The Golden Compass is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
This script was written in memory of Sir Philip Pullman, aka the guy who's books deliberately messed with the Catholic Church.
In a fictitious realm that doesn't really exist (hence the term "fictitious", you know) human souls are independent talking animals known as Daemons. There's also a golden alethiometer, or compass, or something which tells people the truth. All these things will play a critical role in the following script.
A shady-looking dude sneaks into the college lecture hall and finds a bottle of wine. He quietly uncorks it, mixes it with some powder, and is about to re-cork it when a student walks in.
Student
(sees Shady Dude)
Hey! Did you just put something in that wine bottle?
Shady Dude
Um...I have no idea what you're talking about?
Student
Seriously, dude? I mean there's an open pouch full of powder right beside you, and the bottle's open. So...
Jordan College, one of the most prestigious educational institutes in the world! According to the Magesterium, anyway.
Shady Dude
(takes a piece of paper out and reads from it)
I have no idea how all those things got there.
Student
Oh, good God! Why don't you just-
Shady Dude
(suddenly)
I am on a Government sanctioned mission! You are not allowed in here!
Shady Dude
You are interfering with a top-priority operation! If you-
Student
WHAT? What kind of Government sends in agents to put powdery stuff a bottle of wine?
Suddenly, a Professor walks in.
Professor
What the hell is going on here?
Student
This guy just put something in your bottle of wine.
Shady Dude
Um...the Government told me to?
Professor
By Government, do you mean the Magesterium?
Professor
And you, Lyron. What the hell are you doing in here?
Lyron
Well, Professor Asriel, I heard you were giving a lecture exclusively to the faculty members, so I thought I'd blatantly break the rules and attend it anyway.
Professor Asriel
And you're going to keep arguing with me if I tell you to leave, aren't you?
Lyron
Sharp thinking, Professor!
Asriel
Alright. I can already see I'm in troubled waters, given how a Magesterium agent just tried to poison my bottle of wine. You can attend the lecture, provided you sit in that corner where you'll conveniently stay hidden from everybody else.
Lyron hides in the corner where he'll conveniently stay hidden from everybody else. A few minutes later, a host of college Professors arrive, including the Shady Dude and the College Master.
Asriel
May I have your attention, please?
Shady Dude
Sure, sire! It's not like we have a choice anyway!
College Master
(discreetly)
Look, you screwed up in killing Professor Asriel, alright? Heckling him in a lecture isn't going to serve any purpose.
Shady Dude
I could try...
Now class, who will explain to me why all the Christian Churches suck?
College Master
You will let Professor Asriel finish his lecture in peace! And that is an order!
Asriel
I have recently discovered that all of us people are surrounded by Shady Particles which defy the laws of Physics by swirling around on their own. For convenience sake, I'll call them Dust. As a Physics professor, I am deeply intrigued that any known form of matter could possibly do such a thing, and therefore I must conclude that our knowledge of Physics remains incomplete.
I have also noticed that Dust particles tend to stay away from places with such signs.
Shady Dude
As a Magesterium Official, I hereby dismiss this lecture as a load of heretic
crap!
Some Professor
Seriously, dude? You people can't think outside the box for one second, can you? First you tell us the world just HAS to be a flat circle, then you tell us
Darwin was a demon in disguise...Shady Dude
But he was! Only Demons could make up excrement-ish stories like "Oooh, I saw a giant turtle, therefore evolution is real!"
Some Professor
As an evolutionary biologist, I am deeply sickened by your comments!
Shady Dude
Talk all you want, we'll never allow any funding to your department!
Some Other Professor
Is this what our academic life has become? About blindly conforming to Magesterium dogma, instead of exploring new horizons and knowing more about the world and consequently ourselves?
One of the several films banned by the Magesterium for "heresy". This one in particular was banned because it used the words "faith" and "science" in the same sentence.
College Master
Actually, yes.
Asriel
SILENCE! (everybody quietens down, except for the Shady Dude.)
Shady Dude
You don't tell ME what to do, you pinko-
College Master
Shut up! (Shady Dude shuts up.)
Asriel
Anyway, as I was saying, I fully intend to continue my "heretic" research, but for that I'll need funding from this College so that I can go on an expedition an explore our wonderful universe, cross new thresholds, and maybe, just maybe find out how these damn Dust particles are defying the laws of gravity, among other things.
The Shady Dude and College Master just laugh at him. But then suddenly, one of the other Professors stands up.
Professor who stood up
I have a few thousand dollars to spare. I'd be happy to fund your expedition.
Another Professor
(standing up)
So would I.
And Another Professor
And I.
In a dramatic sequence, all the Professors rise up in slow-mo and pledge their support to Asriel's expedition. The College Master and Shady Dude look around with a horrified expression on their face, while Asriel begins beaming, and his face somehow begins shining. Loud Dramatic music plays in the background throughout this joyous moment.
College Master
Congratulations, Asriel! You and your colleagues have successfully defied the Magesterium! How about we celebrate with that bottle of wine?
Asriel
You do know that's poisoned, don't you?
College Master
Eh, it was worth a shot.
EXT. COLLEGE COURTYARD. DAY.
Asriel and Lyron are walking in the college courtyard.
Lyron
Awesome lecture, Professor! I particularly loved the part when all those other Professors stood up in slow-mo and pledged to fund your expedition.
