Why?:Get Drunk
What are you doing? Editing Uncyclopedia? Why? Surely you have better things to do? What do you mean you don't? There's a world out there for you! You be doing anything. You could be the ultimate society man! What you need to know, my good chum, is how to get drunk.
Why?[edit | edit source]
Alcohol is one of the most important elements in our society today.
Take a look at me: you might think that the dishevelled cartoon character is a cliché. Well I'm here to tell you that it's not. It is in fact almost 100% truthful... excluding Elmo. Believe me, he's putting it all on 'cos everyone else is doing it.
The fact of the matter is that alcohol is the root of success in today's society. Your modern day everyman knows this and makes sure to properly implement this into his life: but not you. Oh no, you're special, you're eccentric. Hello, outer-space man, I'm your voice of reason for today: you're not different. You're just like everyone else. Which is why alcohol is necessary to blot this pain out.
How do I go about doing this?[edit | edit source]
What you need is a thing called "friends". Call them what you will: mates, chums, buddies, they're important to you in that if you get drunk whilst alone you're certain to be overwhelmed by lonely sorrow. And we don't need that on top of all your other problems!
With these friends, you will undoubtedly be overcome by a wonderful need for spontaneity and machismo. What better way to let it all out than to suppress your innerfelt emotions through drinking beer? With all of your newfound joie de vivre you'll be bound to do some crazy things! Naked waterskiing? Jumping from tall buildings? Getting even more intoxicated? Nothing is beyond you when you're drunker than Pepé le Pew!
Which alcohol is best?[edit | edit source]
The only thing you need for this, after friends, is, of course, your beer. Nothing will get you stinking drunk like beer. Not even a drink made of 100% alcohol mixed with poppers. This is because of a thing called "Sod's law". Sod (real name Sodden Callibogus) was a man known throughout Greek history as a semi-God due to having reached the highest point of alcoholic intemperance, but eventually became a nuisance and a general beer-soaked layabout... which is a good thing.
Sod claimed that:
| “ | Nothing will get you drunk like beer can. Sure, other alcohols will get you even drunker; but nothing gets you quite so characteristically sullied and slovenly. | ” |
Wait, why are you giving me this advice, anyway?[edit | edit source]
Everyone needs alcohol! All you need is to relax, let it all go. Why resist? Especially if you're the president. That's right, Mr. Bush, all you need is a little tipple, just relax, I'll take control of everything...
