William Shatner's School of Acting
~ <insert name here> on WSSA
Endorsed by the Film Actors' Guild, William Shatner's School of Acting, or WSSA, is a fully accredited University located in Marin County, California; known for its lush greenery and outrageous tuition costs.
Sample Class Syllabi
Bob Saget teaches Comedy 101
The following is a transcription from Bob Saget's lecture on Comedic Formula Day:
"Okay, first lesson. You have a lot to learn, class, so listen close..."
(Bob writes X, bitch. = funny on the whiteboard.)
"...Why saying, 'X, bitch.' is funny. Like in that Garden State loser's movie (as he's pointing at Zach Braff, who is sitting in the class, waving in humble acknowledgement) where the dude goes, 'Improv, bitch. Improv.'"
"Because you're a bitch yourself, you go ahead and say X twice, and if you're overacting you give a little nod and lean into it. Extreme sarcasm is construed if you throw in the self-acknowledgement of conveying new and/or pertinent information to the intended listener via expression or gesturing."
"This formula is demonstrated subtly here, watch the clip, morons."
|“||Improv, bitch. Improv.||”|
"Any questions or can I move on?"
Anjelica Houston teaches Drama 101
On the Subtle Drama Day Ms. Houston and Meryl Streep act out a scene from ancient Greece as the goddesses Hera (Çhera) and Aphrodite:
Anjelica: ...Okay, here's an example from archaic times that illustrates the use of language as it pertains to law. Please refer to your reading material, page 114, where it explains the shortening of the word language to law and why this is significant when acting all dramatic and stuff. On the count of three, follow the class prompt. Go!
Meryl: One, Two... Three!
Turn to page 114, quick! This is the book she's referring to.
Humans (Class outloud, together?): We need money!!!
Aphrodite (to Çhera): What is this new word, 'money,' of which they seek?
Çhera (to Aphrodite with a slight sneer at the end): Apparently, they demand 'coinage' as an alternative to barter.
Aphrodite (to Çhera): (laughs) Well, what shall we give them?
Çhera (to Aphrodite): I know, I will drop the Ç from my name, and in 'redemption' I shall give them Law, the shortening of the word language.
Aphrodite (to Humans): Give us a human second, you worthless piddling imbeciles.
Çhera (to Aphrodite): Ooh, brilliant.
Aphrodite (to Çhera): That should give us a decade or so.
(They laugh maniacally for longer than necessary)
Aphrodite (to Çhera, regaining composure): Language to law in exchange for 'money' over bartering? Why change your name? The coinage is valueless.
Çhera (to Aphrodite): Hopefully they will understand that hint in time. The Ç is for the coinage of the double entendré.
Aphrodite (to Çhera with a facepalm): I do remember your lack of moderation in that matter.
Çhera (to Aphrodite): With the Ç, I want you to give them money and thus we will shorten my name to Hera.
Aphrodite (to Çhera): Really? (realization and snicker, [to humans]) Here, you lazy morons, trade these 'coins' then.
Christopher Walken teaches a tapdancing class to earn extra tuition credits.
William Shatner – almost.. never makes just – a cameo. It's.. always – a royal affair.
(Aphrodite throws every student a bag of 'pirate coin chocolates,' aiming at their heads.)
Aphrodite (to Humans): Think fast!
Hera (to Aphrodite, after a pause): No need to be so dramatic about it.
Aphrodite (to Hera): I sure hope the word Lan turns out to be funny.
Hera (to Aphrodite): Or else?
Aphrodite (to Hera): At least the shortening of the proper noun Latin?
Hera (to Aphrodite): And not Lat? What's wrong with Lang? (laughs) It will be funny eventually.
Aphrodite (to Hera): But, to me?
Hera (to Aphrodite, friendly and matter-of-factly): Oh lighten up, bitch.
(Meryl Streep smiles, removes wig[?], does a "Bon Voyage" and exits stage left.)
Gary Oldman teaches Thespianism 101
The following is an excerpt of one of the sacred manuscripts you collect while attending this school. Gary Oldman passes this one out:
This is the Dean's school identification card. She pretty much looks like this all the time.
Meet the Dean, Doris Day
No, this isn't some special day that you meet the Dean, and her name is Doris Shatner or something.
We're talking about Doris Fucking Day here, bitch!