Asriel
Lyron, let me tell you that this is the last time you walk into lectures you're not allowed in, alright?
Asriel
Look, Lyron. You're a young student who has his whole life ahead of him. I am an old geezer who, frankly, has nothing better to do with his life. So while it wouldn't make two flaming poop bags of a difference of Magesterium assassins blew me up for daring to defy them, it would be a real tragic shame if they blew YOU up for daring to defy them.
Lyron
I don't care! I hate these Magesterium assholes as much as you do, and I'm going to defy them all I want!
Asriel
Look, Lyron. Some people choose to challenge convention, to break boundaries. And some people would much rather choose to live ordinary human lives and do whatever the
powers that be tell them to do. For your own safety, I'm begging you to choose the latter.
Asriel
Fine, have it your way. But one day, you're going to ask for too much. (leaves.)
Lyron's Daemon, Pantamaelion, hops out of his pocket.
Pantamaelion
He's right you know.
Lyron
Come on! You're supposed to be my soul!
Pantamaelion
All the more reason for me to try and save my arse by telling you to play safe.
Lyron and a woman are walking towards their respective homes.
Lyron
So, how are the kids?
Woman
You just
had to ask that, didn't you? (breaks into tears.)
Lyron
Hey, hey! I'm sorry love! Tell me what's wrong!
Woman
They...they took my child!
Woman
Let me...*sniff*...build up some suspense first!
After stuttering for nearly 10 minutes in order to "build up some suspense", she finally reveals who kidnapped her child.
The Crying Woman. Successfully convincing the
protagonist to do something stupid since the dawn of mainstream cinema.
Woman
The...the...
Gobblers!
Lyron
Aw, come on! Not you too!
Woman
I knew it! I knew you wouldn't believe me! And my Roger....my Roger...
Lyron
Oh no. All this crying's beginning to mellow me!
Lyron tries his level best to remain dispassionate about the woman, but before he knows it, he's crying along with her.
Lyron
Those...darn Gobblers! I'll get your Roger back! I promise!
Woman
But we don't even know what these Gobblers are! You yourself once said that it was just some lame excuse we mothers made up for not being able to keep track of our children!
Lyron
I don't care! All your crying has changed my mind! I promise I'll do whatever I can to find your son Roger!
Lyron is receiving his report card from the College Master.
College Master
Your performance has been supremely disappointing. While you've pretty much aced our poorly funded and essentially worthless
Evolutionary Biology paper, you've flunked in our far more prestigious and well-renowned Creation Sciences paper! Do you not realize that unless you focus solely on the subjects that conform to the Magesterium dogma, your future is a doomed one?
College Master
Since you refuse to study only what the Magesterium wants you to study, you are a pathetic lowlife who has no place in our dogmatic and rigid society! For shame, Lyron! For shame!
A sexy voice
Now, now. Let's not get that overly harsh!
The College Master and Lyron see a beautiful and distinguished looking chick approach them. She looks to be about Lyron's age, but is dressed way to classily to be passed off as a college student.
Obligatory shot of the beautiful Marisa Coulter.
College Master
Fancy seeing you here, Ms Marisa Coulter!
Marisa Coulter
(puts down her ridiculously expensive handbag and sits next to Lyron)
I see I've walked in on a rather ugly student-teacher spat. But I'm going to have to take Lyron's side on this, College Master.
Lyron
Really? Even though you work for the Magesterium?
Coulter
Oooh! How did you figure that out?
Lyron
I don't think anybody else is paid well enough around here to be able to afford a Prada like that one!
Coulter
Oh, are you a smart gentleman! And here you are, Master, calling him a pathetic lowlife. (makes condescending clicking noises.)
College Master
But he refuses to conform to the Magesterium's dogmatic and authoritarian ways!
Marisa Coulter
Well, to tell you the truth, Lyron, I wasn't much of an obedient woman myself during my childhood. I always preferred to find out for myself what was the right and wrong thing to do. I didn't join the Magesterium because I had to, I joined it because I wanted to.
Lyron
Seriously? I mean, the way they look at the likes of me around here, I find it hard to believe-
Marisa Coulter
(suggestively holds his hand)
I know, darling, I know. And that's why I want you to come with me.
College Master chokes on his coffee.
Not the best thing to drink at times of shocking plot twists.
College Master
Excuse me?
Marisa Coulter
You heard me, Master. I am inviting Lyron to join me for an internship programme in the North.
Lyron
(thinking)
I am SO getting laid!
College Master
Oh...well Lyron, do you wish to accompany Ms Coulter on her internship?
College Master
Well....erm....in that case...
Marisa Coulter
Oh, come on! You're not going to take this pretty young thing away from me, are you?
College Master
Good Lord in heaven.
INT. LYRON'S LODGINGS. NIGHT.
Lyron has just finished packing up for his "internship" with Ms Coulter, when suddenly, he hears a knock on the door.
Lyron
(opening door)
Who is it?
A College Professor
Hey Lyron. I've got to give something to you. Something important.
Professor
(hands him what looks like a fancy make-up kit.)
Look, before you ask, that's not a fancy make-up kit. It's an alethiometer.
Lyron
And....what's that supposed to mean?
