You Are an OPOSSUM

You Are an OPOSSUM

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You probably won't understand this article unless you're familiar with the "A story built" series. To barely pass for the "A story built" series, click here.

You, <insert name here> (???? – ????) were born several years ago and now you are an OPOSSUM.

OPOSSUM OPOSSUM OPOSSUM.

You can whine and bitch, but it won't change anything. You are an OPOSSUM.

You at least want some questions answered?
You'd probably be better off just getting used to keeping quiet, possum boy.

And that also goes for the smart bitch right there that just said "I'm not a boy". You're a retarded marsupial too.

Welcome to OPOSSUMITY

Some Minions approached the portal and paid the price. Do not end up like them.

In your first and final venture into OPOSSUMNESS, you may notice how the weather is perfectly normal. Why are you so surprised? Not all the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your human days are still around. Touching things may feel different. This is because you have paws.

Remember how, before you were an OPOSSUM, you had a human body? Well, this is exactly like that, except without the human body.

Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance. Do not approach it. It is a portal to Ojai.

As for any friends or family you have that don't know you're now an OPOSSUM, please rest assured. Do not worry about communicating to them that you're now part of a hive-minded species that follows an insane king obsessed with moccasins. They'll probably be going out for fajitas, napping, or maybe fishing in the creek or something. I don't know. They may even be mourning you, thinking you're dead, but I wouldn't count on it. Anyway, they're doing fine, all things considered.

Things To Do While an OPOSSUM

You Are an OPOSSUM FAQ

This is what your species is obsessed with.

• Q: I was a good person all of my life to OPOSSUMS. I made every effort to help them. Where do I cash in on this?
• A: Go to the king of the OPOSSUMS. Maybe he'll reward you with some moccasins.

• Q: I was a bad person all of my life to OPOSSUMS. I made every effort to torture them and make their lives miserable. Where do I cash in on this?
• A: You don't, you idiot.

• Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be a human
• A: ...Yes.

• Q: Can I become an Olula?
• A: ...Yes, but do you really want to turn into a rabid monstrosity that shouts, “HIPPITY HOPPITY SHMIPPITY SHMOPPITY PIPPITY POPPITY FLIPPITY FLOPPITY SCRIPPITY SCROPPITY SHMIPPITY SHMOPPITY ZIPPITY ZOPPITY NIPPITY NOPPITY MEGALOCCASIN!” repeatedly?

• Q: How about a Grue?
• A: No.

• Q: Maybe a pine tree?
• A: No!!!

• Q: What about a Squaw Deer?
• A: No!!!!!

• Q: Uncyclopedian?
• A: ...You are. You're looking at Uncyclopedia right now.

Bye

This is your new king. Have fun.