Art's True Meanings

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WARNING: This page contains actual history jokes. Please go learn your history if you want to get the jokes.

“All art is quite useless.”

– Oscar Wilde on Art

Art has remained a mystery to people for generations of generations. People usually get high and start painting and then it goes down in history as some great work of 'Art'. Yet there are some that have meaning and some of the high paintings have some subconscious meaning. All of the art that has and will have been created has some sort of meaning. Most people tend to think of the meanings as some sort of deep and emotional part of the artist's life that was expressed in a painting. This page was created to expose the truth behind the painting.

Editor's Note

Hi, this is Jaxpool, one of the creators of this page. I currently don't have the time nor patience to make this page in the way I envisioned it. The plan I wanted to use to make this is a series of paintings with false meanings, but with some accuracy. Because of the fact that I can't do all the paintings alone, I ask that people who view this page do their own research to either make their own meaning to a painting, or to add on to another. Please feel free to add your name/nickname to the bottom of each level you created or added on to. Thanks for the cooperation. (Also follow the same type of template below.) (Also also if you use one of the suggestions, take it off the list. If you find more that you won't do, take put it one the list.)

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FINE! HERE IT IS!: American Gothic, Van Gogh self portrait,Christ of the Redeemer, The Little Mermaid

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (because it is Raphael and Donatello, and we need more ninja turtles): Transfiguration, The Triumph of Galatea, The Sacrifice of Isaac, The Legend of the Homophobes

Mona Lisa

Lisa taking a smoke break.

The Mona Lisa was first created when Jack and Rose were on the titanic. In the movie, the Titanic, Rose asked Jack to paint her "like one of his french women." The painting became a huge hit.

This was when the actor that played Jack, Leonardo DiCaprio, decided to make the painting himself. He wasn't a great artist so he went back in time to get his ancestor, Leonardo Da Vinci, to make the painting.

Da Vinci decided to paint a woman that he had met named Lisa Del Genocide.

This woman was an avid smoker that wasn't very patient. Halfway through the painting Lisa decided she needed a smoke break. This confused Di Vinci and made him accidentally paint Lisa while she was smoking.

The meaning of this painting is obviously smoke while painting, it makes your painting super popular and you get rich.


-Jaxpool

The Crossing of the Deleware

About as real as the Moon.

This piece was painted by Emanuel Gottlieb Leutze, a German American artist, in 1851 to commemorate George Washington crossing the Delaware during the night of December 31-32 1776. Now, while everyone else thinks this actually happened, But I know better.

My male-female trans asexual Obama-kin yoga instructor told us one day how all of this never happened. What really happened was the wolf, eagle, and buffalo-kin Chinese, which colonized America 1 million years ago had helped them defeat the British. After then America became an independent country. As a gift they vaccinated and gave guns to the Chinese, which killed them all and America took over the continent.

The true meaning of this art piece is that you should follow my Tumblr, and never vaccinate your kids.

-IHaveChortles,"Strong Independent Womyn"

Dark Starry Knight

Made by Van Gogh, inspired by Bruce Wayne

This infamous painting made by Dutch Impressionist Vincent Van Go-Go-Power-Rangers, better known as Van Gogh, was made as he visited the world-renowned city of Rome. Van Gogh was considered mentally ill, and he and his fellow insane cellmate Bruce Wayne had been out in the streets and highly intoxicated when Wayne asked Van Gogh to paint Wayne wearing a dark navy speedo and Halloween mask while standing on a building. Later, when he was sober, Van Gogh added a couple of extra touches, such as a weird looking sign called the "Black Ass Bat" symbol.

A year later, in July of 1890, Van Gogh committed suicide by watching a full 6 consecutive seasons of the later run series Full House. His friend Bruce Wayne mysteriously disappeared, leaving a note informing Van Gogh of his departure to Gotham, Canada. However, Dark Starry Knight was later found by Alfred Thaddeus Crane Pennyworth, who, coincidentally, looks exactly like and has the same name as the actor who plays Batman's butler in the DC Batman motion pictures. Better known as Alfred, Pennyworth sent the painting to the New York Museum of Modern Art, where it can be viewed today.