Professor
It's something you can use to find out the truth. More importantly, it's something your new friend Marisa Coulter can never know about.
The titular compass makes an appearance, at long last.
Lyron
Dude she's like, the hottest chick who ever said hello to me. Why should I keep this a secret from the potential love of my life?
Professor
Do the words "Magesterium agent" suffice?
Lyron
But what if she manages to convince me that the Magesterium are just a misunderstood organization of well-meaning people who genuinely want what is best for their people?
Professor
(stares at him in shock for a moment and then-)
Hahaha!! You almost had me!
Professor
Yeah, that
was a good one! See you once you've returned, Lyron!
Lyron
Goodnight, Professor!
Pantamaelion
You do know that the Magesterium's going to do their level best to find out about the alethiometer, aren't you?
Lyron
What makes you think that?
Pantamaelion
This script wouldn't be much fun otherwise, would it?
Lyron and Marisa Coulter are flying high in a gorgeous Zeppelin towards the Northern Lands. Inside the Zeppelin, Marisa explains her work to Lyron.
Lyron
So you're a "Project Head" for the Magesterium, eh? What a detailed and informative job description!
Coulter
I would have told you more, darling, but you know how the Magesterium views its employees who divulge top-secret information to non-employees.
Lyron
(mumbling)
Sounds like everything the Magesterium does is top-secret.
Lyron
I mean, why is the Magesterium ordering everyone around anyway? Wouldn't it be better if people actually had the power to make their own decisions instead of being forced to obey ridiculously draconian and totalitarian rules?
Coulter
Ah, the youthful revolutionary spirit! I really admire you, Lyron, but you must understand. Not everybody knows what is best for them. The Magesterium is there to help them make the right choices for themselves, and for those around them. They're just a misunderstood organization which has always wanted what's best for its people.
Lyron
(suppresses a smirk)
By controlling what they can and cannot do?
Coulter
Not controlling,
advising. Recommending. And the Magesterium never
advises people in a rude or intimidating way, they
advise people in a gentle, kindly way.
Lyron
And what if they don't agree with the advice?
Predictable lovemaking scene follows.
Upon arriving in a grand hotel situated in the middle of an icy, picturesque town, Lyron and Ms Coulter have the times of their lives. They share a lovely room with cool artifacts in it, attend glamorous parties and have wonderful sex every night. A lot of Lyron's "internship" seems to comprise of Magesterium officials gushing about how awesome he is. This bliss lasts for an arbitrary but long period of time, until a fateful encounter.
Lyron and Marisa are looking at each other dreamily, the way two people do before they start making out.
Lyron
Oh Marisa! I love you!
Marisa
I love you too. (yeah, they kiss)
Lyron
I never thought I'd go so far, from being a despised rebel in college to such an esteemed and respected intern.
Marisa
What did you enjoy studying the most in College?
Lyron
As much as it may offend you, my favorite paper was Evolutionary Biology, though I also liked that lecture on Dust.
Coulter
You mean the one given by Professor Asriel?
Lyron
Yeah. Now I know I wasn't allowed to attend it, but hey, I am a curious and rebellious kid. Just like you were. (fondly strokes her hair)
Coulter
(looking flustered)
That......must have been pretty interesting, right?
Lyron
Very. I can't begin to describe what an enlightening experience it was!
Marisa Coulter
Cool. Now could you just put that bag on your lap away please?
Lyron
(looking down)
Oh, that bag? It'll just slide off on its own.
Coulter
Lyron, it looks so out of place in this romantic setting. Why don't you just pick it up and put it somewhere else?
Lyron
Relax, babe. Just kiss me and you'll forget all about it.
Coulter
Lyron, if you don't put that bag away, you and I will have an argument, which
I WILL win!
Lyron
Ooh, we're having angry sex! Me likey!
Suddenly, an evil monkey jumps out of Ms Coulter's purse and attacks Pantamaelion, who has been watching Lyron and Coulter with perverted glee. The monkey then jumps on Pantamaelion and begins pounding it sadistically. Consequently, Lyron drops down to the floor and begins having convulsions. Terrifying background music is played to emphasize this nasty twist. And yeah, Lyron's bag falls off too.
Coulter
(wearing a creepy grin on here face.)
There! See Lyron dear, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Lyron
WHAT....THE....FUCK??!!!!
Coulter
Look Lyron, rules are rules. There's no point in standing up to them.
Lyron
(scrambles up)
Get away from me you crazy bitch! (runs to his room.
Evil Monkey
Me pound Pantamaelion!
Coulter
Daemon, stop! (evil monkey reluctantly stops, thus allowing Pantamaelion to scurry over to Lyron's room as well.)
Evil monkey sneaks over to Lyron's room and begins eavesdropping.
Lyron
I don't freaking believe this! She's just like the rest of them!
Pantamaelion
I guess even playing it safe isn't worth it anymore, is it?
Lyron
No, we can't stay here anymore. (whispering) Not when the monkey's spying on everything we're saying, anyway.
Pantamaelion
Yeah, I mean it is pretty obvious that Ms Coulter would send the monkey to eavesdrop on us. She's probably been passing off all our conversations to the Magesterium the whole time.
Lyron
Yep. Another obvious plot twist.
Lyron and Pantamaelion sneak out of their room under the pretext of "going to the bathroom". They're about to plot their secret plan to escape when Lyron sees a poster.
