I love you brah
Last night I was thinking ...
It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how you cried like a little pussy as she wasted away into an emaciated pile of death. She'd bring us lemonade with a smile hiding her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I deserved her love more than you but, you know, she was your grandma. I think she loved me more than she loved you, but I never said that because that would be an asshole move, and I love you brah, would never be a dick to you.
We were young and awesome (especially me) with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her hospital bed gagging on a tube. The irony is that she lived a selfless life and yet the universe didn't care. She spent her last days are with a tube down her throat unable to breathe. Of course I didn't laugh out loud (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy, especially when you are concerned. So I waited 10 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene watching Grandma rot away in pain. Wasn't it a classic hoot?
But let's stop laughing for a moment ...
Your grandmother meant all to you after your parents died in a mysterious accident shortly after we both met, and so you were preoccupied with paperwork. Meanwhile, I was bored. Your grandma's death was so boring OMG! I sort of visualised a nurse tripping on the breathing tube ripping it out. I swear I had to bury my head into my arms so you couldn't see the smirk on my face. I could just envision the panic in the room, Grandma grasping for air, alarms going off, gasps of horror, more things being knocked over creating a knock on effect as more people tripped over a plug that broke and set the whole hospital on fire. I was actually giggling a little so I pretended to cry so you wouldn't realise I was laughing, because you wouldn't have seen the humour then as you probably do now. I remember your girlfriend came to comfort me and gave me a really long hug. I hugged her back in a sensual way. I sniffed her hair for a few seconds while we embraced, which turned me on. I was so hard I had to get out of the room. I went to the bathroom and I jerked off for five minutes, thinking about your girlfriend doing unspeakable things to me. I spewed all over the bathroom sink and wall and it took me a while to clean that whole mess up. It was a hospital after all and I wanted to be hygienic and not spread my various sexual diseases because I am considerate and super mindful of the negative effect thoughtlessness can have on others.
Especially your beloved gran ...
Remember when your grandmother taught us how to play some stupid Polish card game which was tedious and boring? I secretly loved playing it because I always won and your grandmother would congratulate me with love and affection. She knew that I suffered as an orphan more than you did (as you know my entire family died in a mysterious house fire once I was old enough to understand how matches work). Her tenderness is what made her so awesome and her awesomeness rubbed onto me (more onto me than you I think). Also I knew her praising me made you jealous which made it feel twice as good because sometimes your jealousy was like an energy up for me. Every compliment was a sweet burning feeling in my heart filling up the void of emptiness that your friendship could not completely fill (though I know you tried brah).
Guilt eats away at you ...
I know you've always felt responsible for her death. Even though she was double vaxxed (as were you), you had come down with COVID just before she did and you were certain you gave it to her. After all, it was the day after your stag do that I organised. I told you to stop being a pussy and take off that fucking mask and kiss that stripper despite your protests about loving your fiancé and not breaking her trust and other chump cuck shit you used to say". So I can understand why you agonised over indirectly murdering your grandma. Well, I think enough time has passed that you are emotionally prepared to deal with the truth: I gave your grandmother COVID.
It's time you knew the hilarious truth ...
I spent a week trying to infect your grandmother. I touched every public surface I could and then dipped my fingers into her drinking glass. She still didn't get sick. In the end I just snuck into the COVID ward of a hospital and took swabs of the mouths of COVID patients and then snuck into your grandmother's bedroom while she slept and shoved the swab down her throat. I swear I couldn't help laughing. She choked on the swab but somehow swallowed it without dying (which would have been funny). I peed my pants a little (soaked through my boxers into my jeans) which made me proud as I've never did something so funny I soiled my own briefs. Luckily she came down with COVID and was in the hospital in no time. It was my greatest triumph, you'll soon understand why.
But ... why?
Why did I do it? Besides being bloody hilarious, it was because I had stolen your birthday money when you were twelve. Grandma had given you birthday cash and I stole it while you were sleeping. In fact, I have stolen your expensive family heirloom pocket-watch via an orchestrated burglary. Sorry I accidentally killed your cat in the process (which was a favour for you as the cat was so fucking useless.) I took thousands of dollars of things from you. As I am magnanimous, I knew you deserved to get some of that money back so I gave your grandmother COVID so she'd die and you would get her inheritance. So in reality, I helped you out because she left you a lot more money than the value of the things I stole from you. You don't have to express your appreciation to me right away, but you should eventually.
Anyway ...
Now that it's been 10 years since your grandmother died in the most hilarious farcical way and your wife has come down with a completely unexplained case of finger cancer, I must tell you, even though I haven't been around much over the last decade (sorry for completely ghosting you), I will be there for you now just as I was with your grandmother. I'll be by your side while your wife's finger cancer metastasizes. I will embrace you while you cry and I promise I won't be laughing behind your back or envisioning hilarious scenarios like your wife accidentally frothing at the mouth after getting the wrong medicine. I am your friend after all and I deeply care about you. I have always, always, always had your best interests at heart. I love you brah! While you aren't that awesome, I have enough awesomeness for the two of us and I will always share it with you, because you complete me brah. Seriously, I mean it brah...I love you.
- Your best friend,
- Dude Brah