Bruce Wayne is now a famous actor in Gotham, Canada. Any resemblance between Wayne and the DC Batman movies are purely coincidental. Van Gogh's grave inscripts: "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me", clearly a reference to the correlation between his highly drunken state while throwing paint cartons at the board and his epic accidental representation of a 5 year old Kindergarten student attempting to draw Batman standing on a hill in a night where stars are portrayed as fully visible and having 6 sides (which is scientifically correct, according to scientists, astronomists, toddlers, and President Donald Trump).


-d4nny phantom

The Creation Of Adam

Famous painting made by a ninja turtle.

The Drive-through Window, a more common version of the Creation of Adam.

This painting was made by the ADHD ninja turtle, Michelangelo. This painting was the cover of volume 1 on a series of graphic novels called The Bibble. Volume 1, also known as Geniuses, was a big hit. A group of fans surfaced from it calling themselves the 'Christians'. Years later a spin-off franchise was created called The Book Of Mourning, which started a new group of fans called the 'Mormons'.

Michelangelo was hired to make a graphic novel cover poster to be hanged on the Poope's tomb. He was also supposed to make a bunch of promotional statues but he kept on getting interrupted by neanderthals. He was originally supposed to do the art for a graphic novel called The Twelve Apostles (A knock-off version of the Magnificent Seven and Seven Samurai), but Mikey thought that it was too easy. He urged the new Pope to assign him to a more difficult task, the Genealogy of Christ.

Michelangelo created all of the panels having to do with Genealogy of Christ graphic novel. This was the first graphic novel to be made on a ceiling, something only very few people have dared to do. It was apparently very big and took up almost 500 square meters of the ceiling. The picture in the very front of the graphic novel, nicknamed the 'Creation Of Adam', was later used to be put in the cover of Geniuses.

Later versions of the painting have come and gone but one of the most popular versions is 'The Drive-through Window'.

-Jaxpool

The Son of Jhina

Self portrait made by Donald J. Trump

This painting made by surrealist Donald J. Trump following his victory over Hillary Clinton in the fall Presidential Election of 2016. Trump created it in January of 2017, while he was busy golfing, spending time at his condo instead of attending presidential duties, tweeting, and spending time with his boyfriend, Vladimir Putin.

At one time Mr. Trump was coming back from paying off the FOX News headquarters when he was extremely intoxicated from heavy digestion of Vodka with fellow president of Russia (and husband) Vladimir Putin. When he returned to the White House, he photoshopped a picture of the Twitter logo over a picture of his face, and proclaimed it art, despite his wife Melania saying that it was copyright. "THIS WAS MADE IN JHINA" he was heard to be saying as he created it.

On his Twitter, Trump denied all accusations of copyright from Twitter, Inc, and also citizens saying that he copyrighted the original "Son of Man" by René Magritte. He took to Twitter, saying that "I'm the President of the Confederate States of America and I can do whatever the **** I want." After creating the photoshopped image, several lawsuits were filed against Mr. Trump for copyright infringement, but upon court hearing the President showed up half drunk and half naked yelling obscenities, thus forcing the Judge to regurgitate, and the case was never finished.

This painting is the most recent example of Surrealism, a movement in which painters believe in "irrational juxtaposition", another term for "bull****" (you fill in the blank). President Trump is an enormous believer in Surrealism, a leader in "fake news" of the early 21st Century. Surrealism paintings, despite the fact that they are controversial, can sell for up to 18 million Canadian dollars (about $1.27 in U.S. dollars).

This painting can be viewed in the Smithsonian Museum of Idiocracy, Donald Trump's private museum.

-d4nny phantom

The Scream

Edvard Munch, a horror movie hater, who just saw scream for the first time.

The Scream, known as Der Schrei der Natur, is a painting made by some Norwegian artist named Edvard Munch. This dude got so famous that he got his own museum made for him. He apparently created four versions of the painting that are each spread out through various museums. Nobody knows what will happen if you get all four versions together. Most people think that nothing will happen. But everyone that tries to find and steal all four paintings never return. Probably because it's illegal to steal, but who knows?

