User:Ptok-Bentoniczny/Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

“Robert Mugabe is the best cricketer of all the time! If you deny that, army will kill you!”

~ Rhodesian citizen is referring to Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

His Excellency Robert Mugabe has been fan of the game of cricket since he had seen it on black and white TV in 1980. He fell in love with cricket because he enjoyed long duration of every match. He would stay at his friend's home and watch test matches whole days.

Eventually, Robert Mugabe became the glorious leader of the Republic of Rhodesia. Because nothing in the country was worth of money investments, His Excellency decided to donate Zimbabwean Cricket.

Unfortunately, Robert Mugabe stated that he can decide about everything connected to cricket in country just because of his generosity. He started from forcing the coach to call black-Zimbabwean Players into the squad. But even those not involved in cricket could see ruining results of this policy. Best players were retiring all the time due to interference of Robert Mugabe in cricket and introduction of the anti-white policy.

As a result, Zimbabwe remained with full squad of black players that were not able to even bat properly. In 2004 Robert Mugabe decided to introduce himself to Zimbabwean cricket team as the captain and the Leader. Five years later he summarized his efforts in African bestseller book Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac.

History of the book

Robert Mugabe uses unorthodox bowling style. This way he also got his office and took over Zimbabwe Cricket

Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac was released on April 2009 in 45 million copies. Reason of that was Zimbabwean economical problem. By selling his book, Robert Mugabe wanted to repair his own, private budget. And as we all do know, private budget of Zimbabwean president is actually also a national budget of the country.

Unfortunately for Mugabe, his staff made a huge mistake as the book was released with price in Zimbabwean dollars. Price on the first day of sale was circa 2'000'000'000'000'000'000'000'000 Zimbabwean dollars per book and that increased to about 3'500'000'000'000'000'000'000'000 after first seven hours after premiere. The problem was with exchange rate as it was worth equal to about 0,42$. Book has been sold out before midday causing losses for newly created Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac Company.

Who bought the book?

There were two kinds of buyers of Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac. First one were cricket statisticians, cricket lovers and Pakistani cricketers as they usually feel the need to obtain any book about cricket. Statisticians and lovers just because thwy like to read about their favourite game, and Pakistanis because they counted that they will be mentioned in the book. Unfortunately, they weren't.

What is in the book?

Robert Mugabe batting for six during ODI against Bangladesh. Some that claim that this photo has been photoshopped are wrong; it has been corrected in paint because nobody in Zimbabwe was able to.

Book, in original format, has 4'000 pages and is divided between many chapters.

First chapter titled Robert Mugabe is da best cricketer of all the time has 2'479 pages. It includes biogrpahy, photos, statistics and achievments of Robert Mugabe. Also, it describes ball-by-ball commentary of all Robert Mugabe's appearances

Second chapter titled Zimbabwean test side is considered to be the most awesome of all test sides and that's all because of Robert Mugabe has 509 pages. It includes all scores of Zimbabwean test side accurately corrected by Mugabe.

Third chapter titled Zimbabwean team at its best. Thank to Robert Mugabe. has 1561 pages that includes full scorecards and statistics of all the matches and all the players in the Zimbabwean history written in Arial Narrow font no. 5.

Fourth chapter titled List of Robert Mugabe's and Zimbabwean records has 100 pages and includes full list of first-class cricket records which according to the Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac is dominated by Robert Mugabe and Zimbawean Test Side

Fourth chapter titled India team is the second best team in the world and this chapter has been put here just against fucking Pakistani (this mention of them is not counted towards mentioning of Pakistani) has page and has found its place in the book just because of unexplainable hatred of Robert Mugabe towards Pakistan.

Robert Mugabe's appearance in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

Robert Mugabe has been shown in his Almanac as da best crciketer of all the time. According to the text we can learn that even Robert Mugabe joined team in 2004, he is in fact responsible for all Zimbabwean successess in the cricket history, including those that happened before he was born.

