UnNews:Trump warns against 'alt-left' and 'Ctrl+alt+del' groups

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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Excellent sound quality from the government of the world's biggest super power.

President Donald Trump caused further controversy in the wake of the Charlottesville troubles, by suggesting that as well as the alt-right, alt-left and ctrl-alt-del groups were to blame.

“What about the ‘alt-left’ that came charging at, as you say, the ‘alt-right?’” Trump asked.

"What about the fact they came charging, they came charging with clubs in hands, swinging clubs? Do they have any... problem?” he added, stuck on the word 'charging' and looking without success for a synonym for the word 'guilt' (perhaps 'responsibility', Mr President?).

He settled for 'problem'.

These remarks alone caused shock, with full-time Trump analyst Joanna Corey saying: "Obviously there are a lot gun-toting, bible-thumping, sister-humping rednecks in this country - so pretty much all presidential candidates tiptoe around Southern issues like the confederate flag and gun control for fear of losing the potentially key yokel vote.

"But here the President seems to be sticking his head out in case he loses the Nazi flag-waving tiki-torch-burning white supremacist vote... How many of them does he think there are? Is he worried that if he condemns them... they might vote Democrat next time?"

However, the press conference did not end there. Trump began to rattle off a list of alt-left crimes, claiming to have proof of the existence of a hood-wearing extremist group named the Mu Marx Klan, and their culturally-ingrained practice of tying white supremacists to the back of Toyota Priuses and dragging them through recently-regenerated high streets, before lynching them with nooses made of recycled hemp.

With his swiveling eyes starting to notice that he had lost the room, Trump promptly changed tack: "Well what about the... the ctrl+alt+delete people? Wait a minute! Wait a minute, fake news! These are horrible, horrible people. The ctrl+alt+delete people - these are very dangerous people, Ctrl alt del.gifvery dexterous people.

"And maybe they are connected to the hacking? Just try typing their name into Google a couple of times!"

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