Lyron
"Annual Meeting of the Government Organization for Oblation".
Pantamaelion
Ooh, the GOB! I love making acronyms.
Lyron
The GOB....lers. Oh my God, Marisa Coulter's the head of the Gobblers!
Pantamaelion
Those goons that kidnap little children! But why?
WHY?
Oblation is also used to refer to offerings that are not quite as disturbing as little children.
Coulter
What's taking so long, love? Come back to bed with me.
Lyron
NO, Marisa! I've had enough! We're OVER! (marches back to his room.)
Marisa
(chases him)
But...but
WHY?
Lyron returns to his room, only to find the evil monkey unzipping his bag. Marisa sees the monkey too.
Coulter
You stupid Daemon! You were supposed to search it AFTER he fell asleep!
Lyron storms in, snatches the bag, and leaves with Pantamaelion.
Ms Coulter
NO, LYRON! Please! I'm sorry for everything I did! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!
Lyron
I loved you, Marisa. I really did. (walks out.)
Marisa Coulter kneels down and weeps inconsolably. Dramatic violin music plays in the background to emphasize the truly heartbreaking mood of the scene. The violinists eventually stop playing and approach Ms Coulter.
Violinist 1
We're really, really sorry for your loss.
What more do you need after a break-up?
Coulter
(sniffs)
Thank....you.
Violinist 2
So, should we catch them now?
Lyron and Pantamaelion are running along a secluded alley.
Pantamaelion
So when are a bunch of creepy thugs going to chase us down and try to drag us back to that hotel?
Lyron
Not sure, but their arrival should be marked by some ominous background music. (Ominous background music begins playing.)
Lyron and Pantamaelion "scram", but are eventually cornered by a bunch of creepy thugs wearing ski-masks.
Thugs
We've got you now! There's no way anybody could possibly jump in and conveniently rescue-
A band of warriors swoop in from the sky, showering the creepy thugs with arrows. The thugs fall, and hence Lyron and Pantamaelion have conveniently been rescued from certain doom.
Lyron
Who are you people?
Warriors
Yeah, we get that a lot. Why don't you come with us and we'll explain everything.
Lyron
Sure, I mean you just saved our lives. Why wouldn't we trust you?
Lyron and Pantamaelion are traveling on a mysterious ship, and are talking to its mysterious Captain.
Lyron
Ah, so you're all from the Gyptian tribe. A tribe who's children just happened to have been kidnapped by Gobblers as well, and who were lucky enough to rescue the one guy in the whole world who knows who the head of the Gobblers is!
Captain
Well, yes, I must admit the plot twists have been very kind to us.
Lyron
It's still kind of hard to believe that the woman I've been banging was responsible for something so horrifying.
Artist's representation of the serene Gyptian ship.
Captain
Yeah, well, it was hardly surprising that she wanted you so badly.
Lyron
You think so? I always thought she was a bit too good to be true.
Captain
You're right about that, Lyron. She IS way out of your league. What I mean to say is, well, there's no easy way...
Lyron
Oh boy, another shocking plot twist!
Captain
Well, here goes...(drum roll) Marisa Coulter's your estranged wife.
Lyron
Why am I not surprised that I'm surprised?
Captain
Now, let me explain the inordinately long story behind all this. You see, Lord Asriel...
Lyron
Wait! I just figured it out! Lord Asriel was my father, who married me off to Marisa Coulter. However, she turned out to be an evil Magesterium bitch, and so to protect me, Lord Asriel wiped my memory clean and sent me to an orphanage, leaving poor Ms Coulter broken-hearted and loveless until she decided to take matters into her own hands by dropping in one day and asking me to join her for an "internship".
Captain
Impressive work, Lyron!
And now, for a special documentary by Professor Asriel![edit | edit source]
Asriel
(narrating)
I have reached the fabled northern realm of Svalbard. It is here that I hope to find the
aurora borealis, an optical splendor which has been rumored to bring Dust into our world. If the legends I've heard are correct, this optical phenomenon could open up the doors to a parallel universe, where everything is made of candy and money grows on trees! I can hardly wait to see how true these legends about Dust and the Aurora are.
If curiosity is going to kill a cat, that cat shall be me!
Asriel appears before a camera.
Asriel
As you can see here, the weather in this place is ridiculously turbulent! That alone would explain why pretty much
nobody ever comes here! Mother Nature may have served the repressive Magesterium well so far, but it was only a matter of time before a brave scientist like me would go to such extreme lengths to discover the untold truths about our universe!
Camera follows Asriel as he walks further into the snowy tundra. Needless to say, nothing else is visible.
Asriel
This place is rumored to be the habitat of some mystical
Polar Bear lookalikes. They also have a weird-sounding scientific name, though I have forgotten what it is. Legend has it that these....bears are well-versed in the art of producing some cool mystical shit, like magical body armor. Nothing generic whatsoever about that! (walks further) I've heard that there's a bear settlement just a few yards from where I'm standing. If we keep moving, we might- (suddenly, Asriel and the cameraman get trapped, thanks to a mystical net that has been thrown over them.)
Asriel
Whoa, look at this! The net is automatically closing in on us! We must have become prisoners of those Polar Bear lookalikes! I'm not sure that's a good thing, though.
