Dolemite

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Dolemite, motherfucker!
Dolemite, motherfucker!
Personal info
Nationality African American, motherfucker!
Date of birth 1945, motherfucker!
Place of birth Harlem, motherfucker!
Date of death n/a
Place of death n/a
First Lady Avril Lavigne
Political career
Order 71st President
Vice President Dog the Bounty Hunter
Prime Minister n/a
Term of office 19751976
Preceded by Shaft
Succeeded by Blackula
Political party Pimps of the Nation
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Dolemite (born 1945) was the 71st President of the United States of America, and head Pimp of the Nation. Dolemite has pimped bitches out in every country except Vatican City, Luxemborg, and North Dakota. Although the pope has put an order in for a couple of whores dressed like schoolgirls, so that knocks the list down to just two countries. Dolemite was not born, he was created in God's own image, but with a better suit.

In addition to being the pimp of pimps, Dolemite is a doctor of mathematics, a doctor of thugonomics, prince of pot, pope of dope, lawyer to the stars, certified biomechanical engineer, former E.C.W. world champion, former W.N.B.A. referee, and a professional penguin nanny. When he's not pimping, smoking, or fucking up motherfuckers, he enjoys skeet shooting, battling The Man, reading romance novels, and listening to The Village People. Dolemite has been voted sexiest black man alive twelve years in a row, preceded by George Jefferson and followed by Bill Clinton's penis. Dolemite will fuck any woman, regardless of age, color, or creed. He draws the line at she-males like Star Jones, though, because everybody has to know their limitations. Dolemite's favorite color is motherfucker, his favorite animal is the motherfucker, and his hero is John Q. Motherfucker.

Life[edit]

Note how Major Dolemite's camo lets him blend in with his surroundings.

As a younger man, Dolemite was caught in a chemical spill that made him resemble a geeky white kid. Dolemite fought against all odds to get his rhythm back and through corrective surgery, became the big black motherfucker that we all know and love.

Dolemite pimped his first ho in the second grade. Her name was Mary Rottenbush and she was pimped out to Billy Smith in exchange for half a ham sandwich and a Twinkie. Since then, he has singlehandedly pimped out every woman in the western hemisphere, including your mom.

Dolemite served in the army for six months, just long enough to go into Vietnam, bust some caps in those yellow motherfuckers, and bring back some Vietnamese whores to sell to Norway. During his time in the field, Major Dolemite had 63,436 confirmed kills and eighteen water buffalo's. The Vietnamese army discovered with much dismay that not only was Dolemite bulletproof, his afro could absorb and re-direct napalm and his gold tooth could fire lasers. Word quickly spread across Vietnam that Dolemite was the most motherfucking motherfuckest motherfucker who ever fucked a mother, motherfucker.

Presidency[edit]

Dolemite served as president of the United States for only two years. Why? Because Dolemite said so. Plus he was needed to go on a secret mission with O.J. Simpson and Blackula to kill the Ayatollah and free American hostages in Iran. The Dolemite Library will be opened next year in Harlem and he is presently working on his memoirs with Howard Stern as co-writer.

Domestic Policy[edit]

President Dolemite was instrumental in fucking mothers in several communist countries. Additionally, he built the first trans-continental railroad to bring Asian hookers to the United States. Later, he signed the Mutant Registration Act because even though mutants were a bunch of motherfuckers, they weren't as motherfucking as Dolemite.

Consorts and children[edit]

Dolemite has fathered countless illegitimate children over the years.

A bunch of African bitches.

People who Dolemite had sex with[edit]

A complete list of people Dolemite is known to have had sex with is unavailable for download because the text file is 398GB.

Dolemite's Greatest Achievement[edit]

Other than fucking up motherfuckers, Dolemite is best known for smoking Wisconsin and pimping out Chechnya. Not the people of Chechnya, mind you - he pimped the actual country. Johns were just laying face down in the mud as far as the eye could see, humping the dirt and unleashing their love chowder on the rolling Chechnyan meadows.

Quotes[edit]

“I'm the motherfucker of all motherfuckers.”

~ Inaugural address, Jan. 20, 1971

“I will motherfucking motherfuck any motherfucker who motherfucking motherfucks more than this motherfucker!”

~ Dolemite's addition to the Constitution

“Shaft is a bad motherfucker, but I'm a badder motherfuckerer.”

~ First Inaugural Address (January 20th, 1971)

“Some rich honkey said the weed I sold him didn't do anything for him. I said, Nigga please! You gotta smoke that shit, not stick it in yo ass!”

~ State of the Union Address (January 1972)

“I'm gonna fuck me an oompa loompa.”

~ Dolemite on talking to Vice President Dog the Bounty Hunter about his post-presidential plans

“You're next... bitch.”

~ Dolemite on his 1st grade trip to see the Statue of Liberty
  Bad-Asses, Role Models and Rejects
Mr. T Adam West - Anna Nicole Smith - Aunt Jemima - Billy Mays - Blue Beetle - Bob Knight - Bob Saget - Bruce Campbell - Bruce Lee - Burger King - Charles Bronson - Cheese Jesus - Chow Yun-fat - Christopher Walken - Chuck Norris - Clint Eastwood - Count Chocula - Dirty Harry - Dolemite - Dr. Phil - George Carlin - The Green Hornet - Hanson - Jabba the Hutt - Jackie Chan - Jet Li - Joe Camel - Jack Dempsey - James Bevel - Juggernaut - Knight Rider - Kool-Aid Man - MacGyver - Mad Dog - Martin Luther King, Jr. - Michael Biehn - Mike Tyson - Mohandas Gandhi - Mona Lisa - Mr Pelican Shit - Mr. T - Napoleon Dynamite - Notorious B.I.G. - Pedobear - Pillsbury Dough Boy - Qin Shi Huang - Rambo - Red Forman - Rick Astley - Ronald McDonald - Sean Connery - Samuel L. Vacuum - Sarah Palin - Shaft - Scott Aukerman - Sloth - Steven Seagal - Tony Jaa - Trix Rabbit - Uncle Ben - Vanilla Ice - Wesley Snipes - William Hung - Willy Wonka - Wonder Woman - Yogi Bear - Your Mom
 

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