User:Optimuschris/Jorg Von GermanGuy

Jorg. The Man. The Myth. The German.

...he is watching you.

Jorg Von GermanGuy was born into a multi-racial family. His father, Bruno Von GermanGuy, was a surprisingly straight yet timid ice-dancer with a wooden leg. Oh wait sorry, two wooden legs if you count... with a very high sex drive. His mother resembles a white Mr. T but imagine 'it' with boobs and a gigantic butt. Jorg was concieved in the public toilets of Tesco, maybe they were trying the English way? 1 week later, Jorg entered the world. Jorg came out of the *ahem* thing, with a full set of abs and pecs, and one insanely gigantic nose (with super powers)! Some say that Jorg is distantly related to James May and that his sister is Ugly Betty. Jorg is most commonly known for his huge nose, "magical abilities" and his unicycle skills. But he has also won the worlds strongest man eleven times in a row, apparently he can lift 3 JCB's and 12 smart cars, just with his nose!

Jorg's Early Life

His father, Bruno Von GermanGuy. Or is it his mother? I can never remember which.

From young ages Jorg had been seen doing push-ups with the following on his back: his sofa, his mum and dad, his dog, and his nasal-spray can (that's damn huge to you and me). He also saved his mother when she was involved in an accident. She had been roller-blading to work and she sped at the lights. Doing 10mph you'd think she'd be perfectly safe; wrong. She was even more likely to be hit, and she was, 7 times, all by lorries. Jorg, half a mile away, heard the commotion with his super-sonic hearing, and ran to the scene.

As Jorg was instinctively a doctor, he quickly put his hand down her throat and put all of her organs together and in the right place. He also found an earring and a lamp shade. 1 week later, Jorg became Sir Jorg Von GermanGuy. He also recieved a degree in... doctoring, in every form! The driver of the seven lorries? No other than Mrs Howells. Jorg's hobbies include:

• Ping-Pong
• Sheep whistling
• Running (on his hands with several Koala-bears strapped to each leg)
• Diving (into molten lava)
• Cow-tipping

Jorg's Nicknames - Past, Present and Future

Jorg Connor - After Jorg became the leader of the resistance

Jorg's Arch Nemesis

This is a typical Mrs Howells. Notice the extreme uglyness and lack of compassion.

Unfortunately Jorg was plagued by an evil dog named Mrs Howells. Her sole aim in life was to destroy and hurt Jorg. Many died trying to protect him from her foul B.O. and underarm hair. Unfortunately, no-one knows why she does this. Only the two of them can understand the horrid language they speak in. Many believe she wants a bigger nose so she can really see if she has BO or not, others believe she wants to swap hair with Jorg, making her hair silky smooth and his, curly and lice-infested.

The Origin of Mrs Howells

Every super-villain needs as origin, right? Right. Now if you're sitting comfortably, I'll begin. As a child, Jorg had an imaginary friend called Pit. Pit was created when Jorg discovered that his mother had freakishly long, thick and greasy armpit hair. As Jorg was above friendship, his mother thought, he imagined a very small yet hairy dog jump out of the woman's armpit. The two were friends for years, until one day. Jorg and Pit were running through a field when Jorg stumbled upon something. What could it be? Suddenly, it jumped on to Jorg and attached itself to his nose, the source of Jorg's magical abilities. A blinding light, and Jorg was fine. But where was Pit. Pit ran up to Jorg from nowhere, but he was now real. Soon Pit showed the same abilities as Jorg. The two formed a crime-fighting team. One day when the two were battling mutated Zac Efron, Pit fell into the same vat of toxic waste that had mutated Zac Efron. Pit lost his hair and his magic powers, and then became... EVIL!! Jorg never saw his friendly buddy again.

The Prince Charles Theory

Many beleive that Mrs Howells is actually Prince Charles, but in disguise. Many signs of this include:

• Aled is gay
• The monkey stole the cookie from the cookie jar
• I ain't gettin on no plane

Jorg Legend

There are many myths surrounding Jorg and his life. Here are a few:

• Jorg is actually a very rare type of carrot, sent down from heaven to discover what life is like as a human.
• Jorg is the Stig.
• Jorg cannot commit a crime.
• Jorg was the base of the Harry Potter series.
• Jorg's nose is the source of his powers.
• Jorg owns the UK and certain parts of Cuba.
• Jorg created the alphabet.
• Jorg is the founder of winter.
• Jorg has his own haircare and pig trough production line.
• Jorg was born in the lost city of Atlantis and it is actually hidden inside his nose.
• Jorg cannot age.
• Jorg has a son named Herbert who has no nose atall.

There are of course many, many more but nobody but Jorg himself knows them all...

Where Is Jorg Now?

The heart-breaking rumour is that Jorg was killed by the rather foul-smelling Mrs Howells, after she used her rancid armpit hair shooting device - The Pit-cannon -. Fortunately, this is not the case. Jorg escaped the sweaty hair by using his Harry Potter-like magical powers and fled to London. There, he underwent extreme plastic surgery (this doesn't really make sense when he could use his magical powers, but that's Jorg) and became... Gordon Brown. (That's a whole load of plastic!) Very soon Jorg will execute his plan to kill Mrs Howells and atleast 300 people will be the first to like Gordon Brown.

We know your secret now "Gordon". But it's fine because we all absolutly approve and understand. As you can see, Jorg's nose has not been modified, as this could result in the loss of his magical powers.