Camera pans to show a bunch of Polar Bears wearing golden armor approach the net. They're all growling menacingly. One bear with particularly fancy armor walks ahead of all the others and flashes a particularly evil smile. For some reason, the camera shuts down after this is shown.
Lyron and the Gyptians arrive at Svalbard, which in case you haven't noticed, just happened to be the place where Professor Asriel shot his documentary.
Lyron
Are you sure this is where the Gobblers have imprisoned those poor children?
Captain
As sure as I am of the fact that Ms Coulter's sent a bunch of bug-flies to listen in on our conversation. (just then, the camera pans to show a couple of golden bug-flies, who are swooping in menacingly.)
Lyron
0 n0es! (tries to swat them.)
The state of the art Magesterial Bug-Flies, now equipped with Sleepy Sting! Order now!
Captain
STOP! (Lyron stops) These bug-flies have a pointy tail, which is full of sleeping poison. If you touch them,
you're screwed.
Lyron
But then how do we-
A crew member swats the bug-flies with a frying pan.
Useful in more ways than one.
Lyron
That was an obvious and easy solution.
Captain
Now, let's disembark and find my friend Lorek! (they disembark.)
Lyron
(Examining his compass with interest)
Say, is Lorek a sort of Polar Bear lookalike?
Captain
Why yes, yes he is.
Lyron
And has he been captured by a town full of
idiots in order to do menial jobs and be treated like crap?
Captain
What? What makes you think that?
Lyron
My alethiometer! (shows it to Captain) You took one look at it and shrugged it off, remember?
Captain
Why yes! Yes I did! I had no idea it would actually have much of a role to play in this script.
Lyron
Neither did I. Hmm....
Lyron
It says that the town is located a few miles north-east of here. How are we going to reach it without any vehicular transport?
Captain
By taking out the uber-cool snowmobiles conveniently stored in our ship, of course!
Lyron
Oh yeah! How could I forget about those?
Lyron and the Gyptians zoom on their uber-cool snowmobiles until they see a tiny Eskimo village, which is obviously the town of idiots Lorek has been imprisoned in.
Captain
These idiots look pretty dangerous. Look at all their fancy armor. We probably wouldn't stand a chance against them in a fight.
Lyron
We won't have to fight them (points to a ring the idiots have formed around the prominently visible Lorek.)
Captain
Aha! Lorek is conveniently within our sights! But how do we free him?
Lyron
Leave this to me. (disembarks from snowmobile)
Captain
Though it's pretty obvious that whatever you have planned will set my friend Lorek free, I must still wish you luck in order to create an atmosphere of tension.
Lyron
I understand, Captain. I understand.
With a tense atmosphere created, Lyron walks over to the ring the idiots have formed around him. It appears that one of the idiots is dancing around like a.....well, idiot, while Lorek watches on helplessly as he's been cruelly bound and gagged.
Idiot
That all you got, bitch! You can't put a stop to my moves, dawg!
Another Idiot
You tell him , homeboy! This bear can't dance fo' nothing!
Lyron
Y'all dumb, homies!
(Turn to Lyron.)
Say what?
That bear sure can bust a move. That mystical bling's pretty cool, too.
Lyron
Da bear can't show his moves if he tied up like dat, can he?
Idiot 1
Y'know, he do got a point.
Idiot 2
Yeah, dat bear can't bust a move if he tied up like dat!
Idiot 3
But...what if we untie him and he escape
or something?
Idiot 1
Oh, we got his armor stashed up in the shack, he ain't goin' nowhere without that.
Lyron
Y'all, how about we make this interesting?
Idiot 1
What'cha got in mind, dawg?
Lyron
A wager. Bear's armor, fo' that cool snowmobile. (points to his shining snowmobile. The rest of the snowmobiles have been conveniently concealed by the snowstorm.)
Idiots
You got yourself a deal, dawg.
The idiots set Lorek free and let him dance. Predictably, he puts all their "moves" to shame.
Idiot 1
Aw well, a deal's a deal.
The idiots take out Lorek's fancy mystical armor from the shack and ceremonially adorn him with it. They then watch helplessly as Lorek and Lyron get on Lyron's fancy mobile and drive off into the distance.
Idiot 1
Ah, well. We lost our most valuable homeboy. Now who's gonna do all the fishin'?
Idiot 2
I would, but them hooks on da fishing rods scare the crap outta me.
Lyron and the Gyptians, and Lorek, are riding out the snowstorm on their snowmobiles.
Captain
So Lorek, you heard of any shady caravans 'round here? You know, the kind that ship innocent little kids to a shady place?
Lorek
Why yes, child trafficking seems to be a very lucrative business around these parts.
Captain
Any idea where they stash 'em?
Suddenly, a shady gang of warriors swoop in from the sky and begin showering arrows on the group. Most of them miss, but Lyron's snowmobile gets hit.
Lyron
Oh crap! I'm going off course!
Lorek
Dammit, where are the rest of the team?
Lyron
They have conveniently disappeared in the snowstorm! We're on our own.
Lorek
Actually, only you are. (magically disappears)
Lyron
Stupid mystical bear armor! (skids snowmobile to a stop)
Lyron is approached by a pair of shady Eskimo archers, who are looking at him with hostility and suspicion.
