User:Optimuschris/SB

Overview

Contrary to popular belief, Jenna Jameson knows nothing about sucking balls.

Sucking balls are simple tools used to remove unwanted liquids in mechanical or construction applications. Sucking balls simply consist of a metal or hard plastic sphere with a rubber diaphram sealed to one side and a small hole in the opposite side. Earlier sucking balls were made with a wood casing and a sheepskin diaphram and some sucking ball enthusiasts prefer this design because they "feel better on my skin".(<-clean up this sentence) To operate the ball, the user merely positions the hole in the liquid he desires to remove and operates diaphram with his thumb, pressing down on the diaphram to expel air (or liquid) and releasing the diaphram to draw in the liquid. Since it is far more efficient to operate a ball in each hand than to leave one hand idle, sucking balls are always found in pairs. Said one construction worker, "I just don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything unless I've got a pair of balls in my hands." This construction worker may or may not have been part of The Village People.(add overly complicated diagram at right)

History

Sucking balls' origins are are unknown, though the earliest recorded reference dates back to (insert witty date here)when (somebody unexpected) wrote (something silly). A reference to sucking balls can also be found in the bible in the book of Matthew, chapter 12 verse 9: "Yea, when thou dost cast thine eyes upon the flooded earth, praise shall be given to Jesus for His divine gift of sucking balls". Experts have been able to determine that simple sucking balls predate the hammer by at least 2000 years, and most agree that sucking balls were the first tools used by man. While the earliest sucking balls were most commonly made out of wood, archeologists have uncovered several fossilized balls fashioned from bone while excavating an ancient settlement in Greece. Famed archeologist Indiana Jones commented on this discovery saying "I'm not surprised that when the Greeks were contemplating balls they immediately grabbed for bone". Some of the finest examples of early sucking balls can be found in the Louvre. The French have always been famous for their willingness to spare no expense when it comes to sucking balls. Louis XIV was known to keep a pair of jewel encrusted balls for use in the springtime when his back door entrance would flood. An interesting thing to note is that the only culture to have apparently never made use of sucking balls in any form are the Italians. "Whenever we need something sucked out, we just call a Greek. They always bring their own balls." said famed Italian Mario.

The Sucking Balls Prohibition and Conflict of 1632

Shortly after their arrival in America, the Puritans came to believe that sucking balls were tools of the Devil. They decided to outlaw sucking balls in their newly founded Plymouth Colony altogether, and set forth on a campaign to seize and destroy all sucking balls that they could find. The Native Americans were particularly affected by this as they had been employing sucking balls for centuries, not only for teepee maintanance, but also in many of their religious ceremonies. When news of this reached Chief Hairinteeth of the Hummerwinkie tribe, he was heard to remark "Oh no they didn't!" He immediately declared war on the Puritans and a great many lives were lost in the ensuing conflicts before the Hummerwinkie tribe eventually wiped out every last Puritan settler. Unfortunately the Hummerwinkie tribe was in turn devastated when they all contracted ghonorrea from the blankets they took as war trophies. These events led later settlers to coin the phrase "You may take our STDs, but you will never stop sucking balls". This phrase is emblazoned on the Massachusetts state flag and the recently minted Massachusetts state quarter, which also proudly brandishes an image of a Native American with a pair of balls in his hand.

Sucking Balls in art

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Contemporary Sucking Balls

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