User:Thefonduchicken12/Touch

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“Touching is good”

~ Nintendo Ds on Masturbation

“Why does Michael Jackson like touching Twenty-eight year olds?.....because theres twenty of them!”

~ Socrates on The nature of Man

“1f y0u c4n r34d th15, y0u r34lly n33d t0 g3t l41d”

~ That Guy on touching

Touching is a very important part of society, and definitely the most important sense. What other senses allow you enjoy sexual experiences as much? But the real issue is when to touch things and what to touch.

When to Touch

The first major issue that beginning touchers face is when is it ok to touch? I know from personal experience that touching your penis on a bus can result in other bus patrons complaining and sometimes getting kicked off the bus. SOmetimes touching other people without permission can get you in trouble as well. Some women, for instance, become angry if you touch their breasts without permission. You can work around this problem of course, but the art of copping a feel is incredibly hard to master. Simply touching any girl you want to will get you kicked in the nuts so much you'll have to check your birth certificate to remember what gender you are. Being sneaky and passing the blame off onto someone else are the true keys to mastering this art.

What can you Touch?

In theory, you can touch pretty much everything, but this comprehensive list was put in to help you idiots:

-food -furniture -love(the kind that needs to be scrubbed out of the sheets) -yourself -your willy -are you touching it right now? -I know I am -OOOOOOH OOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH -Etc.

Basically you can touch everything. Lets just leave it at that.

What cant you Touch

There are a small number of things that you cant really touch. These are things like math, or learning or psychology. But who would wanna touch psychology anyway? Hell I can think of a lot better things to touch, like Boobs. Anyone who would rather touch psychology than any sexual touching is a trisexual and they need serious help.

The touching scale

the touching scale goes from one to ten, one being good touching and ten being bad touching.

1. Sex, with the worlds hottest celebrity 2. Sex with an ugly B-list celebrity 3. Sexual touching with the worlds hottest celebrity 4. Sexual touhcing with an ugly B-list celebrity 5. Sexual touching with a generally ugly person 6. Sex with inanimate objects 7. Sex with an animal 8. Getting punched 9. Getting punched harder 10. Getting beaten-up by a pirate (known to be one of the most painful things ever) 1000. Touching Psychology.

Men's Top Ten Useful Techniques to Succesful Touching

1. Touch with your penis as often as is appropriate 2. Pass the blame for touching onto someone else 3. Consider the possible social stigma that might occur from touching something or someone thats just plain gross 4.Dont piss off pirates (A very important life lesson)

Touching in the media

Touching has been very imoportant in the media, especially in the 1999 drama, The Fourth sense.

Touching in the figurative sense

Touching can mean actually touching thigns with your hadns but it can also hold a much deeper and more meaningful message. For example, you could say that a very intellectual movie has "touched your mind" or that a very sad movie has "touched your heart" or you could say that a porno has "touched me in the genital region."