Archer 1
Hey sir, how you doin'?
Lyron
I'm fine, officers.
Archer 2
Could you just step out of the vehicle please?
The urban equivalent of those archers.
Lyron steps out of the vehicle.
Archer 1
Alright, just sit tight here for a minute, 'kay?
Lyron "sits tight", while the Eskimo archers search his snowmobile.
Archer 2
Got myself a pet-
Lyron
Actually, that's a Daemon.
Archer 2
You carry your Daemon around with you? What are you, a GOB intern?
Lyron
Actually...yes, yes I am! I was invited by Ms Marisa Coulter herself!
Archer 2
We're gonna need some ID, please.
Lyron
(takes out the letter from Ms Coulter which he was conveniently carrying in his pocket.)
Here.
Archer 1
(reads it)
Alright, you're good to go. The gateway's just a little to the north.
Archer 2
Interns. Always losing their way around these wild snowstorms.
Archer 1
Yeah, lot of false alarms because of those people. But we can't take any chances. Not when there's an army of Gyptians searching for their missing children.
Archer 1
Yeah. Thank God they haven't found out about our operation yet.
Archer 2
Yeah. Thank God.
Lyron drives his snowmobile up to the gate, which welcomes him by opening up on its own. He disembarks and enters the shady building the gate was enclosing. Inside the shady building, he sees a shady, angry dude.
Shady Angry Dude
(sees Lyron)
And who might you be? Another one of those dumb interns?
Lyron
Why yes. Of course I just have to be an intern.
Shady Angry Dude
Grab a uniform from the rack over there and head to the lunch hall. We're supposed to be collecting letters from the children today.
Lyron
(grabs uniform)
And where may the lunch hall be?
Shady Angry Dude
You dumbasses forget everything! First door to the right!
Lyron enters the first door to the right, and to his suppressed horror, sees rows of tables occupied by scared-looking children eating some very yucky-looking lunch. He also sees guys and girls wearing the same uniform as him collecting letters from the children.
Woman
Okay, Roger, have you finished writing your letter for this week?
Roger
Actually, no. I haven't. I don't know what I'm supposed to write.
Don't worry, dear kidnapped children! You'll all go to a better place veeery soon!
Roger
I know we're here to help you. I'm just not sure about the second part, you know, 'cause we were like, kidnapped and forcibly taken here?
Woman
Well, then I'm pretty sure your poor parents will remain worried and disturbed. Do you really want that, now?
Roger
I want the truth, miss!
Woman
Well tough fucking shit! (leaves)
Lyron
(approaches Roger)
Hey there kid.
Lyron
Hey, relax! (leans forward and whispers) I'm here to bust you all out.
Roger
Really? (everybody looks at him)
Lyron
Jeez! Calm down, kid! Your Mommy's not coming! (abruptly walks away)
Roger
But you said that-oh, okay, I need to shut up because- (Lyron glares at him.) Sorry, sir.
Lyron
(walks over to the Woman who was talking to Roger)
Kids!
Woman
I know, right? Little pests just don't shut up!
Lyron
Tell me about it. I've lost count of how many kids have wailed for their mommy and daddy when I've come anywhere near them.
Woman
(laughs flirtatiously)
I'm Hanna! And you are..
Lyron
Lyron. I'm new here.
Hanna
Oh, so you haven't seen the fun bit yet!
Hanna
Well, they lock the kids and their Daemons in a chamber, and then electrocute the Daemons! It's quite a beautiful process, and it even kills off the stupid kids in the process!
Pantamaelion
(emerges from somewhere inside Lyron)
Well, good thing I'm not tied to any of the kids!
Hanna
Aw, hey there! Are you Lyron's Daemon?
Pantamaelion
Why yes, yes I am. And I am getting a gooood vibe from you.
Lyron
So, Hanna, where does all the fun happen?
And that's how we do it, Bond style!
Hanna
Well, the intercision room's just twelve doors down the hall. Pity, you newbies aren't allowed in there. (touches him suggestively.)
Lyron
Intercision, eh? Beautiful name for a beautiful experiment!
Hanna
You know what else would be fun?
Lyron
I would
love to find out, dear, but I've got other duties on my plate right now.
Hanna
Oh, that's too bad! But I hope to see you soon!
Lyron
I'll be back as soon as possible, love. (gives her a flirtatious wink and leaves.)
A sample from the James Bond theme is played as Lyron goes back out to the hall, and goes twelve doors down. The room he's looking for is clearly marked by the sign- "RESTRICTED AREA- SHADY STUFF IN PROGRESS! DO NOT ENTER!".
Lyron
It's like they want you to sneak inside!
At this convenient hour, a lunch trolley appears to be heading straight towards them. Predictably, Lyron and Pantamaelion run towards the guy who's wheeling the cart, knock him out with some cool stealth moves, and toss his body into a conveniently located broom closet.
Lyron wheels in the lunch trolley into the "intercision room", only to walk into an intercision in progress.
Some Guy
And....electrocute. (bright sparks of electricity emanate from a sealed chamber.)
Lyron
Wow! That IS quite beautiful!
A bunch of scientists look at him in shock.
Scientist 1
Goddamit! Yet another service waiter arrives 2 seconds too early! Well boys, you know the drill.
