User talk:מה שתגיד/Nail Clippers
Scoring for Happy Monkey 2021 Competition
Ghengis James Junior was a nice idea (adding a Western middle name). Mixing traditional past with modern ideas like "divorce agreement" was a pretty original way to deal with an ordinary object like nail clippers. "advancing to the West" meant literally torturing people in the name of religion was an extremely original sentence.
Great angle with the torture device. Mixing two concepts together well is a great achievement and I never would have thought of Nail Clippers as a Mongolian Horde torture device would work. But it did. I gave you much lower marks in this section because there so little content, but if there was more it definitely would have been higher.
The first image made me laugh (especially the caption: Typical nail clippers).Boiling oil for a refreshment was a hilarious way to end the opening paragraph. bath full of boiling oil, without any prior preparation was funny (turns out the preparation was per-torture). Foot notes were very funny. What was there was very funny but there was only so much funny because there was only so much text so: Five out of ten is a very high mark for a two section stubby article. Total 20/30 For such a super short article, 20 is a very high score. No doubt if you had have finished it you would have gotten the highest score.
Go with the Mongolian Genghis khan concept, its a super great idea and go with the tone minimising the horror of the nail clippers. For example the hot refreshing bath is a great example. I'd recommend having a more graphic description of the crushing of the finger nail in a very technical way. "While one torturer gently ensures the victims finger is properly inserted into the nail clipper, the other agent activates one of the lever which puts a light amount of pressure on the finger. As the pressure builds the end bone of the finger beings to buckle under the restraint and various tendons and skin cells move out of the way so that it can be properly crushed in a neat and organised fashion". Something like that. Also, the father taking him to the nail clipper workplace is a super great idea. Explaining the history of the use of the clipper and how Khan becomes more and more fascinated (or obsessed with it) is a great idea. Why not follow Khan’s life and career through the development of nail clippers? Consider working on the grammar of the article. I don't know if English is your native language or not, if you're having a little difficulty with the world order or tenses (for example: "the nail clippers has been created" should read: "Nail clippers were created" using the simple past instead of the present perfect and there is no need for a definite article) then ask other users to proof read the article. In any case you have a talent for humorous narratives, original and creative concepts and ideas and structuring them in a compelling way which makes the reader want more. Please continue working on this article, it should definitely be finished and featured.
Scores and review from Sarah Baldewijns
Comment: Very good idea to mix a notoriously cruel history figure with an every day item like nail clippers as a torture device. The divorce agreement was funny too.
Comment: This article is basically an improved version of Gale's article. It's still quite short, but the humor is better. This article's narrative where it describes nail clippers as a torture device is quite interesting and, dare I say, funny! The Genghis Khan narrative was also quite funny. My favorite part of this however is the image, which has an iron maiden,
and I love that metal band! which really helps add to the narrative that the article has, and makes it better. My main concern is with how short the article is, but it's still quite good!
Comment: Very good idea. An interpretation of a typical "household good" as a method of torture can't hurt at all!
Comment: The fact that this article seems vastly incomplete definitely damages it quite a bit.
Comment: Even though normally I would say "quality over quantity", the sheer lack of quantity here definitely hurts.
General Comment: If you do finish this article one day, I'm sure it's going to be great. You just need to actually finish the article!
Total Score: 77/120