UnNews:Interview with jealous Iraqi bomber

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 April 2013

On Monday, two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon, killing three and injuring dozens of others. The attention of the media, not only in the United States, but all over the world, was dominated by the story and the ensuing manhunt for two suspects.

On Thursday, a suicide bomber killed 26 and injured dozens of others, mostly young people, in a café in Baghdad. The story gained considerably less attention.

In the early hours of Saturday morning, the ghost of the suicide bomber contacted UnNews via our new séance hotline.

UnNews Well, Ahmed, thank you for calling us. An interview with a dead man - I think this must be a first for us. What would you like to talk about?

Ahmed: The bomb of course. [Chuckling] I don't suppose you want to talk about my love life!

UN No, I imagine it's pretty dry.

Ahmed: Well, maybe you could have said that in the past, but not now.

UN Now? Where are you calling from? Paradise? [Sarcastic] Are you up there with all those virgins?

Ahmed: Yes!

UN Shit! Really?

Ahmed: Yep. Virgins everywhere.

UN So what are you doing talking to us? Shouldn't you be enjoying yourself?

Ahmed: Well that's the thing. It's actually quite hard work, all these virgins.

UN Hard work?

Ahmed: Yeah, I mean none of them know what they are doing really. They are lovely, don't get me wrong, but kind of - .

UN Meek and mild?

Ahmed: Yeah, I have to be really patient with them, reassure them, and then when we have sex, it's sort of like - .

UN Thrusting gingerly?

Ahmed: Yeah, I mean I guess it gets better.

UN You probably just need to get over the hump. Once you've done it a few times with... how many of them are there?

Ahmed: Seventy two.

UN Yeah so like three or four times each. Just think of it like that, it's gonna be 200 bouts of slightly awkward sex, then it will start to feel like heaven I am sure.

Ahmed: [Downcast] I guess.

UN So... anyway, tell us about the bomb.

Ahmed: [Perking up] Oh yeah! The bomb! It went perfectly. I killed twenty six people, baby. Twenty six! Bright young things, sipping coffee in a café, thinking they were the bee's knees. You see, I had noticed there was a bit of a gap in the market for evening bombings. We Jihadists tend to be quite military types, waking up early and blowing up market places before 9am. People are much less vigilant after lunchtime. Then BAAM! I blew that shit up! There were arms, legs, and croissants everywhere!.

UN OK. So what's the problem?

Ahmed: Those two Chechnyan pricks. They didn't go to a café. They went to a marathon. A marathon for Allah's sake. Do you know how many would die if they dared to hold a marathon in Baghdad? It'd be thousands. These guys did all that research, bought the pressure cookers, and then managed to kill three people. I mean, they would have had a bigger head count if they'd cut the brakes on a family car.

UN You're upset because they didn't kill enough people?

Ahmed: No, it's not that. I mean they killed three people and... they got all that press coverage. I killed almost 9 times as many people, where is my profile on CNN? Why aren't people on Reddit trying to identify me and consequently causing a witch hunt for an innocent 17-year-old?

UN Well, American people are worth more than Iraqis.

Ahmed: What? How much?

UN Hang on, you can check the exchange rates online. [Checking on smart phone] One American is worth... 1,089 Iraqis. So you would have had to kill 3,267 to get the same coverage.

Ahmed: [Sad] If only I'd been born in Cleveland, Ohio.