Varndean School
| Varndean School | |
|---|---|
 A past student gripped by a high level maths problem from a year 7 textbook | |
| Motto | If you run, we'll get the gun |
| Established | 1337 |
| Head | Capt'n' Albus "Fat Bastard" Dumbledeighan (merely a puppet of the Scottish Parliament) |
| Location | Brighton, England |
| Enrollment | anyone with an IQ below average, as so not to make make the teachers feel too embarrassed |
| Mascot | Jimmy Savile |
“I learn big numbers today!”
Varndean School is a military shooting ground originally built and funded by the British War Office which is generally open to the public for the whole academic year as a resort for those with violent personality disorders wishing to take out their vicious anger on the students who attend the school. Many students are never noticed missing by the few brave teachers working at the school as they are quickly replaced by immigrants arriving from Croydon who have been lured to Brighton with the promise of hundreds of bins to vandalise.
History[edit | edit source]
Varndean was founded in 1884 in central York as an Municipal Secondary School for children who were trained for use as special operatives behind enemy lines during wars. During World War I, the York Place buildings were also taken over for use as an Indian Military Hospital and not returned until 1919. In 1926, the school moved to a new site on the outskirts of Newcastle. It was renamed 'Varndean' School for Girls, after the golf grip which was popular with the fathers of many who attended the school.
During World War II half the school evacuated to Brighton, where the students were trained for D-Day and sent to Omaha Beach. The death rate of the students landing on the beaches of Normandy was 100%, probably due to the poor level of military training the young soldiers received. Having lost all their students, the school was reconstituted in 1952 by drawing in the 1500 lowest achieving students in the british isles.
There were no significant changes until the 1970s, when the combination of the comprehensive movement and the take-over of Brighton by East Sussex County Council saw the introduction of training for tank and anti aircraft weaponry.
In recent years, several building projects have resulted in increased combat training for students. In the original building, several rooms have been converted into karate dojos, and extensions made to house new artry rooms, a weapons suite and extra ammunition for weapons such as the AK47 and M16. A Sports hall and an astro-turf pitch have also been added. The Balfour Building, opened in 1993, houses surveillance and counter surveillance technology. The Friar Building, in use since 2000, accommodates English and Humanities havoc-causing youths. In 2008 a new expanded Library opened in the Ditchling building, it was refurbished in 2013 as the new Reading Room.
Varndean was the first specialist school in the city in Technology in 1998. In 2005 it went on to be designated a high-performing specialist school; in 2006 Varndean obtained its second specialism in spy training, followed by a third specialism in Applied Marksmanship in 2007.
In very recent years the school has "invested" in a military operative virtual infiltratory fallus training center, rumors have spread claiming the workcamp school was awarded the funding to create the complex by the British home office but have been de-bunked and de-publicised by Dumbledeighan himself due to the fact it was actually built using stolen orphan money and on the basis of a strong Mormon belief.
Head's Warning Welcome[edit | edit source]
“It takes a village to raise a child
unless they have no food”
I offer you a very warm welcome to Varndean School (forgive the machine-gun fire) and thank you for taking the time to find out more about us (voluntarily or otherwise).
Varndean School is a place where people matter however we believe that individuality should be beaten out of our student and replaced with the ability to fight and die in Afghanistan the name of more oil british interests in the middle east around the world. Our staff get to know the whole young person and their families, and we pride ourselves in breaking their minds and making them into the best cannon fodder soldiers they can be.
We aim to get the very best out of every student, one way or another. Through planning painful engaging learning, assessment, "extra support" and forceful penetration intervention students know where they are in their learning and how to improve.
Many thanks, Albus Dumbledeighan, Headteacher at Varndean School
The Cap'n's Log[edit | edit source]
Entry 09438, star-date 23:06:14 Today I observed a crew of Space-Chavs, perpendicular to the port bow, participating in a game of Space-Rounders using only a Space-football and two stolen Space-fence posts, i can only imagine how much more successful it may have been if they had also stolen some of the many discarded Varndean Space-golf-grips easily found in the great pacific Varndean Space-detritus pile, Space-computer end Space-recording- Space-Captain-Dumbledeighan out.
Warning: Level 2 Clearance Is Required For Following Text File[edit | edit source]
The following file is required to have at least level 2 clearance, if this is not obtained then we ask you leave the following text file. This document is courtesy of ████ ████████, on the date of 23/06/2014.
Infomation on the riots - Date 23/06/2014 at ██:██. The riots start tomorrow, over 80 human-lifeforms will be attending this at ██:██. The human-lifeforms attending are unrecognized and could be highly hostile, proceed near them with extreme caution. At least level 4 clearance will be needed and the guards proceeding will be class-D hazmat suits.
Infomation on the riots - Date 25/06/2014 at ██:██. The riots two days ago raised awareness, however, did not cause any deaths. There were 3 injuries and a lower case mammal had a heart attack, however, from those recordings, none more were made.
End of entries.