User:NewReference/Metallica
“Metallica? Never knew them personally, but I was their neighbor back in 1986. Charming lads they were, although I can't say much for that Danish nutbar. What was his name again...Ulfa?”
Metallica, aka "$™" (pronounced cha-ching - not to be confused with chk-chk-chk or Ka-Ching) are the most successful band, mining resource company & horticultural enterprise ever in the universe, lead by singer/guitarist/Cowardly Lion in the Wizard Of Oz/international terrorist James Hatfield with Diet Coke & Lemon sponsor/Cabbage Patch kid/casual percussionist Lars Ulrich. The band, who have been established for 26 years, attribute their longetivity to "conforming to current trends and producing music that appeals to deaf people, and also supplying the best pomegranate grafts that money can buy...mmyyyeahh!".
With over 1 billion album sales worldwide, although not a single person has ever admitted to owning a Metallica album (let alone buying one) brought forth by an occurance called DMP (Disappearing Money Phenomenon), which is thought to occur every five years, when fans hear that the next upcoming Metallica album is "a return to their old roots", and has "fast double bass…complex just like ‘Justice!’". Many scientists believe DMP to be a form of brainwashing, leading to the discovery of a microprocessor chip found embedded in Metallica’s 2003 album St. Wanker, which subconciously ordered fans to 'buy all the albums', and to 'defend the trashcan snare in all its glory’. Lars Ulrich vehemently denies the use of said chip, but thought it to be a great idea for future albums, and even apple rootstock grafts.
Ulrich was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'bang the trash' technique: whereas those before and after him became respected drummers by practicing and getting better, Ulrich took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a drumming God' approach. Ulrich is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while driving a car.
History[edit | edit source]
Early Days[edit | edit source]
Metallica - originally "Metallic", but due to James' obsession with adding "ARGHH" on the end of most words the band soon became "Metallica", formed in 1981 when James Hatfield placed an ad in the L.A. Times personals looking for "someone with a European influence willing to make hard noises with ambitions to be on top, must be hobbit-sized and willing to give up a failing tennis career. No fatties!". Lars Ulrich promptly responded to the ad, albeit for all the wrong intents and purposes. After a hefty sack beating, Hatfield set the virile Ulrich straight and quickly assigned him to the role of 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing', whilst Hatfield played guitar and placed best friend and 'beer getter' Ron McGovernment on bass-box, tax lodgments and utility bills. Soon enough, after a string of unsuccessful lead bassoon players, they found L.A. native and fiercely friendly redhead Dave Mustard and started off touring the L.A. club circuit under the name Farmer O’Hoolihan’s Keg O’ Beer Blast Mania, showcasing McGovernment’s skilled delivery as a keg tapper. It wasn’t until 1983, with low turnouts to their live shows, that they realized they needed a change in name and a change in style of music. For a short time they settled on Megadeth but thought the name to be too un-marketable, soon re-changing their name to Metallica, which was stolen by Lars from local rock-radio DJ and gutter transvestite Rooney ‘Runny’ Quindon, which originated from a lost wager by Quindon in which he had to lick dry the steel grating floor of the beer trough at the Whisky-A-Go-Go.
By June 1983 however, tensions within the band were at an all-time high. Mustard, who proclaimed himself to be originator, writer, formulator and proprietor of the band and music in general and thus the sole creator of the band’s newly discovered soup-thrash-metal genre, was clashing with every band member. Pre-show rituals for Mustard included starting head-butting fights with Hatfield, kicking around McGovernment’s dog, Ghost Mutt (a sound byte from said action was later sampled by cheesemeltcore band Ferocious Enemas’ song ‘Die, Fido, Die’), and pouring beer on Ulrich’s 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing', which promptly gave Ulrich an electric shock when he plugged it in to play. Despite his convictions, the band decided to keep Mustard in Metallica, as he was the only one with a car at the time.
Clifford ‘Red Dog Astro Turf’ Burton, aka The Baked Bass Blitzer, replaced Ron McGovernemt after James and Lars decided Ron was better suited to playing the role of 'beer getter' more than anything else. Cliff was known to not be human; in fact his being was totally comprised of bong resin and Cheetos, and occasionaly remains of Fritos.
Soon after Burton joined the band, Dave Mustard decided he had enough and wanted to start a better band, experimenting with the new junkie-bad-boy-metal sound, thus forming Megadeth (which was stolen by Mustard from Lars). They later found Kirk Hamster to fill in for Mustard, but high-rolling times were not the order of the day:
"After getting the phone call, a day later I arrived at the hotel in New York at noon only to find these three guys in the lobby dropping their pants for food, whilst singing the H.M.S. Pinafore light opera. It was a shambles - the lighting was all wrong, I just felt so...verklempt.."
