User:Shabidoo/Best aristocrat ever
A talent agent was closing shop for the day when a family burst in.
"Sorry I'm closing" he said.
"Not until you've seen our audition" said the father.
"Come tomorrow in the morning"
"By tomorrow you'll have lost the most sensational variety show ever to blow people's faces off".
"Okay...you've got 5 minutes" said the talent agent.
Skit 1[edit | edit source]
The family and their pets rushed to set up. First a pretty little girl in a tutu and her brother wearing a little cowboy outfit carried a throne into the office while the mother played the kazoo. Then a huge Dalmatian jumped up on the throne and the Dalmatian sat while the mother placed a crown on top of its head and the father clothed it in a royal robe. Then their family cat sat before the Dalmatian bowing in respect. The father then started playing a drum-roll: The Dalmatian sat up...turned 180 degrees and then let out an enormous stinking turd which slowly dangled out of its anus. The turd eventually fell off and the whole thing, bigger than the cats head, landed in the cats mouth who immediately swallowed it whole without getting a single speck on its beautiful white fur. The whole family jumped in front of the agent with a "tadah".
The agent looked up at the family. "Meh...that is a little derivative of the Manchester Variety show of 2018".
The family was not fazed.
Skit 2[edit | edit source]
"On to the second skit" said the father.
They then sang an extremely racist and homophobic song about a pair of Mongolian gay lovers who died by giving one another a virulent form of hepatitis C which led to sepsis and both of them dying by haemorrhaging blood out of their eyes. The cute little daughter wearing a pink bow on a pink dress sang a very moving solo in the middle which almost convinced the talent agent to want to cleanse the world of Mongolian and homosexuals, which was surprising as the talent agent was a homosexual Mongolian. After it was over he said: "Somewhat impressive but that is not enough to put on a show".
Skit 3[edit | edit source]
The mother said: time for the finale. The father undid his belt and took out his extremely large and erect black penis (the man was white by the way) and started pulling on it slowly. One by one each member of the family went in front of him and showed off their genitals, arousing the father who slowly started grunting as he stroked his black cock. His wife came behind him and shoved a put plug up his ass and pinched his nipples intensifying his pleasure. He began moaning deeper and louder. Each family member then lined up in front of Mr. Dad and encouraged him to finish like a cheering squad. He began stroking himself furiously moaning like a little school girl as his penis seemed to grow to an impossible size. All of a sudden he screamed out in orgasmic bliss and shot green semen all over his entire family. It was highly corrosive and burnt the skin off of all of his family members who, instead of screaming were moaning themselves with pleasure as they dissolved into the floor. Father took some time to recuperate from the physical and emotional toll of such an orgasm and catch his breath. He then went: "tadah".
The talent agent looked in horror as the remains of his family bubbled on the floor and father tucked his dick into his pants and did his belt up.
"When can you start"? he asked.
"Tomorrow"
"What about the rest of the cast"?
"I have fucked and sired a dozen different families around the country. They are all willing and ready to come do the show".
"What do we call it"?
"What the fuck do you think we call it"? asked the Father showing the initial signs of a diva complex.
"The Aristocrats"?
"Of course the fucking Aristocrats" said the father. "Where is my fucking Perrier"? he asked.