UnNews:May: I want Labour to have NO seats

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Wednesday, April 19, 2017

May yesterday, moments before letting rip with a diabolical cackle.

British Prime Minister Theresa May has called for a snap election, explaining that she wants the Labour Party to lose every single one of its seats.

May, who is under no obligation to hold an election before 2020, surprised experts by calling for one in the middle of the UK's Brexit negotiations with the European Union.

"Have you seen the polls?" May asked reporters by way of explanation. "I am about 30 points ahead!

"Now, some might see that as enough of a mandate to continue what I am doing.

"I do not concur. Now is the time to call the funniest election in Britain's history: the one in which Labour loses every single member of parliament to Tory swing-voters, Little Englander UKIP strongholds, Braveheart-face-painted-blue SNP supporters, and desperate Liberal Democrat remain-types.

"I don't want them to lose 10 seats. Or 50 seats. Or 100 seats. I want them to lose every fucking one of their seats!" she added, before cackling maniacally and going back into 10 Downing Street to continue watching her Game of Thrones boxset.

Despite the grim outlook, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn welcomed the decision, saying: "Unh, fuck yeah. I've been a bad boy haven't I? Whip me, pinch my nipples, kick me between the legs. Clamp stuff to me!"

Political anal-yst Joanna Corey explained the outburst: "Labour, which currently has 229 seats in the House of Commons - down slightly from the 418 won by Tony Blair in 1997 - is in the unique position of having a leader who nominally campaigned for Remain, whose MPs largely support Remain and whose voters largely support Remain but will not now support Remain. They have lost 40 out of 41 seats in Scotland and have a leader who is way too socialist for about 75% of people in England and Wales.

"This kind of a clusterfuck only happens about once a century, and May is now taking the chance to do to Labour what Donald Trump did to those tunnels in Afghanistan."

Sources[edit]

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