- Kirk Hamster - Kerrang Magazine
Mustard to this day claims his entire musical input to have been ripped off by the band for their first three albums, stating that "...the only song they ever wrote up until 1988 was 'Escape' - I wrote the songs, I developed the image, and I shaped the genre. I loved Lars like nobody else could." To this day, Mustard still makes surprise appearances on stage with the band on occasion, usually without consent from the band or the venue security, and contests that the 'front-man' wars are far from over.
With Burton and Hamster in the fold, they released their debut album I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt in 1983, and slowly built a cult following with fans, releasing Lightning Can Kill – Avoid Riding It At All Costs! in 1984. Soon enough their popularity and street cred gained huge momentum, followed by the now-classic 1986 release Honk If You Love Fred Durst. Whilst on tour in Sweden, the band visited a flea market, where Cliff insisted on seeing a fortune teller. The revelations were scary, when by himself he asked if the band would still be around in ten years' time, he was shown visions of shortened mousse-styled hair, pimp suits, martinis and Leonard Cohen-influenced music. Abruptly, Cliff went AWOL and disappeared without a trace. To this day, Burton has been the most widely-featured missing persons photo on Logan Farms milk cartons, and a prominent feature on Robert Stack’s 'Unsolved Mysteries'. If you know the whereabouts of Clifford 'Red Dog Astro Turf' Burton please contact your local authorities.
Enter Newkid[edit | edit source]
The band, determined not to let Burton’s departure end the band, took onboard newcomer Jason 'Big Shoes' Newkid, and released the obscure Garbage Daze Re-Revivisected - Pay No More Than $..... It featured covers of Kraftwerk’s Autobahn and Kermit The Frog’s Rainbow Connection among other songs. Despite being quite an odd release, it went to #20 on the Billboard Bizarre-O/Crazy Charts and soon went out of print due to an unexplained fire at WEA’s record manufacturing plant.
Deciding to become a progressive rock band, Ulrich immediately took drum lessons, and teaming up with Phleming Ratmuffin, the biggest disco producer in Denmark at the time, released the complicated ...And Sputnik For Raul. Featuring 9 songs, each over 40 minutes in length per track in a 5 CD set, it was an immense change in direction for the band. Gone were the triangles and 'bottle-cap stick shaker things', and in its place were dry, distorted guitars, wet newspaper drums and a guest appearance by fecal-metal band Flock Of Shitting Seagulls. Rumors were rife at the time stating Newkid and Hamster did not appear on the album at all, but these myths were soon dispelled as Newkid can be heard muttering an order on the phone for Chinese food during Frayed Ends Of My Toaster Oven Lead, and Hamster can be heard on Browneye Of The Beholder arguing with Lars as to which shoes to wear to the Serengeti opera.
After the mammoth ...Sputnik tour of 1989, the band came to tire of playing the album’s lengthy songs live, sometimes performing for up to 72 hours straight in concert. Carefully calculating the formula for the ‘perfect song’, they hired well-known cock-rock producer Bob Crock for what became their fifth album, Snakes On A Plain Black Cover. Despite the fact this was the first album to use actual drums, bass and guitar musicianship, many fans felt alienated that the band took a drastic turn musically to compete with the likes of Paula Abdul and New Kids On The Block. Said Ulrich: “The first time we heard Step By Step by NKOTB we knew we had to "step" (Ulrich physically demonstrating the use of quotation 'glyphs' whilst his bangles jangle freely on his arms) it up a notch to compete for the number one spot in metal.” Songs such as Through The Neverland Ranch (Ode To Michael xxx), Enter Sandwich and Whenever I Phone Gary Cole were big hits with radio fans, but unfortunately most of the band’s core fanbase had left by this stage.
Whilst on their hugely successful Nowhere Else To Make Money Tour in 1992, Hatfield was burnt onstage by flash fireworks whilst acting out his part as the Cowardly Lion in their Wizard Of Oz theater segment of the show. He received third degree burns on his arms, hands and ass, forcing Lars to bathe him, feed him beans every night and wipe him after every leaving. The stress was taking its toll on the band and soon enough after 321 dates the band finished their tour in 1993, taking a break from music and theater and basking in the spoils of their riches - buying luxury mansions, Ferraris and other crazy expensive cars, expensive art crap, cocaine habits and homosexuality. The trappings of fortune and fame had finally caught up with the band.
To The Hairdresser, Leroy![edit | edit source]
In 1996 the band released Loaf, written entirely by Hatfield and Ulrich during the Great Meatloaf Wars of '77. The band cut their metal locks and sported pimp suits, fur coats, eyeliner, cock rings and high heels. The tour was the most unsuccessful stage tour in history, for every night in performance the stage caved in, shooting flaming wood at everyone, destroying the equipment and killing innocent people. Despite repairing and surveying the rigs every night, the same problem would happen, and no engineer could ever come to a conclusion as to why it did. In total, 23,435 innocent fans lost their lives on this tour. The lawsuits still continue to this day.
