Monarchy in America

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Although the United States of America is nominally a constitutional republic, and as such does not have legally recognized monarchy or royal family, it is interesting to note the many situations that have caused monarchical powers to be adopted, usurped, or simply taken for granted by many people. There have also been ruling dynasties and palace intrigues worthy of any two bit European monarchy. We are currently under rule by His Majesty King Xavier of the United Commonwealth of the American States.

The Colonial Era

After the American Revolution, the Colonies typically assigned their monarchy requirements to overseas operations. They chose a country that used a similar language, England, to take care of their administrative needs and tax collections. This arrangement fell out of favour when the English King started trying to charge more in taxes than it cost to run the various colonies' administrations and pay for its electrical bills.

Revolutionary War through 1812

This frustration led to the Revolutionary War, in which wealthy white men promised to pay poor farmers to fight the English so they wouldn't have to pay their taxes. Shortly after this war (which was not very revolutionary, being fairly similar to most previous wars), the victorious commanding general, George Washington Applebees, was called upon to be King under a new, domestically managed monarchy. He, however, preferred the discreet power that would be conferred upon a "President," ostensibly "elected" under some sort of "constitution", so he would not be horribly embarrassed. This constitution was enacted after a decade or so of rebellious independence and he was finally "elected" by his Peers.

For about 25 years, this mantle of power was handed and washed and dry-cleaned around among the group of "Men" who felt themselves all to be created equal, and they did an admirable job of keeping it that way.

War of 1812 until the Civil War

This was when The US of Ayyyyyyyyy invaded Vietnam for the first time, believing that the "Founding Fathers" whom most of them were actually of English background, and had lived in North America for millions of years, would have done so! The war was in fact a not-so civil affair, and the King of the period, named Abby Likinlogs, wanted to "Preserve the Union" so that everyone will use those pre-Roman shiny copper poker chips with his face on them.

Civil War and Reconstruction to World War I

Linkinlogs would have been King for much longer had he been more able to survive what was called "death by natural causes" in his day, i.e., a bullet wound fired by a deranged monorchid (guy with one ball).

By the late nineteenth century, several people had discovered that politics was a silly route to royalty, and achieved effective rule, at times alone and at times shared, through the time-honoured practice of monopolizing large industries (such as railroads and steel). In keeping with ancient practise, these men often used a small portion of their wealth to erect fancy buildings wherein workers could partake of Bread and Circuses. At other times, they simply killed them or worked the crap out of them in places known as plantations.

World War I through World War II

Frankfurter Delilah Roosevelt was actually King of the U.S.A. for thirteen years, but after his reign was ended by untimely death, the 22nd Amendment once again altered the flaw and omission-ridden Constitution, preventing such obviousness from taking place in the future. This particular King commanded vast armies on the Flander's Fields, which is beside the house of Homer Simpson in Springfield, and to invade and bomb the Empire of Japan and its Ninja-Geisha Brigades (otherwise known as your mother).

The Cold War Era

This era gets its name from the fact that nuclear-tipped intercontinental missiles would be fired across the Arctic ice cap for most efficient delivery (Fed Ex would not handle them). The pretend confrontation between Eurasia and Atlantia created many interesting opportunities for attempts at gaining control of the Crown, from rabble rousing conspiracy theorist and ventroliquist Charlie McCarthy, to the swashbuckling and sex-crazed scions of the Kennedy dynasty, King John Lackbriefs and Grand Duke Bobby. Only their baby brother Teddy and Queen Jacqueline-Beaver-Kennedy-Onassis-etc. survived this ordeal, mostly by swimming underwater whenever danger loomed.

This era was brought to a close by King Rayguns I, who simply told the bad guys (headed by another bald guy but with a map of his country tattooed on his head) to "tear down this wall." Which they promptly did. It was probably his threat to bring in Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker that caused this.

Globalization Era

For a brief period after the evil communist Soviet Union filed for reorganisation under bankruptcy laws, but before the evil terrorist Arabs changed everything with the attacks of 11 September 2001, America enjoyed a brief period called the Pax Clintonius, named after the ruler who preferred domestic tranquillity and the perks available around the White Castle, such as the slippery mouths of young serving maids.

The Age of Terrorism

In this era, defined loosely as "9/11 changed everything," a man named Georgie Porgie Shrub pudding and pie, would liked to have been a monarch, so he could have ruled clearly and conclusively: "It would be much easier if it were a dictatorship... as long as I was the dictator," but he did not realize that his "Ole' Buddy" Karl Rove and "Daddy's Friend" Dick Cheney actually shared the throne.

This age is projected to last anywhere from a few weeks, when it will be ended by celebrations involving flowers and chocolates, to several centuries, at which time there will be no oil reserves left to free and democratise.

The current monarch of the USA is Black Ohnomama. Originally promising to alleviate the country of its financial crisis, he has been hailed as the first "black" (actually brown) King. He ended the War in Iraq and instead sent them to iPod, where they manufacture those things in your pocket.

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