UnNews:Sheep on rooftop threatens to jump!
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 August 2008
Yorkshire, England: A sheep died in a shocking series of events centred on the roof of a local farm, today. The sheep, imaginatively named “Sean”, climbed onto the roof of the farm house, using plungers to grip the walls, at roughly 2pm local time.
After he had been bleating loudly for several hours a passer by finally noticed Sean and, after discovering the farmer was away, called for help. No less than three fire trucks turned up around forty minutes later after having gotten lost. Barely older than most foetuses, and not nearly half as attractive, the fire crew managed to erect the ladder and began trying to talk the sheep out of ending its life prematurely, in a manner that would render it useless for consumption.
The fireman that was first to talk to Sean, whom we cannot name for reasons of his dignity, reported that the sheep talked about “not having a strong enough father figure” and that this, coupled with his fear of ridicule, lead to the “spiral of morbid, unending depression”. Surprisingly lucid for a sheep one might think.
The “rescue” concluded when the rookie fireman tried to take the sheep down the ladder. Both plunged to the ground, due to the fireman losing balance, and Sean died almost instantly when the man fell on top of him.
The death has sent waves of unrest through the community. Locals are now showing a lack of trust in the fire department after a school was burnt down during this sheep rescue incident. A local woman complained.
| “ | Whilst you were wasting time badly rescuing a sheep my son could have been killed! What are you doing to remedy your effectiveness and efficiency? I am going to sue! | ” |
On exactly what grounds she happens to be suing on remains undetermined at this point.
And not just in the human community. The livestock, too, have lost faith in the world.
| “ | He was such a good boy, so young and driven to do such a reckless thing. If I had my way the irresponsible man trying to “rescue” my son would be shaven and roasted on Sunday. | ” |
The disgruntled mother bleated over-looking the fact it was probably her fault.
A committee of sheep, calling themselves BLEAT (Badger Long Enough And Triumph), has been put together to try and raise awareness. They thought about using terror tactics due to the fact that whenever they visit market places they invariably end up dead anyway. However they discarded this idea shortly after realising that they may hurt somebody which is not their goal at all: “We fight for justice!” Sean’s father informed us.
It has been reported that across the country thousands of sheep are now threatening to jump off tall buildings with little chance of coaxing them out of it.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Someone seeking “the glamour of journalism” and failing to find it "Sheep gets stuck on roof of house" BBC, August 2, 2008