UnNews:Oscar winners 2018

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Monday, March 5, 2018

Horror wins big at the 90th Oscars!

HOLLYWOOD -- The 90th Annual Oscars had a lot less filler than you're probably used to. Hell, I barely even noticed the bloated runtime. The usual Oscar bait movies were in the running, but there were plenty of welcome surprises.

It was a big night for horror and genre films, which the Academy usually tells to piss off. These are genres like horror, sci-fi and fantasy. Outside of the nominees and winners, which we'll get to when I feel like it, zombie film auteur George Romero and Haruo Nakajima -- who had the honor of putting on a rubber lizard suit and stomping on buildings in a miniature Tokyo -- were lucky enough to be honored during the In Memoriam. Video montages included clips from Psycho, The Exorcist, Aliens, Jaws, Jurassic Park, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and 1991 Best Picture winner Silence of the Lambs (won in 1992).

The Star Wars gang, including Mark Hamill and BB-8, presented two categories. Jimmy Kimmel announced that the running dude from Get Out would scare the winners off the stage if their speeches ran too long.


Now, here's what you came here for, even though you don't really give a shit one way or another. The envelopes have been opened, and so without further adieu, here are the winners of the 90th Annual Oscars (Or Academy Awards, if you're that pretentious):

(Note, to see a full list of nominees, and to prevent me from repeating myself, see UnNews:Oscar nominations 2018.)

Best Picture[edit]

The Shape of Water Fifty Shades of Fish (Genres: Creature feature, drama, romance, horror, fantasy, sci-fi, fish porn)

Best Actor[edit]

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour (Genres: Historical, war, makeup for not being in Dunkirk, last chance for Oldman to finally win a naked dude)

Best Actress[edit]

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards with My Face on Them and I Look Perpetually Pissed Off (Genre: Oscar bait, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned)

Best Supporting Actor[edit]

Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards

Best Supporting Actress[edit]

Allison Janney, If I, Tonya, Did It (Genres: True crime, ripped from the headlines, vanity biopic)

Best Director[edit]

Guillermo Del Toro, The Shape of Water Moby Dick

Best Original Song[edit]

"Nobody's Gonna Remember This Song Unless We Call It Remember Me" from Coco (Genre: Pixar Oscar bait), music and lyrics by the husband and wife who did Walt Disney's Frozen (No Really, He's Frozen!), which wong for "Let It Go" back in 2014.

Best Use of a Licensed Song[edit]

"Redbone" from Get Out (Genres: Horror, nothing scarier than white people)

Best Original Score[edit]

Alexandre Desplat, The Shape of Water Jaws Chicka Wah Wah


Roger Deakins, Blade Runner 2049 (Genres: Sci-fi, sequel that arrived 30 years too late, critically acclaimed flop, Rutger Hauer doesn't give a shit, give Deakins the Oscar before he dies)

Best Original Screenplay[edit]

Jordan Peele, Get Out

Best Adapted Screenplay[edit]

James Ivory, Call Me By Your Name (Genre: Gay coming of age, Logan was robbed)

Best Live Action Short[edit]

Some deaf kid

Best Documentary Short Subject[edit]

Heroin(e) is a Traffic Stop on the 405

Best Film Editing[edit]

Lee Smith, Dunkirk (Genres: Historical; war; 70mm and IMAX demo reel; look what film [celluloid] can do instead of that amateurish digital crap; if Nolan doesn't at least get nominated for Best Director this time, then fuck the Academy)

Visual Effects[edit]

Blade Runner 20149

Best Cartoon[edit]


Best Cartoon Short[edit]

Kobe Bryant, of All People, Makes Hand-Drawn Animation Cool Again (Genre: Real animation, not that computer crap)

Best Film in a Language (and From a Country) Donald Trump Hates (Except for Russia)[edit]

A Fantastic Woman (Chile) (Funny, all five movies have titles that sound like they're related to Trump -- A Fantastic Woman, Loveless, The Insult, On Body and Soul, The Square)

Production Design[edit]

The Shape of Water Deep Throat Blue Sea Grinding Nemo

Sound Mixing/Editing (Might as well combine these categories as they're similar and the same damn movies were nominated for each)[edit]


Best Documentary Feature[edit]

Icarus Russia Are Cheating Liars, And Not Just in Elections (Well, at least we know that Russia didn't rig this vote!)

Costume Design[edit]

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Thread (Genre: Self indulgent use of 35mm film, Daniel Day-Lewis's swan song)

Making Gary Oldman Look Like Winston Churchill[edit]

Darkest Hour

Best Fart in a Movie[edit]

Jessica Rothe, Happy Death Day (Genre: Horror). This category was last presented in 2015 for that girl who farted in another horror film, It Follows.


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