Edvard tries to give lots of fake inspirations but the real way he got his idea to make the painting was when he saw The Scream. When he first saw the movie, Munch thought it was a movie about some weird 90s superhero story that was no story and all action. After viewing the movie he started to realize that it was actually a movie about a deranged killer that could mimic people's voices. He, of course, had nightmares for weeks. After coming to terms with the fact that he was a wuss, he started painting.

After the painting was done, it became a major hit. People started calling it the 'New Mona Lisa', obviously not knowing they were comparing it to an addicted smoker. But like all good things, people be stealing'.

The Theivers

In 1994 Two Broke Men decided it would be a grand idea to steal one version of the Scream. They also decided that it would be perfect if they stole it at the time of the Olympics. Truly, the human race is a beauty.

They broke into the National Gallery in Olso and, after stealing the painting, left a note like the true master baiters they were. The note read "Thanks for the poor security."

The Gallery, also being really smart, decided that they wouldn't pay the ransom. So the police started looking for them with the help of the Btits police. The thieves were found, painting unharmed, and criminals convicted.

The thieves were, however, released due to the fact that the British police entered the country with fake I.D.s because their moms told them not to use their real names on Minecraft.

Of course there was another theft in 2004, but that was basically a game of 'Lost Puppy.' Museum lost painting, can't find painting, set up reward for painting, eventually find painting but it has mental scars and is never the same until the day it dies and you have to get a new puppy that you don't love as much but you don't want to admit it.

What? You never lost a dog and it ended up like that?

Well uh neither did I...

Yeah...

Totally not...

Help me.

-Jaxpool


The Last Supper

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Another painting created by a ninja turtle. This one, however, was made by the responsible one; you know him as the blue nibba. Now what you don't know is that nibba got the ability to travel in time. He traveled to like them 1500s and he done did murder on the nibba he was based off of. He took his place but luckily no one knew the difference between a green boi and a white boi. We have proof of the green nibba time traveling because it was the Christmas Special from 1998. It was called "sapnU puaS" and was the Christmas Special of that century and this one.God, what would we do without amazing Christmas specials. You know, like that Star Wars one. Anyway, back why you should use birth control pills.... JK LOL we talkin bout historical events that transpired because of a time traveling turtle who did so in a Christmas Special. If you don't believe me you're wrong! LMAO I got you I ain't one of them aggressive Christian nibbaa who be trying to convert them other religion nibbas. This painting was originally based off of Leo's favorite food and drink combination; GoGurts and GoGoSqueeze. And now you know how closely related the Emancipation Proclamation is to the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks conducted by Bill Cosbo.


-YvngMeowMeow

Napoleon Bonaparte Portrait

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769–1821) was Emperor of France from 1804 until 1814. In 1814, Napoleon campaigned for his friend, Pedro to be his successor. His most famous contribution to Pedro's campaign was this famous portrait by Jacques-Louis David. It has been speculated that Napoleon was reaching for his Sony Walkman. "It's none of your business," he said at the time, "Gosh!"

Pedro was defeated in the election (and was executed for treason in 1816). Napoloeon's successor would ultimately be King Louis XVIII.


-PF4Eva

No. 5, 1948

Different levels of piss on a canvas

No. 5, 1948 is a Impressionistic painting by famous painter Firebear Pollock in 1948 (obviously). It was created when Pollock was experimenting one day with different color excrement. He was ingesting different types of radioactive foods, known as spam which later caused a change in color of his urination.

That day, while Pollock was out smoking pot and presumably getting high on other alcoholic drugs, he came home around 1 am and started urinating over the 4 by 8 inch canvas on the floor. Because of the different colored radioactive spam that he had ingested earlier in the day, he ended up creating a masterpiece of colors onto the canvas. Before passing out on the floor, Pollock regurgitated all over the canvas.

This painting, although created entirely on accident, was proclaimed by some dumbass as a single-handed masterpiece, completely transforming the expectations of the art world (somehow, the expectations managed to get lower). It was sold at an auction for 974 quintillion canadian dollars, which is about 4.92 USD. Pollock later died due to unknown causes, but he was suspected to have died from the absolute fire created by his Youtube channel that burned his house down in 1948.