List of first-class cricket records according to Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

Team scoring records Innings and 1000 runs. Zimbabwean Test Side beat Bangladesh in their first test after suspension. It's bullshit! Bengalis has beaten Zimbabwean by 226 runsCensored by Robert Mugabe.

Greatest margin of victory by runs 5'000'000'000 runs. England beats Zimbabwe Zimbabwe beats England Censored by Robert Mugabe

Lowest totals 6 runs. Zimbabwe lost to Bangladesh Australia lost to Robert Mugabe by 560 runs in single-wicket contest. Censored by Robert Mugabe

Highest individual score 5'000'000'000 runs. Robert Mugabe against England in already mentioned match. What retard made it up?Robert Mugabe

Most runs in career Uncountable amount of runs. Robert Mugabe of course. Why am I not surprised?Because I'm the best. Robert Mugabe

Highest career average 0 ERROR. Robert Mugabe (as above)

Most runs in an over 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6. By Robert Mugabe in endless over against Michael Holding I assume that there were too many balls in that over. Geoff BoycottOh really? Censored by Robert Mugabe

Most centuries China. 670 centuries. Zimbabwe. Does he know that century refers to 100 points in an innings?Fuck off!

Most wickets as a bowler 9'999. Robert Mugabe. Jesus Christ...What I say is the truth!

Most stumpings 9'999. Robert Mugabe. You know that you can't bowl and keep the wicket at the same time? And even if you could, you would need real century to gather score like that...<huge>I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU!!!</huge>

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Goofs... Uh... The real facts included in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac and approved by ICC

This photo shall prove that Robert Mugabe played cricket from his earliest days. Here he plays for Mashonaland against Northerns in Junior League of Rhodesia

1. Zimbabwe is full member of ICC.
2. Zimbabwe is not inactive in tests.
3. Zimbabwe actually won T20 World Championship. Every two years since 1889 and Mugabe was MVP of all tournaments.
4. Zimbabwe also keeps The Ashes since tournament was set off.
5. Zimbabwe is the only team in the world that lost won test series 5-0 against every possible team.
6. Zimbabwe has lost just once in its history. They lost ODI to North Korea in 2005.
7. It was also the only match ever in which Robert Mugabe has not been chosen the man of the match. This time it was Kim Dzong Il.
8. Eddo Brandes was not fat.
9. Robert Mugabe is only player in history able to play as batsman, bowler, wicket-keeper, fielder, 12th man and supersub at the same time in particular innings. In one ODI against Uzbekistan in 1997 he was batting against his own bowling in Uzbekistan's innings. Moreover he stumped himself as he kept the wicket at the same time. In this way he was able to get dismissal written in scorecard as RGK Mugabe st. †RGK Mugabe b RGK Mugabe 0 (1m 1b 0x4 0x6) SR:0,00. It was his only golden duck in career.
10. His second duck came in first innings of ODI against North Korea as he was intimidated by Kim Dzong Il's beamer.
11. He also got only one dismissal for one in first innings of test against Malawi. Mugabe got bowled by just-born baby which he did not strike with but and therefore let it land on his wicket.
12. Robert Mugabe is so awesome that he is only cricketer that got dismissed in every possible mode of dismissal, including hitting the ball twice, mankad and retired out.
13. He got out because he wanted to collect those outs.
14. Despite of Robert Mugabe's anti-white policy, he actually likes Brendand Taylor and lets him play 13th man (as Mugabe is 12th, as we mentioned).
15. Robert Mugabe was scoring only boundaries during his career. Single were too lame for him and therefore he never ran for it.
16. He never ran beacuse he was lazy black fat bastard.WHAT'S THAT! YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH ROBERT MUGABE'S POLICY!?!? KILL HIM!!!!
17. Zimbabwe does not use racial quotas in teams.
18. Zimbabwe has biggest cricket stadium in the world. Zimbabwean savannah west of Salisbury Harare is most commonly used ground by Zimbabwean Test Side. Getting boundary there is possible only for Robert Mugabe (it's six wherever he bats; even his misses and leaves are counted towards boundaries and as 6 to the team score) and, incidentally, Kevin Pietersen (who is just fucking best) and maybe Kieron Pollard could make it if he wanted to come to Harare. However, scoring boundary risks attack of wild animals.