Please, Tell Me How I Can Help Beloved Jorg

First of all, Jorg doesn't need your help. You need his. This is mainly due to the fact he is currently in a relationship with Optimus Prime. If you want to help him anonymously, however, please send money or weapons to The Chris Moyles Show, W1N 4DJ. (Chris Moyles is an Alias sometimes used by Jorg to hide from Mrs Howells) There is however one thing that people say will work. If at the time when the plan is executed to kill Mrs Howells, everyone must rub their noses, sending good thoughts to Jorg. This will make his nose even bigger. Then using his magical powers, Jorg will fire nose hair at Mrs Howells' puny armpit hair.

Jorg And His Wonderful Nose

As you should know, Jorg hase a huge nose. He puts this down to his mum drinking when he was inside her vagina-womb. Jorg also suggests this to be the reason for him being regularly sexualy excited by noses (the bigger the better). This isn't to strange though, as nasal sexual intercourse is common in filthy Germany.

If it's good enough for Jorg it's good enough for me.

Jorg's Diet

Jorg's diet consists mainly of sweetcorn, the only food his Mrs Howells battered body can process asnymore. He takes it in either Nasaly or Analy, depending on what mood he is in. Sweetcorn being a staple food for him, he regularly sneezes it out. This is suggested to be his source of power. His poo consists of pure sweetcorn (as clean as when it went in). Many think that sweetcorn could be the key to getting rid of Mrs Howells and her smelly minge-odour once and for all!

Jorg Connor - Cyborg of the Future

In the year 2043, Stinky McPittraps, aka Mrs Howells and Jorg participate in a massive, gigantic, immense fight, leaving Jorg severely injured, after using aubergine against him. (This is like Jorg's kryptonite). As Stinky returns to her spaceship, as the whole world hates her now, the world's best scientists come together and recreate Jorg, using old mobile phones, courtesy of Envirofone. After months of recovery, Stinky McPittraps has been up to something. She has unleashed small Pittinators on the world, attaching themselves to an armpit, then controlling them and using them as her minions. But never fear, Jorg is forming an elite team of unique indaviduels, (immune to Pittinators) that will save the human race and finaly destroy the evil that is Stinky McPittraps! The team:

• Jorg
• Barrack Obamma
• JC (jeremy clarkson)
• Sir Campalot
• Fishlips
• MC Rodderz
• DJ EJ
• Cheeri-O
• Lord Bluetooth of Nigeria
• Hiro Nakamora
• Ali G
• Optimus Prime
• Gary Barlow

Jorg and the war/resistance

When Stinky declared war against Jorg and therefore the world, Jorg had to take drastic measures to ensure the survival of the human race. Soon the evil and ruthless Pittinators had taken over Africa, North America and most of Europe. Stinky launched an attack on the whitehouse, driving MR. Obamma to join the resistance, but with America now under Stinky's control the future looked bleak. With the sweetcorn supply running low Jorgs powers were decreasing and his grasp over the UK was weakening...

In 2046 Jorg and Barrack were alone in the savage plains of Birmingham, on the run from an elite squadren of H746351098735 Pittinators. The war was practically lost. Jorgs powers were weak and Obamma couldnt hold them off on his own. But then out of nowhere appeared Sir Campalot riding on rusting Tesco trolley pushed by several dwarves. Campalot quickly pulled out a can of Oust and oblitterated the Pittinators with ease. Shortly after this meeting Jorg, Barrack and Sir Campalot decided it was time to strike back, they travelled for many days; first they rode on albino goats to Wales where they persuaded DJ EJ to join their cause, from there they flew on giant paper aeroplanes to Scotland where Fishlips and MC Rodderz joined the resistance. The team of six then took the M4 to Japan where the legendary Hiro Nakamora was more then happy to help them bring down Stinky McPittraps, he teleported them to Jamaica where they saved JC from being eaten by a band of gangster snails, he was so gratefull that he joined the team and gave them the keys to his Arial Atom (you know the one that totally messed his face up in that episode of topgear). Finaly the resistance teleported to Nigeria, only to find that they were in the middle of a warzone...

Lord Bluetooth and Cheeri-O had been ambushed by Pittinators whilst on their way to Bluetooth's castle. They were cornered between two huge crates and the pittinators were closing in. Fishlips opened his mouth and launched a powerfull jet of water at Stinky's minions, they screamed as they disolved into balls of armpit hair. Lord Bluetooth took the resistance to his castle where he explained that McPittraps was a days walk away and that her armiess where enormous and smelt like rotten Ostrich eggs infused with dog waste and public toilets.

So this was it; the resistance against Stinky McPittraps and her army. The odds where in favor of Stinky, especially as Jorg was now powerless. But my friends, miracles can happen and this miracle came in the form of sweetcorn, crates and crates of sweetcorn, imported by Lord Bluetooth years ago but were left in his cellar and forgotten about. Within minutes Jorg absorbed the sweetcorn like two yellow hurricanes through his nose. And so the final battle began, Cheeri-O and DJ EJ destroyed the heavy pit-cannons whilst Sir Campalot, MC Rodderz and fishlips dealt with the foot soldiers. JC got in his Atom and had a jousting match with Stinkys son Arthur Pendragon and defeated him. Barrack was shot and could no longer fight, Hiro was captured by the Timelord Doctor Who and Jorg was unable to save them as he was having an arm wrestle with McPittraps (thats the way they deal with things where Jorg comes from). But at the last minute Ali G parachuted down, accompanied by Optimus Prime and Gary Barlow, they freed Hiro and saved Barrack just in time. With his team safe, Jorg was able to concentrate. The match lasted 7 hours and 34 minuted but eventually Stinky gave in and Jorg crushed her once and for all.

The Aftermath

So now you'll be forgiven for thinking "so everything was back to normal right?". Wrong. Although beaten in Nigeria, many beleive that Mrs Howells escaped far away into Fish Lips's ass. And seeing as FishLips only craps once every ten years, its still another 9 and a half till we can find out.