The causes of the fire can be seen here.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRYDFoEPc3-YBbZVq5hMFMQ

-d4nny phantom

Michelangelo's David

Michelangelo David Letterman.png

Michelangelo long wanted to create a work of art based on legendary late night talk show host Johnny Carson. When Carson politely refused, the Renaissance artist had to settle for another beloved late night titan, David Letterman, who happily agreed, so long as he could pose naked. Michelangelo couldn't keep a straight face as he sculpted Letterman stark naked, holding up a talk show cue card and cracking jokes with bandleader Paul Shaffer. The sculpture was created in 1501 and completed in 1504.

In 1561, Michelangelo began work on an accompanying stature of Shaffer; he died in 1563 before the sculpture was completed.

-PF4Eva

The Thunker

The Thunker depicting a sad frog rethinking all his life decisions.

The Thunker was a character created for the movie The Bill Gates of Hell in 1800, but then received its own movie in 1904. The 1800 movie was directed by Styria Spielberg, Steven Spielberg's ancestor, but the Thunker costume design was made by Auguste Rodin. The movie didn't do that well, hence the fact that not many people knew who the Thunker was. In both movies that he appeared in, Thunker was played by the ever so popular actor, Kermit the Frog.

The movie first called him 'The Poet' but later changed the name due to the fact that poets were everywhere and they thought that it would be too stereotypical. Some people think the character was based on some dude named Dante and his Divine Comedy, but since he is naked throughout the movie, people believe otherwise.

Kermit did have many roles and was being considered a great actor and his role as the Thunker went unnoticed. This was a monumental moment for Kermit's career, his first nude role. Kermit was later cast again to play the The Thunker in his own solo movie. It was a big budget movie directed by Rodin himself. It was also a major success.

Because of the success, there were several spinoff titles. One of the spinoffs was a Spanish movie called Il Penseroso, starring Kermit la Rana.

Two years later Thunker was featured in another movie, intending to be the sequel to The Bill Gates of Hell, called Panthéon. The last known sighting of Thunker was in a movie showing Rodin's greatest works of theatrical art called the Hôtel Biron.


-Jaxpool

Ancient Egypt

Sphynx Floyd.png

The Ancient Egyptians created many great works of art. The two most famous being:

The Sphynx

Many have wondered what became of the Sphynx's nose. This magnum opus is based on the legendary tale of when Egyptian gods Greg, Peter and Bobby played a game of football in the backyard and accidentally hit goddess Marcia in the nose, breaking it before her date with Charlie.

The Great Pyramid of Giza

Mankind was pondered the meaning of the Great Pyramid for thousands of years. Its true meaning would not be revealed until at least the 1970s. The sculptor was tasked with creating a monument that could refract light and produce a strong, hypnotic electric guitar tone.

These attributes (and the shape of the Pyramid itself) would inspire one of the all-time greatest albums by one of the all time greatest bands.

-PF4Eva

Easter Island / The Division Bell

Division Bell Beavis Butthead.png

The Easter Island heads have fascinated mankind for centuries. Turns out, not every civilization's leaders were the brightest minds. Easter Island used to be ruled by demagogues Beavis and Butthead, who had IQs or approximately 75. The duo came into power under suspicious circumstances in the most controversial and divisive election in ancient history. A special counsel, Mooler, has appointed to investigate this election. However, Beavis and Butthead had him executed, and the entire civilization died out due to the duo's stupidity.

-PF4Eva

Symphony No. 5

One of the most famous musical compositions ever written, many people assume Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is a song about fate or death. Many people are wrong. Beethoven just wanted to show off his musical skills. Sadly he was going deaf, so he added the famous "da-da-da duuuum" part to give the song something loud enough for him to hear. The song inspired generations of decibel-busting music such as rock, metal, and hip hop with big-ass bass.

-PF4Eva

Rosetta Stone

The Rosetta stone found in Memphis. The Rosetta Stone, the world's first version of Google Translate, was first found in Memphis, Tennessee. It was made under orders from King Ptolemy V and helped the world decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics. The top of the stone is in hieroglyphics and the bottom is in Greek.

