Winchester, New Hampshire
| People's Republic of Winchester | |
| Official languages | Nascarian |
| Motto: | Bring Beer! |
| Flag: | Can't think of one |
| Government: | Alcoholics Anonymous |
| Religion | God pissed on my life |
| Exports | Smokes, Beer, Cheap hookers |
| Imports | Massholes, Leaf Peepers |
| Independence | 1546 (from Massachusetts) |
| Town song | "I Shaved My Legs For This?- Shania Twain" |
| Natural Resources | Wood, Woods, Wood, Beer, Trailers |
| Official Cuisine | Dented Can Soup, Chicken, Momma's special |
Winchester is a town in Cheshire County, New Hampshire, United States. The population was 4,144 at the 2000 census, not including various types of moose, beaver and other wildlife which frequently wanders through the town. The primary settlement in the town, where over 44% of the population resides, is defined by the U.S. Census Bureau as a unsafe for human settlement and is located at the intersection of New Hampshire Routes 10, 119, and 78. The town of Winchester includes the village of Ashuelot and part of Pisgah State Park.
History[edit | edit source]
The history of Winchester begins only a few years ago, when a massive influx of apes escaped a Boston zoo, fled into a chemical pool in southern New Hampshire, and suddenly evolved into semi-human beings. They all eventually claimed the territory in the south-western corner of New Hampshire, and called it Winchester in memory of some guy who talked to them once.
After the first settlement of Winchester was established, God looked down upon it and saw that it was bad. It was so bad, that he decided to flood them all. This is what the Bible refers to as the great flood (though it did not cover the world, it simply drowned Winchester, New Hampshire). He sent down high waters on the townspeople, and the whole of the town was underwater within minutes. Unbeknownst to Him, a few mutated people (herein referred to as "rednecks") escaped the flood by chance. They happened to be in the hills, hunting turkeys and chanting ol' time country songs.
These few remaining people settled in a new area...three miles away near the Trashuelot River, and so populated it with various forms of Rednecks (i.e. White Trash, Trailorpeople, Budweiser's), and to this day, every man and woman in the town can trace their roots back to the original people.
Recreation[edit | edit source]
If you're new to Winchester, or just passing through, here are some fun things to consider!
- Stop by the local convenient store and pick up a pack of the ol' Bud
- Smoke on a corner, and converse with the local Main Streeters
- Hunt for turkey, bears, niggers, whatever you please
- Fish in the Trashuelot River (prizes are given for finding a fish with the most eyes)
- Visit the local VFW for the yearly Cow Plop!
- Take some time to look at the foliage, and then spit at it
Pickle Festival[edit | edit source]
The locals favorite event of the year...the Pickle Festival. At this event, every towny comes out to worship this green object, and to submit their soul to the Pickle God. Lot's of other people come to, including Massholes, who are usually ignored or tied to the back of pickups and dragged down main street.
Those who have seen this strange event claim that the Pickle may even be a religious icon for Winchester. Some say that on midnight of the Pickle Fest day, the locals will dress in all green, build a lifelike Pickle, and throw it in the Trashuelot river as an act of cleansing. Others say, that they're just drunk and have nothing better to do than build a massive pickle and throw it somewhere. Traces of the pickle are seen every year floating down the river towards the city of Keene.
Development[edit | edit source]
The future for Winchester looks bright as a whole slew of businesses are considereing posting stores in the area. These include, but are not limited to
- Porn n' Chicken Restraunt and Moviehouse
- Trailors R' Us
- Our Trailors R' Better
- Trashland (an amusement park)
- Whitey's Adult Entertainment (nazi porn and paraphanelia)
Also in the making is a new park for the children, now free of heroin needles and broken beer bottles!
In The News[edit | edit source]
Winchester has officially left New Hampshire and the United States, forming it's own independent republic. They now wish to be called, The Peoples Republic of Winchester. They are run by a small government that says, "We will not make any laws...this land is now free from the tyranny of rules and rulemakers." Many fear retribution from the state of New Hampshire, but the state has yet to hear about the news. They never really knew Winchester was part of their state to begin with.