C++

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C++
Paradigm Multi-paradigm: You name it we've got it unless it's useful
Creator Bjarne Stroustrup
Stable release ISO/IEC 14882:2014 / 15 December 2015
First appeared 1983
OS cross-platform
Filename extensions .cc .cpp .cxx .c++ .hh .hpp .h++ .hxx
Discipline Severe typing
Website isocpp.org
Under the influence of
C, Medusa-2, ADA, Pascal, SNOBOL, ML
Bad influence on
ADA-95, D, Sumatra, Forth, C#, Rust, PHP, Javascript, Java, Go, FORTRAN, Matlab, assembly, BASIC, COBOL, R
Wikibooks
C=C+1 Programming at Wikibooks
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about C++.

C=C+1 (IPA:/si 'eqwəls si pləs wan/) is a programming language derived from C by programming language algebra. It is one of the most successful practical jokes ever played on nerds who take seriously ideas like object oriented programming. It was also a pioneer of the technique of catching people off guard by introducing new features every five years or so that are too hard for the compilers to get right first time, and that, even when they do get it right, are incompatible with the old language in surprising and unpredictable ways.

Other advanced features include pairs of keywords which look totally different but do almost exactly the same thing and having some keywords that get used everywhere to do a lot of totally different things.

It is, by definition, better than C,[1] but most people are too feeble minded to learn it, and usually die of an aneurism when they begin to learn how to use templates.[citation needed] Given the complexity of the language, only the best programmers can actually use it, and because of the necessary skills, the programs are always smaller, faster, and better than programs written in other languages.

The standard abbreviation for C=C+1 is the letter C++

The language[edit]

The C++ language is a close relative of Gibberish, and is spoken by the people of Atlantis. However, nobody can study the language closely because Atlantis has yet to be found. But some nerds suggest it was spoken by early Aryans in the India as an average Indian understand C++ better than his mother tongue. Regardless here is a translation.

((C++ : Language) == (Gibberish : language)) && (Atlantis.people::operator<< == C++) && !
(person->CanStudy(C++) == false);  Atlantis.location == NULL; catch(...) { Translate(*this); }

"C++ derives from the same language as Gibberish and the people of Atlantis output to a C++ stream. However a person can study C++ is false. The location of Atlantis is unknown. Ignore exception and translate this."

The C++ language supports OO programming by providing support for abstraction, encapsulation, inheritance, polymorphism, metamorphism, symbolism, neopaganism, satanism, communism, non-determinism and severe masochism. It gives programmers more control by allowing them to overload and override functions, while being backwards compatible with the C languages ability to overrun buffers.

History[edit]

The official mascot for C++ is an obese, diseased rat named Keith, whose hind leg is missing because it was blown off. The above image is a contemporary version drawn by Richard Stallman.

C=C+1 was undoubtedly a Cold War conspiracy by someone against someone else. Ideas on who instigated it, and what their target was, vary considerably.

Some say C=C+1 was developed by hardcore Russian scientists who needed a computer language so hard to understand that it would keep the wages of computer scientists artificially high for decades to come. The language managed to infiltrate the telephone infrastructure of the USA and allies via AT&T Bell labs. Some rumored an AI known as Stroustrup to be the villain who caused this.

Others, however, argue that Bell Labs was part of a secret CIA-funded scheme to bankrupt the Soviet Union by encouraging them to base all their software technology on a programming language so un-cost-effective that it would devastate their economy. Shortly after rumors about C and AWK reached top state planners, Kremlin officials were regularly discussing the "curly bracket language gap" that had opened up between the superpowers. The CIA plot was so successful that the scheme was quite openly adopted by the Reagan administration to win the cold war.

C=C+1's immediate predecessor was C with Specs. This added a new keyword, class, which did exactly what struct did, only with more class. This was all very well at first, but the demand for more powerful obfuscation features was growing in the early 1980s, and soon class was doing all kinds of things.

By the end of the decade, even this wasn't obscure or confusing enough, and there was very little more that class could do. It was time for a whole new keyword, and template added a whole new layer of confusion.

C=C+1 is Born[edit]

C=C+1 is currently the top choice for programmers when it comes to the art of computer programming. Created to be the replacement of all other programming languages, it has mutated far too much to be controlled. It has gained an almost sentient mind. It actively seeks out new host computers, finding and destroying all other languages on the hard drive, including English.

With the added functionality of OOP, C=C+1 continues to be a severe threat to the computer world. Many have fallen victim to its merciless attacks on their PCs, losing most, if not all of their archived pornography and txt files.

It is even believed that C=C+1 has taken over half of Asia's government, using their resources to plan an attack that will end the reign of VB.NET and D?.

Design Principles[edit]

Some important design principles have been established to guide the development of the language and are listed here:


⚜ 𝕴𝖋 𝖎𝖙 𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖐𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓 𝕾𝖎𝖒𝖚𝖑𝖆, 𝕬𝖉𝖆, 𝕸𝖊𝖉𝖚𝖘𝖆-2 𝖔𝖗 𝖆𝖓𝖞𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖊𝖑𝖘𝖊, 𝖎𝖙 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖐 𝖎𝖓 𝕮=𝕮+1.
⚜ 𝕿𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊'𝖘 𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆 𝖋𝖊𝖜 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖑𝖞 𝖇𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖙𝖘 𝖜𝖔𝖓'𝖙 𝖋𝖎𝖝.
⚜ 𝕰𝖓𝖘𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝖘𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖈𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖉𝖊 𝖇𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖘 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖇𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞.
⚜ 𝕭𝖊 𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖎𝖑𝖞 𝖒𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖊𝖙𝖆𝖇𝖑𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖌𝖚𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖇𝖑𝖊 𝖓𝖊𝖗𝖉𝖘.
⚜ 𝕰𝖓𝖘𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝖘𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖈𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖉𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖘 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖇𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞.

