UnNews:Trump book 'Fire and Fury': Biggest spoilers
Saturday, January 6, 2018
|Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.
This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that The Princess is in Another Castle®, Will stabs Davy Jones's heart, and takes over as captain of the Flying Dutchman, "Shell City" was a gift shop, Professor Xavier lives, the whole show was a dream in an autistic kid's head, the alien scum was distracting Duke Nukem all along while their real invasion force was moving in on Earth, Janus grows up to be Magus, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Daniel Jackson becomes a Prior of the Ori, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!
|Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House|
|Subject(s)||Presidency of Donald Trump|
|Genre(s)||Non-fiction, U.S. politics|
|Publisher||Henry Holt and Company|
|Media type||Print, e-book, audiobook|
Michael Wolff's explosive Trump exposé, Fire and Fury, came out Friday and UnNews has just received our copy of the nonfiction bestseller, whose film rights have surprisingly not been sold, or even discussed. It's a pretty juicy book, and since this is UnNews, I'm going to be a jerk and spoil the plot. Save your death threats, at least we're not spoiling Star Wars.
Just before Trump fired Comey with his Lightsaber, the FBI Director told him, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Lordy, I hope there are tapes!"
"You bet your ass there's tapes! I have the best tapes! You're fired."
On the eve of the anniversary of November 8th, Trump was visited by three ghosts, four if you count Steve Bannon, who showed him the error of his ways via Past, Present, and Yet to Come. Unfortunately, as expectedly, Trump dismissed the whole charade as "fake news CNN. Pathetic. Sad. What a bunch of losers. I have the best memories, the best predictions, and most definitely the best prophecies. Believe me!" This lead the Ghost of Yet to Come (a.k.a. Paul Manafort) to palm his face for three straight hours. Trump tried to call the Ghostbusters, but couldn't remember their phone number.
When Mueller broke down the door to the Oval Office, indictment in hand, Trump refused to budge. He taunted Mueller, "Showboat Comey never told you what happened to your father."
"He told me enough," Mueller retorted. "He told me you killed him."
Trump told Mueller, "No, that's fake news. I am your father."
"No, that's not true! That's impossible! That means you gave birth to me two years before you were born!"
"That was just a movie."
"If that weren't scientifically impossible, that would be a confession!"
"Plutonium, you orange buffoon!"
Kushner threw the ring into the lava on Mount Doom
Jared Kushner, secretly nicknamed "Frodo" by Bannon finally made it to Mordor and disposed of the ring. But not without duking it out with "Samunwise" Mike Pence and "Gollum/Sméagol" KellyAnne Conway.
The Art of the Deal is a cookbook
Trump, a famously poor speller, meant to title his 1989 book, The Art of the Meal. When Mueller got to the end of the book, he realized it was a cookbook about how to prepare humans for food, everything from fast food to Soylent Green to five-star gourmet. Mueller barely escapes being eaten at the end. He then discovers that Trump is a Replicant.
Fire and Fury, released as a hardcover on January 5, 2018, is available wherever books are sold.
- Technically, 706 days, but who's counting?
- "CORRECTION: An earlier version of the story misidentified the fictional character name Bannon uses to refer to Jared Kushner as Frodo, a 'Lord of the Rings' reference, rather than Fredo, a reference to 'The Godfather.'"
- Christina Wilkie "10 wild claims about Trump's White House from the upcoming book 'Fire and Fury'" CNBC, January 3, 2018