User:The Pioneer/Mello
“I cannot tell a lie; I honestly thought he was a lady.”
“"Crunch."”
“OMFG! MELLO KUN!!! HE'S SO SMEXY! F*** THAT BITCH TAKADA/TAKANAKA! I"LL PROTECT YOU MELLO!”
“We truly are two of a kind eh Mello? A chocolate craving feminist and an albino with a lack of social skills.”
“Wait... That's a dude... and he... in my... Fuck!”
“...One of history's most famous literary bullshitters.”
Mello (Mihael Keehl) is Death Note's most awesome character; after brilliant detective L and magic albino Near. He happens to be the series’ most ambiguous character as he suffers from a variety of problems; gender confusion, Willy Wonka's disease, inferiority complex, and of course Two-Face complex. Yeah, he has a taste for tight leather and girlish hairstyles, but when you put into consideration the amount of fan girls he has, you tend to look past those problems and appreciate his greatness.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Mello's early life (much like the rest of the weirdos at Wammy's House; Watari's Orphanage in England) remains a great mystery. He was found in front of the gates of Wammy's House with a small bowel in his hands. Watari took the young child in and proceeded to ask the child where he came from. Unfortunately, the young effeminate weirdo had no idea where he was born, who his parents were, or what the hell he did in his early days. However, Mello did mention that several days ago, he had chased a strange, talking, sponge-like creature and his mentally retarded starfish friend all the way to England in a psychotic fashion after they tried to sell him chocolate. He had given up chasing the two underwater idiots and sat out in front of the orphanage wearing nothing, but a sleeveless leather vest and sweatpants hoping someone would take him in. Watari at first felt a little uncomfortable taking Mello in, but once he got over himself and stopped being a complete douche bag, he took him in.
Thanks largely in part to his encounter with the chocolate selling, underwater, retards; Mello developed a strong addiction to chocolate. In fact, the girly haired child was never seen without a bar in his hands. Watari desperately tried to find him Psychiatry and took him to many a rehabilitation centers which included Chocolate Craver's Anonymous, but found no success. Over time, Watari began to suspect that perhaps those two Bikini Bottom fanny bandits were not the ones responsible for scarring the child. In fact, his suspicions led him to a lead of who may be the boy's father may be. Hey, at the very least it would explain that hair of his.
At the orphanage, Mello didn't have many friends. He would constantly kick soccer balls at his fellow inmates orphans, chase people in a psychotic fit whilst screaming "chocolate" at the top of his lungs at the very mention of the word, and use Watari and Roger as paintball practice dummies. He did make two "friends"; the first being Near, an albino child with a massive intellect, an addiction to toys and the arrogance that could very well surpass that of Hulk Hogan, and Matt; a lonely nerd/gamer that never liked to go outside and would stay inside an play video games. Mello would eventually see Near as his rival, but would maintain his friendship with Matt.
Kira Investigation[edit | edit source]
Sometime in 2005, Mello and Near received word from Roger; the head of Wammy's House that both Watari and L Lawliet had been killed by Kira (well, technically it was Rem, but hey I won't waste your time with the details). Near felt no pain from the news and proceeded to call L a loser (which in turn would cause many of the series’ remaining fans that didn't abandon the series after L was killed off to hate him greatly), but Mello took the news harshly. Of course he cut to the chase and demanded who the sweets addicted detective chose as his successor. Roger played the nice guy and said that he hadn't chosen. He suggested the two creeps work together, but because Mello's arrogance knows no bounds, he decided to let the arrogant albino be L's successor and in his jealousy, left the institution. Apparently, Mello felt that at age 15 he could make a living for himself. Of course he wasn't able to and proceeded to become a prostitute. With the money he got he joined the Mafia after being left with no options left. After only a week, he was appointed the leader of the group and began to track Kira's whereabouts.
The mafia kidnapped the Japanese Police force's lead director hoping he would know something, but little did they remember that un-important characters know shit and would be killed off only mere minutes after being introduced. As stated before, the director committed suicide (popular belief was Kira killed him, but his suicide note stated it was Mello's facial expressions that drove him off the edge) and Mello immediately after miraculously guessing that Kira had connections to the police, proceeded to kidnap the assistant director's daughter and Light Yagami's sister, Sayu Yagami. Mello had hoped the Japs wouldn't bargain for the un-important character's life and he would be able to rape her. Of course, being the goody-good that her father was, he traded the Death Note for her life and just like that, Mello had the power of a god; a really fruity god.
Mello spent the next day’s writing all the names of the people that had made jokes about his sexuality. Of course that was until the rettarded shinigami, Sidoh paid him a visit to reclaim the Death Note. However, Mello wasn't having any of it and made the shinigami his slave. Despite the fact he was a god of death, he was too afraid to do anything because Mello's appearance creeped him out.