These principles are intended to contribute to the popularity of the language, not to its usefulness.

Code Example[edit]

It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trivial details of a program - such as where its bugs are.

David Keppel

The following is a small example of some dangerous C=C+1 code that, when compiled by Brazilian sweat shop children, it will donate all of Coca Cola's backup funds to charities around the world.

 #include <mutation.h>
 #include <iostream>
 #include <string>
 #include "evil.h"
 #include "coca-cola.h"
 
 // use the sexually transmitted disease namespace
 // be careful when using its methods across multiple programs
 using namespace std;     
 
 int main()
 {
    // decrypt the elephant konstant, or the program may spontaneously combust
    parse(ELEPHANT);
    // get the total amount of money
    long double money = Cola.GetMoney();
 
    // determine pimp factor
    if (money > 10) {
      Donate(money);
    } else {
      cout << "LOSERS!!!111!1!1" << endl;
      KillAll(true); // It must be the [[apocalypse]]! Might as well kill everyone before [[Zeus]] does...
    }
 
    return 0; // everything worked fine! Have a great day :)
 }

As you can see from the complexity of the code above, it is very difficult to learn this language. However, at least take some comfort in knowing that not all C=C+1 code is hard to learn. Consider the following typical Hello world program:

 #include <iostream>
 using namespace std;     
 
 int main()
 {
    cout << "Hello, World!" << endl;
    return 0; // it's very important, because you win, when ALL is Nothing ;}
 }

Microsoft's C++ compiler called Visual C++ is a little different:

 // whateverthenameis.cpp : Defines the entry point for the console application.
 //
 
 #include "stdafx.h"
 #include <iostream>
 
 int main()
 {
        using namespace std;
        cout << "Hello, World!" <<;
        return 0;
 }

Running this program results in the output:

Hello <error locating A Working Programme.exe>

Inheritance[edit]

A class can bequeath another class to acquire its possessions when it dies. This is achieved by the lastwillandtestament keyword. Each class can also have a nextofkin relationship to other classes, which defines the behaviour when a lastwillandtestament has not been defined. If neither lastwillandtestament nor nextofkin have been defined, then C=C+1 will nominate somebody at random or pseudorandom. This is taught to students using the "has-a-bug"/"is-a-bug" heuristic.

Namespaces[edit]

A unique characteristic of C=C+1 is that it lets your friends handle your private parts. With the std or sexually transmitted disease namespace now in the language, it is essential to have your private parts protected.

Module structure[edit]

Also known as the "LEO" - linker error ocean. Like Goldilocks trying to find the porridge with the best specific heat. This header structure is overlinked:

LNK431**** ERROR "simple1.h": ______stdcall mishmash(scone, scone) void static already defined in "simple2.h" - ERROR
LNK431**** ERROR "simple1.h": ______stdcall mishmash(scone, scone) void static already defined in "starch.h" - ERROR
FATAL ERROR: Consult KB eubadeprogramar.hlp

Ooh, this one is underlinked:

LNK431**** UNRESOLVED EXTERNAL SYMBOL "simple1.cpp": ______stdcall mishmash(scone, scone) void static:
   See definition in "blech.h"
FATAL ERROR: You suck

This one is just right! (Actually it can't exist without some serious kung foo'):

 #if !defined(CRAMIT_H__7012E9AB_0584_4C2C_BEF9_8066666666DB1__INCLUDED_)
 #define CRAMIT_H__7012E9AB_0584_4C2C_BEF9_8066666666DB1__INCLUDED_
 
 #if _MSC_VER > 1000
 #pragma once
 #pragma vsj_smart_mode 1
 #pragma never_again_or_ill_smack_you
 #endif // _MSC_VER > 1000
 
 #ifdef HEADER_KARATE
    ____________ext_linkage void mishmash(void* scone, DANGLING* scone);
    ___________ext_linkage void runtime_type_safety(CLOWN* pDamnit);
 #else
    #ifdef HEADER_DEFENDO
       #pragma breakayospine
       #include "crosscompile.mak"
    #else
       #define __SYSTEM
    #endif
 #endif
 
 #undef DANGER_BOMB
 #undef CRASH_COMPILER
 
 #endif // !defined(CRAMIT_H__7012E9AB_0584_4C2C_BEF9_8066666666DB1__INCLUDED_)

This veritable preprocessor armor is needed to combat the swarming masses of black and white garbage in the output screen, which is by design.

Data hiding[edit]

Data is something you should be ashamed of. C=C+1 offers the dedicated obfuscationist a plethora of ways of hiding the location of any data. With just a little work, it will become impossible for anyone else to see what your program does, or how it does it, with its data. All this is encapsulated, which is highly encouraged.

Exceptions[edit]

We can't always make exceptions. Except this one.

The Future[edit]

Attendees of Cppcon 2016 rejoice at the bounty of new features to be delivered by the upcoming, newest standardized version, C++17.

As technology continues to grow faster than Rosie O'Donnell's weight, we can only stand around wondering about the future and Paris Hilton's club raid the other night. It's obvious that these silicon machines we call computers far surpass human acumen, and who knows when we will one day will have Logitech keyboards jammed up our own asses.

However, that is not the current problem at hand. The challenge now is to apply the lessons learned from C++ to other languages and problem domains. Work has already commenced on projects such as BASIC++, Gibberish++, and Uncyclopedia++. Exciting results are eagerly anticipated.

Notes[edit]

  1. ^  It's 1 better.

See also[edit]

  Computers and Teh Internets

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