UnNews:Naked Pope Saves Christmas
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Pope Benedict XVI disappeared 8 years ago to the day after a fury of passion caused him to tear off his clothes and run out into the world naked, apparently to stop the gays from destroying the rainforest, or something. The church kept the search going for several years, only to give up and elect a new Pope. A Pope that would nearly come to doom us all by trusting us with democracy.
As happens, Krampus won the election to succeed the late Santa Claus, defeating the Nutcracker by a wide margin. It wasn't even a contest. As of sunset last night, polls closed around the globe with Krampus as the clear winner. The electoral conclave had no choice but to vote for him out of fear of either divine or unholy retribution. As of 6:66 pm, Krampus decended upon St. Peter's Square to claim his rightful title as Ruler of Christmas.
Seconds before a nervous Pope Francis could knight him with a candy cane bishop's staff to make it official, a naked old man scurried towards them, his dangling balls and wang bouncing up and down like a child on Christmas morning. It was Joe Ratzinger, a.k.a the former Pope Benedict, best known by history as the Naked Pope.
The Naked Pope ran throwing his arms in the air screaming, "They're here! The fags have emerged from the open bowels of Hell!" Krampus immediate pulled out his birch branches to spank the Naked Pope's bare ass in defense. As he lifted his hairy arm, the Naked Pople shouted, "You can't spank me, horny devil!" just as he punched Krampus in the face, knocking him backwards into the Vatican's fountain. Given that the fountain spouts pure holy water, it proved lethal to the goat demon. Krampus howled and cried out horrifying, hellish screams of pain as he disintegrated into puffs of steam.
It was at this point that Jólakötturinn the Yule cat pounced upon Ratzinger. The cat clawed his body until he looked like Jesus in the Passion of the Christ in an attempt to to slice him into smaller chunks to eat. Just as the cat was clawing at his junk, the Naked Pope grabbed him by the neck, pulling out some of his own pubic hair in the process. The Naked Pope then dropped the cat and kicked him like a football, shouting, "I don't need clothes for Christmas!" Talk about a Ratzinger.
As the cat flew through the air, someone in the crowd pulled out a shotgun, shouted "Clear!" and shot the cat like a game of skeet. It turns out the shooter was Billy Todd Joe of Alabama, who had been hired as a bounty hunter to assassinate Krampus after earning a reputation for killing Christmas characters. Billy Todd walked over to the cat's body and quipped, "Nine lives mah ass." Word has it that Billy Todd was last seen outside the Holiday Inn this morning throwing a barbecue while wearing Jólakötturinn's skin as a hat.
The crowd watching the spectacle cheered at the death of Krampus, knowing they would never have to face the consequences for their sinful behavior in this life. Pope Francis went up to the podium and apologized to the world for causing all this with his blind faith in democracy, and immediately decreed his predecessor the new earthly representative of Christmas. Archbishops draped Benedict in red and white robes to seal his image as Father Christmas. The sight was so uplifting that the crowd broke out into a chorus of "Joy to the World!"
"Why the hell are you all singing?!" our new Father Christmas shouted. "The gays are still out there! My God, Jesus Christ in Heaven, they're fagging up everything!!" Father Christmas then ripped off his robes and ran butt naked through the Italian night.
Here we go again...