User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Black flamingo11

Pee reviews for: Black flamingo11

Article: Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	10/10	I like the concept a lot, that boys are made of only snips, snails and puppy tails, and at the same time denouncing science as wrong. Is there any particular reason why you chode that idea? In any case, once again you've come up with tons of whacky and helarious ideas and pounded them all out on the table, sometimes with some great and funny results and some other times where the mix needs more direction and/or a clearer concept/execution. I like how you keep repeating this concept in different ways, as in the snips section, how you allude to the penis (though I would suggest that you do so without specifically stating "penis" as if you write it creatively enough, the reader will clearly get what you are trying to say, as well as the suggestion that science, if not Law itself bans further examination of that idea. The penis is not made of snips, is also really imaginative, though again, I would suggest that you keep the article in family mode by calling it a: pee pee stick or something of the sort. Consider: "Most little boys think that their pee pee sticks are made out of snips, as that is what seems natural and logical, but the body of a boy is so much more magical and complicated ... a boy's pee pee stick is actually made out of puppy dog tails, which should make you laugh and not cry Billy, stop crying billy ... please". (sorry for getting carried away there with the suggestions BlackFlamingo, but as Ive said before, Ive been in peewriting mode for a while and I get a million times more inspired while I review than when I write my own stuff). In any case, the above is just one example of how you can treat an adult topic in the very childish way in which you begin the article, and I seriously suggest you consider reworking some of the more adult material that way. Smily fingers was a great idea, you should consider extending the idea further. Its gold material. I find the next section very very funny but also the tone of the article has changed. While the introduction is written in a sort of child fantasy form, and snips is sort of inbetween the intelectual tone and the intro, I find myself suddently reading a medical journal. It really is funny, I laughed out loud a couple times, especially with the skin colour paste and millions of snails form bones etc. Do you still think at this point you could maintain this material, and the battle between science and creationism/innocentism without turning the article into a medical journal? for example: So much of your body Billy is made out of snails, you would never believe it. The red juice that you see when you cut yourself ... why its made out of snail juice. And the big coil in your belly that turns food into your smelly poo poo, why, thats just two big rubbery snails. And your skin, is it itchy? Thats because its made of snail paste. Billy, your skins is made of snail paste, and Lakeisha, your skin is made out of turban snails (and so on). Again, ive gotten carried away with the examples, but its something to consider. your references to Salamander is obvious and I like that you linked it. Great idea. The ending of the snails section is really creative and well written in my opinion. Again, don't think Im obsessed with the whole "innocent little boy" theme, but I think that the creativity and material in this paragraph would work wonders if it was presented in a kindergarden style enviroment: "Now Billy, remember how your pee pee stick is made out of puppy dog tails?" Well, when you grow up a little, you'll find that starts to wag a little" (and this could be taken may ways: Now that is something thats shameful, and you should ignore this until... Now that is something natural, and you should never feel bad about it. theres nothing wrong about puppys wagging their tail right? The shaving part made me laugh out loud. I really liked the comparison section. Very clever (though you lost me at the badly drawn porn link). In the criticism section, the first paragraph is witty and I think its a good start at parodying creationsim or whatever it is you are parodying here, though the second paragraph seems a little cheesy to me, though with a bit of clean up or fitting in with a stronger concept, the material could be gold (much like throughout the article).
Originality:	6/10	This was not the article I was expecting to read (who would have expected someone to write a serious medical style article about boys actually being made out of snips and snails. As I was reading this article, it came to my head that this would be a great way to do a parody on either creationists/orthodox people or innocentism (not teaching children the facts of life to protect them) by the narrative of an adult who still is innocent. These are just a couple ideas that come to mind: Adapt the article to a kintergarten style article, with the teacher teaching the boys their anatomy and responding to critical questions where the children are right to question the teacher, but are ultimately satisfied by the teachers remarks. [this has the added bonus of having one of the boys during recess bring a box of snails, cut off puppy tails and snips of his hair, crushed and mixed together into a box, but no newly created boy to everyones horror...or something even crazier than this] Write the article from the point of view of a very naive older man or woman who is convinced (because of religion or whatever) that boys are made of snips and snails and always has an answer for whatever question is thrown at them. Write the article from the point of view of a creationist, who is so threatened by the overwealming evidence of evolution and DNA that they try to write an article claiming that snips and snails are gods building blocks of the human boy, and that they are even more amazing and fantastic and interesting than DNA (but keep it clear that this is the motivation behind writing the article). While I like the concept of the article, I think if there is an underlying motivation behind why the author is writing the article this way, it will add so much more potency to the ideas and potential humour and having a clearer concept will help you write the article with more consistancy.
Cleverness:	8/10	The particular ideas that made me think, what a clever genius BlackFlamingo is sometimes, are ones I mentioned earlier but they have to be repeated in the cleverness section: Even sugar and spice are barely used given that the designers had the option of using breasts and vaginas. It also presents the problem of tail wagging, which excited young boys often find impossible to keep in check. Unfortunately, anthropology is primarily concerned with the study of humans, so they have no idea.
Content and Images:	7/10	The narrative and formating is well done. I like the images you found, very creative pics to put into the article (much like most of your articles). The only thing lacking (in my point of view) is a clearer concept and giving the narrator a motive. Why is he trying to convince people about his absurd ideas?
Points for whatever reason:	7/10	Ten points for a lot of good, creative, original and clever work. It's really great that you delivered on all three of these and ontop of that, spit out an article with very funny moments and a lot of progress, in short time, with a less than simple topic to go with it. I really hope you finish the article and consider using the ideas I've mentioned or coming up with your own stronger concept and reasoning behind the narrators antics.
Final Score:	38/50	I look forward to seeing the final product my dear BlackFlamingo. Come to my talkpage if you aren't pleased enough with the pee review, if you want me to pee all over any particular areas of the article or if you just want a nice golden shower. Thanks for making me laugh and turning out a nice beginning of a great article.
Comments:

Score and Comments from Wilytank

10/10

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel

8/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow

7/10

Made me laugh in spots. The topic sure wasn't easy! :) Mattsnow 18:01, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320

5/10

Score and Comments from Chief

7/10

Being such a fan of so many of your articles I went into this one with high expectations, I come away from it feeling that it was good, but not quite up to the standard of some of your others. Possibly because the topic is not a particularly easy one . There are a couple of moments where jokes didn't work, but at the same time your normal style and humour was visible beneath and at times made this a pleasure to read. A good effort.

Final Score

75/100