On the other sides there are 104 other languages, some of them not even discovered at that time:

Afrikaans, Albanian, Amharic, Arabic, Armenian, Azerbaijani, Basque, Belarusian, Bengali, Bosnian, Bulgarian, Burmese, Catalan, Cebuano, Chichewa, Chinese, Corsican, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dutch, English (American), Esperanto, Estonian, Filipino, Finnish, French, Frisian, Galician, Georgian, German, Greek, Gujarati, Haitian Creole, Hausa, Hawaiian, Hebrew, Hindi, Hmong, Hungarian, Icelandic, Igbo, Indonesian, Irish, Italian, Japanese, Javanese, Kannada, Kazakh, Khmer, Korean, Kurdish (Kurmanji), Kyrgyz, Lao, Latin, Latvian, Lithuanian, Luxembourgish, Macedonian, Malagase, Malay, Malayalam, Maltese, Maori, Marathi, Mongolian, Nepali, Norwegian (Bokmål), Pashto, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Punjabi, Romanian, Russian, Samoan, Scots Gaelic, Serbian,Sesotho, Shona,Sindhi,Sinhala,Slovak,Slovenian,Somali,Spanish,Sundanese,Swahili,Swedish,Tahitian,Tajik,Tamil,Telugu,Thai,Turkish,Ukrainian,Urdu,Uzbek,Vietnamese,Welsh,Xhosa,Yiddish,Yoruba,Zulu.

The stone was eventually found near the Nile Delta by some French dude named Pierre-François Bouchard. Napoleon (see above) used this for display. Of course the British were angry at all of this so they decided to claim that they found the stone. They even went so far as to make some folklore based on the stone. The Sword in The Rosetta Stone is an obvious example of their folklore.

More wars broke out between the French and British armies because of kopy-left claims. The stone can still be found in France but is no longer unique due to the fact that someone found two different decrees that are both very similar to each other.


-Jaxpool

Donald Trump's Great Wall of Jhina

not created yet. be patient kiddos

Stanley Kubrick

Stanley Kubrick's films are high art, no matter how old you are or what anyone says. Let's dissect some of his most artistic films.

2001: A Space Odyssey

2001 Monolith Spongebob.png

We still don't quite understand what the fuck happened at the end of the film. Did Dave die? But never mind that mystery. We can at least solve the enigma that is the Monolith, worshipped by the apes during the Dawn of Man segment, and appearing in other scenes as some sort of fancy symbol. Hell, even HAL was a Monolith.

Take another look at the Monolith. Does it look familiar? Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! If nautical nonsense be something you wish, you might know what I'm talking about. The Monolith is none other that SpongeBob SquarePants. Remarkably, Kubrick (who died in 1999) correctly predicted that SpongeBob would become a cultural icon by the year 2001.

-PF4Eva

Spartacus

Spartacus-2.jpg

While not a "Kubrick film" in the traditional sense, the dude still directed it. Why did they want Spartacus executed in the first place? Blame a case of flatulence.

Since farts were forbidden from cinema at the time (stupid Hays Code!), the film was released in 1960 without the offending sound effect. However, a Director's Cut in 1992 restored the film to its full (and flatulent) glory.

-PF4Eva

The Shining

All work and no play.jpg

Based on Stephen King's classic novel, and considered one of Kubrick's greatest cinematic achievements (except by King himself), the moral of The Shining is that All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and that when Jack finally cracks, he'll redrum somebody. Oh, and he's a big fan of Johnny Carson. Don't ask me about those twins, or the elevator blood. Or Lloyd the bartender. Or why Jack appeared front and center in that old 1921 photo. Or any of the other weird shit that happened.

-PF4Eva

Citizen Kane

CitizenKaneClap.gif

It might look like a movie about a man who rises to power as a newspaper publisher and political force, only to die alone, longing for the simpler times of his youth. But really, the film is obsessed with one thing and one thing only... Rosebud. Turns out, SPOILER ALERT, Rosebud is just his sled. Who the hell cares about a fucking sled? Next.

-PF4Eva

The Statue of Fast

T-Posing until the end of time.

The Statue of fast was gifted to America from Japan after their defeat in Godzilla vs. King Kong. Japan felt pity for the dumb, fat Americans so they gifted them with their favorite Japanese cartoon character, Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic is of great importance in the United States. He's fast, blue, fast, radical, fast, and most importantly... fast. He has partaken in many adventures going at break necking speeds of 23.4 Kilometers/Hour.

