrote an autobiography?
A. On what?

Q. Can I get a refund?
A. No comment

Q. What does the Christmas Tree look like?
A. If you bothered to get off your bloody ass and do this recipe which you bought for $17 (I assumed you would do it if you bought it) then you would know, you goonish piece of baggage!

Q. What do I do with the Monkey’s wrist watch?
A. Send it to us. (I need Cash)

Q. Do I have to watch the “Funkazoid 3” movie?
A. Yes.

Q. Can’t I see the “Funkazoid 2: Return of the Funk” movie?
A. No

Q. Really?
A. Yes

Q. Really?
A. No.

Q. Wow! Cool!
A. I was kidding.

Q. Really?
A.

Q. Really?
A. Oh fine then. You can see ‘Psycho Murders From Hell Meet Bambi.’

Q. Really?
A. No. You must see the Funkazoid. Although that movie is pretty good.ର

Q. Whathell?
A. (Strange laughing sounds)

Q. What about the original “Funkazoid”?
A. What about it? (Don’t answer that.)

Q. What’s with the Number 17? It’s everywhere
A. Ask Jason, the Supreme Fuzzy Overlord of Hawaiian Pizza.

Q. Who’s Jason?
A. God, you’re stupid.

Q. Aren’t we all?
A. (*Cough*) (Door slam, car screech)Ӫ

Q. Isn’t this animal cruelty?
A. I thought there were only 10 questions…

Q. Is there a “Funkazoid IV” coming out?
A. Don’t bother, don’t care.

Q. But I like the Funkazoid.
A. So?

Q. So he’s cool.
A. These aren’t even questions.

Q. Who’s Cameron?
A. He’s dead.

Q. Why?
A. Because he just is.

Q. What do I do with the left over cash?
A. I doubt if you will have cash left over. But if you do send it to us

Q. What do I do with the tree when I’m finished with it?
A. Put your finger in an electronic pencil sharpener.

Q. Who’s Martin?
A. Well this ‘Martin’ you speak of is actually part of the CIA and we are not at liberty to reveal this. I’ve already typed too much. Now where’s the backspace? Oh here it is. Backspace.

Q. Can I bring my pet rock along for the ride?
A. Chocolate surprise.

Q. What’s chocolate surprise?
A. You will never know… *twilight zone theme*

Q. vbvhfnhhmnnm,m,m?
A. #%^U*&&%&*&%

Q. How do I do the method if I have dyslexia?
A. Nay yaw ouy nac. Could you read that?

Q. What if I like Poke’mon and don’t want to destroy the plush toy thingy?
A. Put it in your Poke’mon Rolodex and smoke it.

Sey .A
?sdrawkcab siht si .Q

Q. If I can’t do all of this stuff …
A. What do you mean by ‘can’t’?

Q. When I was robbing George Bush I got caught, so can you pay my bail?
A. What happened to 11 Questions?

Q. Why are there so many questions?
A. I really don’t know……………….

Q. BEN IS COOOOOL!
You listen to this long explanation.
Otherwise you will never succeed in life.
Under the circumstances, Ben is not cool. Nor do I.
And besides, you don’t know who Ben is.
Remember, Cameron is dead.
Everybody knows it! You should too.
Cause it’s just a well-known fact.
Reading this is a waste of 17 seconds
Also, you should think twice before doing stuff.
Zulu’s live in my toilet.
You should follow these things, and be human! Փ

Q. Why did it say you could build bomb for the French?
A. This tends to slip between code and what it really doesn’t really say.

Q. Do you have a secret hide out?
A. Yeah, it’s in Area 17. I mean err... (Door slam, Car Screech) Ⴌ

Q. Who is Mrs. Smith?
A. A descendent for the Devil

Q. The cow goes moo
A. Yes, yes it does.

Q. If you tied a cup holder to a rocket and fired it into the sun and sun exploded, and everybody wanted to kill you because you basically just killed them, and you manage to flee to Antarctica where the penguins wanted you dead because you swear at the King Penguin and you had no idea where to go next, but you realize there’s an opening in Mars University for the course of ‘How To Make A Time Machine’ and you take it and make a time machine and too far back in time (to 17000 B.C., give or take) and your time machine bursts into flames yet you can’t make another one because the universe didn’t even exist, thus you have no materials to make it with, and you write ‘I’m screwed’ on your hand but you end up getting ink poisoning and The Wiggles come out of your hand and try to bore you to death with their evil songs but your wearing ear plugs and the ear plugs explode but you fly to area 17 and get drugged up for seeing some bombs and some aliens and than stranded on the moon with only 1 air tank to last for 17 seconds but you eat the moon and every one even more mad at you and you become Suicidally depressed and want to die but you win the lotto and your happy but you loose it all in a on-line poker game but you signed up with a fake name and then hide in Tokyo only to find out it’s the Wiggles hide out and they hypnotize you in to being a Wiggle but you hate it then you eat a pie and die but you live because of the sun but you get sun burn and then I 17 my house but it does not do make sense… would you change your favourite ice-cream flavour?
A. No matter what happens, my favourite flavour will always be sauerkraut.

Notes

Note: Note the Notes and you will be noted on noting the Notes.

• Area 17 is heavily guarded 4 days a week (you guess which 4) I mean, damn, I’ve typed too much again. Aha here it is. Backspace.
• Փ Want to win a prize? There if a secret phrase in that block of text. Figure it out and send it to squinteh@hoooootmail.com and if you are correct, well you are wrong!
• Note: We will not be held responsible if these ‘fun’ parts are not fun.
• There are other films you can see such as: The Funkazoid IV: The Funk Machine, Jimmy Hopkins save Christmas, Lassie Crosses the 8 Lane Freeway and some small other ones. To find out what they are send us $17, and we will send you the list. I hope. (

↱ This object is a very important form this project.

• We can not guarantee that I/we are all human.
• Note: Calling the ‘Making a Christmas Tree/Tree Sex Chat’ help-line may end in utter disaster. You may not receive any advice, or help, or be talked to at all. In fact, our phone service people may ask you out on a date. We will not be held responsible for anyone who suffers injuries, arrests, impaled, raped, burned, infected, ancient artefacts smashed, or being forced to date our helpers and/or any other problems that you may suffer. Please note that the tree may also weigh up to 37,593,475kg. Sex chat models may or may not be over 18. Models may or may not be under 40. In fact, some are in their late ‘80s. Models may or may not have all their own teeth. $1.80 for the first minute, then $17.00 for every minute after that. Seventeenth minute is free. Seventeen-hundredth minute we pay you. We give you fair warning, the tree sex chat is extremely raunchy and should not be handled by peoples under 18 as there is many of sexual references and talk of bark and sap. Kids, get parents permission to call. Quickly now, go on. Don’t bother complaining to us if you break your back while carrying the tree, and don’t bother suing. The judges are bribed.

Fare Thee Well

The End Oh wait there was a Giant Robot that killed us all.

The End

Or is it???

No it’s not But now it is

The End?

The Number 17 means that… to find out, buy all of our other works. It’s in there somewhere….

Coming Soon (or never)……… ‘How To Make A Christmas Tree 2’

The End End It’s Ended now.