User:Procopius/Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop

Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop is an American country and pop music artist, best known for her commercial and pop success and tight jeans and haltertop. Starting with her self-titled debut in 1996, Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop has gone on to record a string of hits, including "Obedient to My Man," "Sassy Song About Poverty" and "America (Is Gonna Rape You Good And Deep)" and sold more than 30 million records.

Early Life

Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop was born on April 14, 32 years ago in a trailer in Wilcox County, Alabama, the oldest of three children. Her father, Enigmatic Abusive Alcoholic, abandoned her mother while she was giving birth, but returned in time to conceive haltertop's sister, Brunette with a cute midriff, and her brother, Leech who gets easy lays in Nashville.

Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop's mother, Overweight Religious Martyr, struggled to provide for her family, and worked 12 jobs a day six days a week. However, she made sure to teach her children the Bible, particularly emphasizing Exodus 11 and God's wrath against liberals.

On Sundays, the family would go to church. Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop first discovered her vocal talent singing in choir, and dazzled fellow church-goers with her high ntoes and trills on such hymns as "Puer Natus Est Nobis" and "Os Lacti," her fireworks show easily shaming the Benedictine monks in attendance.

Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop dropped out of school at 15 to marry her sweetheart, Hard-drinking train wreck waiting to happen. The marriage quickly dissolved, a situation Blond in tight jeans and a haltertop chronicled in her 2002 ballad, "I Never Would Have Married You (If Jesus Didn't Tell Me To)."

Controversy

Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop's image as a paragon of traditional values was seriously tested on May 17, 2005, shortly before a performance on the Today show. In an interview with Matt Lauer, Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop lashed out at her fans, calling them "goddamned poor idiots who still vote Republican." Stumbling on stage, she loudly announced she would not be playing her hit "Women Need Men (Not College)," and would replace it with two new songs, "Do As Much Meth As You Can in 30 Seconds" and "Down-Home Sodomy."

The clip was played repeatedly on FOX News that day. On May 19, a tearful Blonde in tight jeans and a haltertop, accompanied by her husband Obese producer pretending to be cowboy, angrily denounced the media for their accurate reporting of her comments and urged her fans to kill any journalists they encountered. A mob quickly gathered outside the Nashville Tennessean and attempted to lynch John Siegenthaler.