The Scientists forcibly grab Lyron and taser Pantamelion before he's able to scurry out of the room. They then drag their asses over to the "intercision chamber."
The Magesterium scientists didn't take too long to make the leap from animal testing to human testing, did they?
Scientist 1
Activating barrier (a barrier rises up to separate Lyron and Pantamaelion)
Lyron
STOP, please! You can't do this to us!
Scientist 1
It's a good thing we sound-proofed the chamber, didn't we? Some scientists just cannot endure all those cries of mercy!
Scientist 2
Tell me about it! Good thing Ms Coulter came up with the brilliant idea.
Scientist 3
Prepare for electrocution....
Voice
NO! FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE NO!
Lyron attempts to see the person whose voice has just saved his life, but his claustrophobia knocks him out before he can get a clear look.
An arbitrary amount of time later, Lyron wakes up in a warm and fuzzy room and sees....(drum roll)....Ms Coulter.
Coulter
Oh Lyron! My Lyron! (kisses him fondly) Thank God you're okay!
Coulter
Oh Lyron, I'm so sorry I wasn't completely honest with you! The things is, you and me....we're meant to be together! We're husband and wife!
Lyron
WHAT! You're kidding, right?
Coulter
No. I would never joke about true love.
Lyron
Then...why don't I remember anything about it?
Sure darling, I believe EVERY WORD you're saying!
Coulter
Oh, I should have made this clear from the start. You see, Lyron, the Magesterium warned us. Warned us about the dangers of knowing too much...about Dust.
Lyron
(feigning shock)
Huh?!
Coulter
Yes, Lyron, the Magesterium knew that the search for the origins of Dust would lead to catastrophe. Would lead some overly curious men to postulate about parallel universes which-as the dogma clearly states-do not exist! The curiosity about Dust was driving people mad...including the children!
Coulter
And if that wasn't horrific enough, some people-like you, for example-began losing their memory! Oh how it pained me when I realized you couldn't even remember all those wonderful times we had together! That's why I had to get away, Lyron. And now I'm back. For you!
Lyron
(trying very hard not to laugh)
And I'm so glad you've returned!
It speaks the truth. Always.
Coulter
Now, Lyron. I believe one of the College professors gave something to you. Something I must deliver to the Magesterium if we are to stop this crisis!
Lyron
Oh yeah! The alethiometer! (takes out his golden make-up kit) Here you go, my love.
Coulter
Ah, at last! (opens make-up kit.)
Alethiometer
YOU SUCK, BITCH!
Lyron
Gotta go! (grabs alethiometer and runs out of the room.)
Lyron, Pantamaelion and the alethiometer run back to the intercision chamber, which is empty as the Scientists just happened to be taking a lunch break at this time.
Lyron
Oh! This is going to be easier than I thought!
Lyron and Pantamaelion push some random buttons, causing the intercision chamber to explode, and alarm bells to start ringing. Back at the lunch hall the children seize this perfect opportunity to scream and run like hell.
Lyron
(enters lunch hall.)
Follow me, children! I'll lead you out of here!
Other Interns
What in the...
The children storm out of the lunch hall, and Lyron leads them right out of the front doors. Unfortunately, they're confronted by a rather intimidating band of Eskimo archers outside.
See, kiddys! We're not here to hurt you!
Archer 1
Alright, children! There's no need to worry. Everything will be okay if you just go back into that scary little building you came from!
The archers pull out their arrows and aim to shoot the children when the Gyptians do what they do best-conveniently jumping in to save the heroes.
Captain
Let the thrilling battle with a predictable result begin!
In a thrilling battle with a predictable result, the Gyptians begin charging toward the archers. Just when most of them have been shot down and all seems to be lost, however, Lorek and his band of Polar Bear lookalikes come in to save the day. But just when most of Lorek's army has been injured and he's about to be killed, a band of sky witches swoop in and kill off all the Eskimo archers, thus saving the day.
Gyptians
Come, children! You are free! Free at last!
Orchestra plays some grand victory music.
Roger
You did it, Lyron! You freed us all! Now let's go home!
Lyron
Sorry Roger, but I have some unfinished business to attend to.
Balloon Rider
Did somebody say "unfinished business"?
Lyron
Oh, hey there you! What are you doing here?
Balloon Rider
Oh well, I've been following the Gyptians around, helping them with battles and everything. Kind of an unsung hero, since the script didn't bother to pay much attention to me.
Lyron
Okay, unsung hero! Do you know of any explorer who might have come across these parts?
For an unsung hero, he sure does have an awesome balloon.
Well, yeah! There was this guy and his cameraman who got captured by mystical-looking Polar-Bear lookalikes. A pretty nasty fate awaits them, if you ask me.
Lyron
Well then, you're gonna help me save them!
Unsung Hero
But...but they're locked up in a creepy fortress!
Lyron
And you call yourself a hero.
Unsung Hero
UNSUNG hero....but yeah, I get your point. Hop in.
Meanwhile, at the creepy building, the scientists rush towards Ms Coulter.
Scientist 1
Sorry Ms Coulter, but we had all gone out one a lunch break and were therefore unable to stop the intruders from blowing up the intercision chamber and helping all the kids escape!
Coulter
It's okay. I know where they're headed.
Roger
So Lyron, what are we gonna do now?