He has also been featured in many games such as Sonic Goes Fast, Sonic Goes Faster, Sonic Goes Really Fast in 3D, Sonic Goes Slightly Slower Back in 2D, and the bad one. Sonic fights against Dr.Slower, but his real name is Dr.Not-That-Slow. His best friends are Fast-In-The-Air, Fast-Hunter-Meme-Guy, and The Edgy Fast. Sonic is really a great character but no one knows why they made a statue of him. They were probably high.


-IHaveChortles, Knee Grow

Like an Assumption of the Virgin

Like an Assumption of the Virgin.png

Madonna figured into many classic works over the years, including Leonardo da Vinci's Madonna on the Rocks, Giuseppe Verdi's Madonna e Mobile, and The Beatles' "Lady Madonna."

This oil-on-wood painting by Andrea Del Sarto is entitled Like an Assumption of the Virgin. It shows the legendary pop artist performing before hundreds of fans sometime in the 1980s, perhaps Madison Square Garden on June 11, 1985.

At the time, Madonna was already one of the biggest stars in entertainment, with seven Top 40 hits under her belt, and her second album reaching Number 1. She was in heavy rotation on MTV. You couldn't escape her, even if you wanted to. And she wasn't even married to Sean Penn yet.

Many classic paintings depicting beautiful women are assumed to be religious in nature, but the reality is, many of them were actually about Madonna. Did you know that Ms. Ciccone was da Vinci's original model for the Mona Lisa, but had to drop out due to scheduling conflicts?

-PF4Eva

Moby Dick

Many people assume Herman Melville's classic novel is about Captain Ahab's quixotic hunt for the titular White Whale. Unfortunately, some people don't understand metaphors. The epic tome is actually about Ahab's struggles with erectile dysfunction. He is in search of white Viagra pills in order to turn his limp member into a Moby... you know.

Musician Moby unsuccessfully sued Melville's estate for libel, afraid that people would assume Moby were suffering from ED. The judge ruled that Moby's real name is Richard Melville Hall and was distantly related to Mr. Melville, and therefore had no case.

-PF4Eva

Transfiguration

Transfiguration Powerpuff Girls.png

Cool, but rude, Red Ninja Turtle Raphael painted this canvas depicting the transfiguration of Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup -- The Powerpuff Girls. The world had never seen anything like them until Professor Utonium poured sugar, spice and everything nice into a large batch and created the perfect little girls.

Before bedtime, they saved the world from such nefarious evildoers as Fuzzy Lumpkins, Mojo Jojo, the Amoeba Brothers, The Rowdy Rough Boys, and a villain so unspeakable one only refers to him as Him.

The legends of the Powerpuff Girls later inspired the animated series of the same name.

-PF4Eva

Seven Samurai

Akira Kurosawa's masterpiece was the first-ever iteration of the Power Rangers, except without Zordon, Alpha, Bulk & Skull, or those cool Zords.

When bandits -- led by Rita Repulsa, Lord Zedd and Goldar -- threaten to return after the harvest, Japanese farmers scramble to recruit seven samurai (actually Ronin) to fight them off.

-PF4Eva

Twin Pics

This timeless work by Mark Frost and David Lynch, created in 1990 and seemingly not yet completed, consists of two identical pictures of the actor Kyle MacLachlan, one of which is pasted in reverse -- to create a whole new picture of Kyle MacLachlan, never existed before. Kyle MacLachlan can now use this picture during Facebook Doppelgänger Week, or he could just use a picture of a cough. Not many know, but before Twin Pics was created, TV was full of shit. Twin Pics was simply your TV coughing. Then, when Northern Exposure was created 3 months later, TV was much less full of shit, and Twin Pics immediately became obsolete. The problem was, no one told that to David Lynch, who has just continued to revive Twin Pics over and over again, by turning the Twin Pics around and around, only to get the same picture all over again.

So Mark Zuckerberg must be David Lynch's doppelgänger, created to make it possible for David to get airtime for Twin Pics. And Facebook is no more than just your PC coughing. Then, when the Uncyclopedia Northern Exposure article will be created, that gum you like is going to come back in style.

