UnNews:Thirteen Russks, whattaya get?

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Saturday, February 17, 2018

Hand over the Pee Tapes!

WASHINGTON -- Tweeting orangutan and former real estate mogul and game show host Donald Trump not only had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, but also one with a Playboy Bunny. And that's not even the biggest bombshell that dropped Friday. Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted thirteen of those pesky Russkies and three Russian entities for their role in attempting to rig the 2016 election in favor of Trump. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT ALSO rigging the primaries in a similar fashion -- favoring Trump over Republican challengers such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio; and favoring Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton.

Russians created fake social media profiles (How many are actually real, though? That hot college chick is actually an 82-year-old woman... and sometimes not even a woman!), entered the United States, posed as Trump supporters and a few posed as fake protesters. They hired somebody to play Hillary in a prison uniform. And one American (not within Trump's circle), Richard Pinedo, is charged with identity theft/fraud in connection to all this.

Deputy Attorney General (and Mueller's boss) Rod Rosenstein held a press conference to announce this news publicly. A very ballsy move, versus a simple press release, because Mueller and Co. have just come forward to tell Trump that they are bulletproof and, simply put, Trump is not a legitimate president, never has been. He was never even legitimately the party's nominee. If the election had played fairly, it would have been Hillary vs. Rubio or Hillary vs. Cruz. So no matter what, the Republican Party was screwed.

Also, Mueller and Rosenstein have very firmly established that there's no use in Trump trying to fire them, as it would only make him more guilty. But of course, Guilty is Trump's middle name (Actually, it's John, but who the hell cares?), and if there's an absolutely stupidest thing to do and a stupidest way to do it, by God, he'll do it.

What happens when the ship goes down? Well, obviously, the damage is already done. There's no precedent in American history. There's also no President in the White House. By all accounts, Hillary Clinton is the rightful 45th President of the United States. If those pesky Russkies had stayed out of our political affairs, she'd be sitting in the Oval Office and we'd all be fine and dandy with a big ol' smile on our face whistling "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" out our assholes. We'd need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.

First, it was Boris and Natasha. Pretty soon, it'll be Dr. Zaius himself. Trump owes his win to the Krem-l-in score. Stay tuned for more updates.