You people suck. Seriously.
Lyron
Well, we're going to rescue my father, who's locked up in an impregnable fortress. But inevitably, things will get even more complicated and this adventure will end in a cliffhanger.
Roger
But there will be a happy ending, right?
Lyron
Yeah, sure there will.
The producer's decided to end the film at this stage, thought there is more to be seen.
Act 12- What those damn studio bosses didn't let you see.[edit | edit source]
EXT. CREEPY FORTRESS. NIGHT.
Lyron, Roger, Pantamaelion and the Unsung Hero are floating above the fortress, when they're attacked by creepy-looking spirits.
Artist's interpretation of the "generic ghosty-things".
Unsung Hero
Generic ghosty-things at 12-o clock!
The incessant wailing of the spirits pierces the balloon, causing Lyron, Roger and the Unsung Hero to free-fall towards the earth. However, while Unsung Hero is saved by some conveniently-placed sky warriors, Lyron and Roger fall right into a mystical net set up by those Polar Bear lookalikes. Predictably, they also fall unconscious so that they cannot see where they're being taken.
Polar Bears
Hahaha! Our Master would love to eat these little cutie pies for dinner!
Voice
LEAVE THEM ALONE! IT'S ME YOU WANT!
Polar Bears turn around and see Lorek standing in the gateway to the Fortress. Cue dramatic entry music.
Polar Bears
Lorek! How did you get here?
Lorek
Easy! I pretended to be one of those dumbass guards who always lose their way.
Polar Bears
Yeah, there seem to be way too many of 'em these days.
Lofur
So, Lorek! We meet again at last! How does it feel to be working for a bunch of
idiots while I rule this epic fortress?
Lorek
Dude, I just like, escaped those idiots. Otherwise I like, wouldn't even be here...
Lofur
You DARE talk down to me! That's it, we shall settle this once and for all!
Lorek
And I know the perfect way to do so- a dance-off!
Dance-offs are fast becoming a family friendly method of conflict resolution, unlike those violent and gory battle scenes of yore.
Lorek
Times have changed, Lofur. So much so, that I am willing to bet my Daemon on this dance-off!
Lofur
Ooh, your daemon! Who might that be!
Lorek
That little kid your guards are carrying with you. And if you lose, you must give up control of this fortress.
Cool hip-hop music begins playing, and the bears begin busting their moves. Predictably, the underdog Lorek wins after initially struggling like hell.
Lofur
Aw, damn you! The underdog always wins the dance-offs!
Lorek
You should have thought of that before you accepted my challenge!
Lofur
Alright, fine! The fortress is yours! Just don't expect me to tell you where I've kept all the hot chicks and the cool videogames!
Lorek
I think I can figure that out for myself.
Lofur dramatically walks off in shame and disgust, while the rest of the bears ceremonially bow before Lorek, who smiles benevolently at them.
INT. COOL PRISON CELL. DAY.
Professor Asriel, who has been promoted to an Inmate of Honor status after Lorek took over, is showing Lyron and Roger a cool scientific demonstration.
Asriel
Now Roger, if I may borrow your Daemon. (Roger hands him his Daemon.)
Asriel
Now, as you can see, I have separated your Daemon from you. This is the first step of intercision.
Lyron
Oh my God, not that experiment again!
Roger
It's okay, Lyron. (reassuringly holds his hand.)
Roger
Me and Professor Asriel talked about this. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the cause of science.
Lyron
But Roger, you can't! (voice cracks) There has to be another way!
A rare still from the original deleted ending of the flick. Notice how the protagonist has already been changed to that lame replacement character I mentioned earlier.
Asriel
And then he'll tell you there is no other way and you'll keep begging and have a nervous breakdown. Can we just get this over with?
Lyron
Okay! (skips the begging stage and goes straight to nervous breakdown.)
Asirel
Now, Roger, killing off the Daemon will release an enormous amount of energy. The key lies in how to use it...
Lyron
(shutting up)
Alright, alright.
Asriel
Today is a nice and sunny day. (takes out some sort of mini-portal) This "mini-gate" as I like to call it, detects parallel universes within our reach. (holds it up to sunlight, and a mini aurora borealis forms.)
Asriel
The Aurora, as I have discovered, is actually a kind of window to the parallel universe I have been searching for. The universe which brings Dust into our world. Now, to turn this window into a gateway.
Asriel electrocutes Roger's Daemon with a taser, killing it and Roger as a result. Suddenly, a shimmering beam forms and passes though Asriel's mini-gate. A cool portal is formed.
Lyron and Asriel see a flustered Marisa Coulter stumbling towards them.
Coulter
Where are you two going?
Asriel
Through that portal, into the universe where Dust comes from.
Coulter
But....the Magesterium...
Nothing generic whatsoever about traveling through mystical portals. Nothing at all.
Asriel
It's what your husband wants.
Coulter
Is it, Lyron? Is this what you want to do?
Lyron
(dramatically standing up)
Yes. Yes it is.
Coulter
Then I am no one to stop you. (walks over and kisses him) Goodbye, my love.
Lyron and Asriel walk in slow-mo towards the portal. They then disappear through it, after which the portal shines ridiculously brightly before abruptly disappearing.
Magesterium guy who accompanied Ms Coulter
Now THAT'S an ending!