I've got good news.
Pissy fucking is what Facebook is at the most.
-Kakun

The Sacrifice of Isaac

Caravaggio painting

Distracted Abraham.png

Caravaggio's Sacrifice of Isaac (C. 1598-1603) -- depicting the Biblical tale of God telling Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, leading Abraham to sacrifice a goat instead -- was one of mankind's earliest internet memes. It was painted on a smaller canvas (and therefore, is in a smaller aspect ratio) than most paintings of the Renaissance era, which normally favored portraits, or wide landscapes not unlike modern blockbusters in 2.35:1 ratio, or 70mm epics in 2.20:1 or 2.76:1 ratio. The painting is a lot closer in scope to a romantic comedy.

The painting's life as a meme started as early as 1603 when it was repurposed into King Henry VIII choosing between two wives. One of the most famous pre-21st Century versions of the painting depicted Benedict Arnold choosing between George Washington and King George III. Later iterations depict a man choosing between two presidential candidates.

The meme survives to this very day, though most people recognize it as the Distracted Boyfriend meme.

Donatello statue

Donatello Sacrifice of Isaac dog filter.png

Caravaggio got his inspiration from the similarly memetic statue, also depicting the Sacrifice of Isaac. However, Purple Ninja Turtle Donatello's stone sculpture uses a different potentially-memetic novelty than Caravaggio's. Donatello amusingly sculpted dog ears and noses onto his artwork, in order to make the subject matter more palatable.

The sculpture's status as a meme took centuries to catch on, and never happened during the artist's lifetime. In fact, so little is known about the sculpture that there isn't even an article on English Wikipedia, only Español.

Donatello's Sacrifice of Isaac's biggest legacy is that it inspired those cute Snapchat filters.

-PF4Eva

The Ralph Lauren Monologues

Though Anonymous's The Ralph Lauren Monologues was considered spam upon initial release in 1887, over the years it has been reevaluated as one of the greatest literary works of all time, second only to The Great Gatsby.

The novel tells the story of a poverty-stricken socialite who must figure out how to purchase clothing from Ralph Lauren for a fraction of the cost. But that's only the surface-level story. It is a cautionary tale about being responsible with one's money, eerily predicting the Stock Market Crash of 1929, and the subsequent Great Depression.

The book is still taught in literature and economics classes to this day and has been in continuous circulation since 1935.

-PF4Eva

Ralph Lauren Monologues.png

The Blue Dog

The Blue Dog wasn't always so blue. In fact, there's a very deep and "interesting" backstory as to why the blue dog got it's color. It all started back in 1976. Famous Painter George Rodrigue attended one of the craziest parties ever. A fine, bred dog just happened to walk through the doors, and would regret it instantly. It was brought to the VIP section where Rodrigue happened to be. Rodrigue and his friends went to work, removing all clothing and splashed the dog and canvas with blue paint. It somehow became a dog, traumatized from what he'd just went through. This picture perfectly depicted why blue dog became so blue. The sadness got to it, and it may never become normal again.

Twenty years later, the painting became the inspiration for Nickelodeon's preschool series, Blue's Clues.

BlueDogwasn'talwayssoblue.jpeg
- S U C C, PF4Eva

Six Dogs Playing Treason

This series of paintings by C.M. Coolidge from 1894 to 1910 consists of an anthropomorphic dog President's staff inside the Oval Office committing various acts of treason. Notice that the portrait of Andrew Jackson remains intact. It serves as a cautionary tale to be careful who you vote for.

Coolidge was initially inspired by his enthusiasm for President Grover Cleveland, who began his second (nonconsecutive) term in 1893; and his dissatisfaction with Benjamin Harrison. Coolidge (no relation to future President Calvin Coolidge) envisioned a world where the most corrupt man in the world committed treason in order to secure the highest office in the United States. He satirically portrayed this American traitor and his staff as dogs.

-PF4Eva
Dogs Playing Treason.png

Generic Doctor's Office Painting

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Henri Matisse's Generic Doctor's Office Painting (1902) is considered one of the greatest and most famous works of the 20th century. It consists of five different flowers and was commissioned by dentist Buck Molar. The painting resides, along with other generic paintings, in Molar's office, which is now a national museum dedicated to generic art.