Several days later, the Japanese Police Force invaded his base after Kira killed all the members in the mafia, in an attempt to reclaim the notebook. Coming face to face with the assistant director; Soichiro Yagami, Mello gave him one of his creepy looks and demanded the heroic leader to give up. Of course, Mr. Yagami had the shinigami eyes (which allow one to see another's name and lifespan) and revealed Mello's true identity to Kira. Needless to say, Mello was pissed off and had one of his Latino comrades gun the director down. The rest of the police force barged in and demanded that Mello give up, but of course he refused and chose to blow his base to rubble. Mello survived the explosion, but suffered a massive scar to the left side of his face (much like Harvey Dent). The scar would proceed to turn Mello from chocolate craving girly man to chocolate craving anti-hero with a scar and his popularity sky rocketed. Also, he got a motorbike.
Post-Scar and death[edit | edit source]
In the days following, Mello performed many various acts of heroism to locate Kira (like stalk multiple people, kidnap a few more, and launch rebellious attacks on Kira worshippers). Two acts worth mentioning where when he had a face to face with Near and proceeded to offer the arrogant albino with a challenge to see who would find Kira first. The scene was quite epic and included fabulous uses of colors, subliminal images of Catholicism, and fan-girl service and when one of Near's female employees, Hal Linder decided to take a shower in front of him. Oh and much to both his and plentiful Death Note fan girls delight, recruited his old Wammy House "friend" Matt to assist him in his investigation. Hilariously, despite the fact he had a pitiful death and hardly did shit, Matt became far more popular in the eyes of many than Mello could ever hope to gain. Don't worry Mello, that goes for Light, L, and Near as well.
In the days that followed, the two Wammy weirdos launched a rebellious plot to kidnap, interrogate, and kill one of Kira's plentiful ass kissers and sex-slave, Kiyomi Takada/Takanaka. (Contrary to popular belief, her name is actually Takanaka, not Takada. It's way more fun to say.) The operation proved to be quite chaotic; Matt was gunned down by her bodyguards, Takada was stripped naked by Mello to see if she was hiding any pieces of the Death Note on her (or to satisfy his new-found love for women), and Mello lost his life after Takada wrote his name on a piece of the Death Note. Following these events, both of the men's respective fan girls proceeded to track down those that were responsible for their weirdo heartthrob's deaths. They were successful in killing Matt's killers, but Miss Takada was killed by the very man she worshiped (aww how poetic). Both Mello and Matt were both given proper burials. Their fan girls all wanted to say some peace, but the pastor in charge of the service went against their wishes as he correctly stated “We all miss them and we love em, but we all have lives to attend to. Especially us Football fans; GO PACKERS!” Mello and Matt’s clothing were collected and posted on EBay were they became a subject of a massive bidding war that continues to this day.
Close of the Kira Case and Last Laugh[edit | edit source]
About a day following Mello’s death, Near had Light and the Japanese Police force meet him and the SPK members at an abandoned warehouse were it was used in the past for several mafia related activities, drug deals, box social events. The egotistical college prick agreed and thus the two teams met at the warehouse.
After Mikami made his appearance and it was revealed that the notebook he had written everybody present at the scene, but Light’s name in and Light was found guilty of being Kira, Near revealed that it was all thanks to Mello that this scenario was possible. That’s right; all the kidnappings, the murders, the abduction and stripping of multiple women, and talks of becoming L’s successor was all part of Mello’s plan to bring down Kira.
Everything that transpired after all was revealed was utterly bat shit insane. Light laughed like an idiot with his eye glowing for no explainable reason and was brutally shot several times by a newly-turned bad-ass and former pain in the ass idiot, Matsuda, and Mikami killed himself after claiming that he heard the Mello finger puppet on Near’s finger continued to talk to him and pelted him with the same over used line of “CHOCOLATE!”. Not long after, Light died a lonely and miserable death after Ryuk wrote his name in the death note. Before he died, it was said that Light not only saw the ghost of L smiling down on him, but the ghost of Mello grinning at him menacingly (oh and eating a chocolate bar of course).
Possible Family[edit | edit source]
Mello’s parents have always been a big discussing matter among not only his fan girls, but Death Note fans in general. However, it is no secret that only two people (both of the opposite sex) hold the distinct possibility of being Mello’s long lost parents.
Willy Wonka: Seriously, did you not see this coming? I mean come on; the similar hairstyles, the strange and compelling characteristics, the girlish looks, and the massive love for chocolate? Come on. Hilariously, Wonka has denied any possibility he is the young man’s real father. Chances are, he is trying his hardest not to be associated with a kid that wears leather (that or he doesn’t want to be associated with the Japanese as they have viciously been trying to steal his secret formula for the chocolate). Of course Mr. Wonka; you aren’t fooling anyone.
Madonna: Only recently having been a distinct suspect for being the mother of Mello, Madonna holds many qualities that link her to Mello. They both have a love for leather, they both have scar exteriors, and both have a knack for pissing off the wrong people **wink, wink**. Of course, if Madonna were Mello’s real mother, that would make him 50% Jewish. Curiously enough, the young man has possessed no interest in collecting pennies nor possessing a massive nose. But it was said that Madonna said she isn't Mello's mother, which she could just be lying, but if her plead is true, then Madonna just has a freakish crush on Mello... whore...
Son: Another part of his family, aside from his parents, is what many think to be his bastard son, Shinji Hirako, who died soon after birth but later appeared as an ex gotei 13 captain. There has been much debate over who mothered this child, though if you mix the cheshire cat with Mello, it does seem suspicious...