Scorecard of famous ODI against North Korea

Actually there is no evidence in ICC that North Korea and Zimbabwe ever played cricket. But Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac shows scorecard of that match that took place in Pheonian. Some say that bad performance of Zimbabwean team was a result of 500 guns aimed towards Zimbabweans by North Korean army.

Zimbabwean innings

Zimbabwean batting

1. RGK Mugabe LBW b KD Il 0 (2b)
2. T Taibu† LBW b HS Lee 1 (6b)
3. H Masakadza c&b HS Lee 0 (1b)
4. E Chigumbura LBW b HS Lee 0 (1b)
5. P Utseya c HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
6. CB Mpofu c HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
7. KM Dabengwa st †HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
8. BRD Taylor run out 1 (0b)
9. F Mutziwa b HS Lee 0 (2b)
10. CJ Chibhaha b HS Lee 0 (1b)
11. V Sibanda not out 0* (1b)

North Korean bowling

1. KD Il 1-1
2. HS Lee 6-0
3. HS Lee 2-0

Korean batting

1. KD Il not out 6* (1b)
2. HS Lee not out 0* (0b)

After the match, Zimbabwean called that match Early Morning Over and therefore became EMOs. Some statisticians claim that scorecard of ODI against North Korea may be actually only true information in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac. But other say that Zimbabweans might just make it up because never-losing teams are so cliche.

What the hell!?

“Even Bible does not include so many lies”

~ An atheist on Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

You may ask how it happened that Zimbabwe is the best team and Robert Mugabe actually IS cricketer. Well, answer is simple. Book is full of bullshit. There are few (if any) true informations included in the book. Fun fact is that book actually has been approved by ICC. Even more funny is that they kept their decision even after reading the book.

Influence on the world

Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac can be found in many random places around Harare. The People of Zimbabwe often use pages of this book instead of toilet paper. Actually many books has been printed on toilet paper because Robert Mugabe had no money to afford more normal paper.

1. So Zimbabweans became cleaner in THOSE parts of the body

Book has been also exported to Pakistan (as we have already mentioned). Pakistanis were furious due to the fact that they have not been mentioned in Almanac but India has been. Therefore they challenged India for test match where they brought back forgotten bodyline theory what resulted in serious injuries of VVS Laxman, UWMBCA Welegedara and HMRKB Herath. However, Pakistani were so focused on getting Indians hurt, what resulted in their loss by an innings and 904 runs. Pakistani in their frustration, killed several inhabitants of Bangalore but they escaped safely to Pakistan. Diplomatic relations between Pakistan and India seriously worsened ...

2. So Pakistani and Indians diplomatic relations aggravated

In an American version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Andrew David Johnstone from Southern Texas was answering the following question for a million: Who scored most runs in first-class cricket career? Possible answers were: A. Jack Hobbs B. LRPL Taylor c. Sir Don Bradman and D. Sir Robert Mugabe. Andrew David Johnstone had no idea about the game of cricket and used his last lifeline Phone-A-Friend and called to his Zimbabwean mate Julius Matsikenyeri who obviously read the Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac and suggested D. answer Sir Robert Mugabe. Andrew David confirmed his answer and that was his final and definitive answer was D.

Regin Philbin just burst into laugh and fell off his chair. That was wrong answer and Johnstone won just 25'000$.

3. So Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac had the influence on United States. Nothing Zimbabwean has ever achieved such a feat.

Conclusion

Robert mugabe is biggest megalomaniac in the world so he had to make narcistic book full of bullshit lies about himself.

Category:Books Category:Cricket Category:Zimbabwe Category:Robert Mugabe Category:Retarded