-PF4Eva

American Gothic

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Painted in 1930, Grant Wood felt that the original painting wasn't gothic enough. So, the next day, he called up the farmer-and-wife models -- his sister and his dentist -- to redo the painting in full goth/emo makeup.

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The white makeup creates the illusion that the couple never spend time in the sun, or at the very least that they're not from California. Wood's sister dyed her hair jet black with purple highlights, while the farmer wore an emo comb-over wig. Wood applied fake blood on the tips of the pitchfork in order to evoke the proper mood.

While the original painting is popular with the conservative crowd, the more gothic version has been favored by goth and emo kids for almost 90 years.

-PF4Eva

True Meaning Of Picasso

WARNING: This section contains some pretty amateur comedy. If you want to kill yourself after reading, join the club.

The true meaning of Picasso's life is to eat his wife's potatoes. Without them, he has no education. How will he live without pepsi man. He did not live. He ran out of potatoes. He went back to sleep and starved.But while he was dead, he painted his toes the color of burger king and grew up without chicken fingers. He reaked havoc on all waman and caused many deaths of potatoes throughout his life. If you never saw his good potatoe, you are a noob. That is okay though because he plays pokemon too. He created the first meme.

-NanI

Picasso's Marilyn

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One of Picasso's most famous paintings was that of Hollywood legend Marilyn Monroe. Instead of showcasing her true beauty, Picasso felt it would be more fun to exaggerate her features using his trademark cubism style. Not really much else to it. Marilyn fared better than Picasso's cubistic painting of a can of Campbell's Soup.

-PF4Eva

Triumph of Galatea

Bunch o' babies with bows and arrows dun shootin' naked women.

On The Shredder's day off, the Villa Farnesina in Rome contacted Raphael about painting a fresco about the sea nymph Galatea from Greek mythology.

The Farnesina was built for the Sienese banker Agostino Chigi, one of the richest men of that age. In fact, he's still richer than Donald Trump could ever dream of being. The Farnese family later acquired and renamed the villa, smaller than the more ostentatious palazzo at the other side of the Tiber. The fresco is a mythological scene of a series embellishing the open gallery of the building, a series never completed which was inspired to the "Stanze per la giostra" of the poet Angelo Poliziano. In Greek mythology, the beautiful Nereid Galatea had fallen in love with the peasant shepherd Acis. Her consort, one-eyed giant Polyphemus, after chancing upon the two lovers together, lobbed an enormous pillar and killed Acis.

Raphael did not paint any of the main events of the story; he had a stomachache from eating too much pizza. He chose the scene of the nymph's apotheosis (Stanze, I, 118–119). Galatea appears surrounded by other sea creatures -- such as SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sebastian the Crab -- whose forms are somewhat inspired by Michelangelo, who was busy eating pizza, whereas the bright colors and decoration are supposed to be inspired by ancient Roman painting. At the left, a Triton (partly man, partly fish) abducts a sea nymph; behind them, another Triton uses a shell as a trumpet. Galatea rides a shell-chariot drawn by two dolphins.

It is said that Galatea rode away on her dolphin to meet Polyphemus in a grove by the ocean shore. There, it is said that her, Polyphemus, and the babies worked diligently to bring Acis back to life. When Acis returned, he turned the reunion into an orgy, Galatea the main attraction. When they all finished, Acis then murdered Polyphemus in the same manner that he was murdered. He lobbed an enormous rock and killed him. This enlightened the babies, and they went out to spread the word. The rest of the citizens that happened to be on the beach celebrated, expanding the orgy throughout the stretch of the beach and into the ocean. It so happened that with the return of Acis, he brought genital and oral herpes. This was spread to the rest of the beach and to Galatea, which made the orgy that much kinkier.

While some have seen in the model for Galatea the image of the courtesan, Imperia, Agostino Chigi's lover and Raphael's near-contemporary, Giorgio Vasari wrote that Raphael did not mean for Galatea to resemble any one human person, but to represent ideal beauty. When asked where he had found a model of such beauty, Raphael reportedly said that he had used "a certain idea" he had formed in his mind. Though, if you squint, she looks kinda like Jennifer Lawrence. Or maybe J-Lo.

-PF4Eva, Basura.Hannah
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