ReLoaf (More Meat Here!) saw the light of day in 1997, when Ulrich suggested taping Top 40 radio songs and playing drums over them backwards to appeal to the middle-aged demographic and to compete with Sting in heavy metal circles. Whilst not as musically strong as Loaf, the new radio fans ate it up like hungry lap-dogs and it quickly went to #2 on the Billboard Sell-Out Charts. Ulrich sunk into a deep depression because of its failure to hit the #1 spot. Garbage Inc. was duly released in 1998 as a desperate attempt to regain their old-school fan base, playing cover tunes such as Jeff Daniels’ Grandfather’s Hat, Steven Seagal’s Alligator Ass, and even covering their own song again; Enter Sandwich – Pt 2 (With Added Cowbell). The album was a commercial flop, even with the originally-deleted Garbage Days Re-revivisected... added on Disc 2 – but by this stage no one would book Metallica to play anywhere. With the band’s fortune dwindling, Metallica were slipping closer to bankruptcy. Hatfield spiralled deep into alcoholism, sometimes drinking up to a six-pack of beer a day.
Corporation, Inc.[edit | edit source]
To circumvent their ever-dwindling losses in the music industry, Metallica branched out into other avenues. The launch of their Mining Resources Company proved to be a major success for the Canadian mining industry, with iron ore as a trading commodity reaching an all-time high, no doubt a financial boon for the company’s growing number of share investors in the stock market. The corporation also extracts other precious metals, such as Black Sabbath, which has the properties of (Ti), Iron Maiden (Fe), which is apparently extremely flammable, and Led Zeppelin (Pb), which is radioactive, extremely heavy, and forms compounds capable of flight and speech.
2007 roll-call:
Lars 'Large Oilrig' Ulrich President & Chief Executive Officer
- - Over 30 years of experience in the mining industry, including senior management positions over the past 20 years.
James ‘All In A Day’s Work’ Hatfield Vice President, Chief Financial Officer & Secretary
- - Over 20 years of finance, tax and accounting experience, including senior management positions over the past 12 years.
Kirk 'Crisco' Hamster Office Telecommunications Consultant
- - Over 12 years' experience removing jammed paper from photocopiers. Entirely resistant to promotion and/or relevancy.
Robert 'In Da Mist' Gorillo Mascot and self-esteem boost for Hamster
- - 2 years of experience of having opposable thumbs. Played ape #4 in Tarzan 3: There Are Muthafuckin' Chimps in this Muthafuckin’ Jungle.
Among other successes, the launch of their independent chain of nurseries throughout the USA’s Midwest, Jump In The Flora, has seen potential growth by 26.5% pa since its establishment in 1999. Where else can you go for Cocos palms and rare hybrid petunia seedlings for less than half the price of their major competitors? With 21 outlets and growing, the business more than accommodates for the influx of illegal aliens entering the country looking for low-wage, cash-in-hand labour.
Branigan: Begin Again[edit | edit source]
In the fall of 2003, after 5 years in the booming horticultural and mining industries, Metallica released St. Wanker worldwide. Not many people know that the correct way to pronounce the title is rather cockney: "Sain' Wenkaehhhh!!!!", followed immediately with a headbutt and a kick to the groin of the person next to you. This is even a community tradition in the shire of Shadwell, London.
The sheer songwriting complexity is amazing, thanks to the help of Apple computer’s first prototype artificial-intelligence machine purpose-built for the recording sessions: the Sbaitso 3000. The songs were automatically cut and pasted, looped, synched and cropped to fit all on a CD’s length of 80 minutes worth of music. The Sbaitso 3000 also designed the artwork and packaging, marketing, press and manufacturing, and fed Lars’ cocaine habit as well. Said Ulrich; "I feel this is, umm... the next logical step in making music, from our humble chimp ancestors sorting tiny screws in space, to the, umm... Sbaitso 3000 producing, engineering and releasing an album in as little as six days."
Lars Ulrich did not actually play drums on any songs in St. Wanker. All Percussion sounds are made from audio clips of Lars Ulrich after he found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was truthfully, not butter. These audio clips were then dubbed into random songs in the album.
The other 2 years and 8 months spent making of St. Wanker were taken up with deliberating on who would be the next Metallica bassist: Bob Crock or shrink coach Dr. Phil "Constant Use" Towel. It was eventually decided neither would be suitable for the band and both were promptly shot out of a cannon pointed towards Providence, RI.
The newly teetotal guys from Metallica then hired a new bassist right from the jungles of Africa, Robert Gorillo, from the newly discovered gorilla-man species. He was offered the bass and his salary is unbelievably high: 1 ton of bananas a day.
Newkid had left the band two years before this, unhappy with the direction the Jump In The Flora chain of nurseries was heading; which involved the introduction of a new line of manures made directly from the contents of Ulrich’s septic tank as a way to cut production costs. He had also been offered a position as bassist for Canadian metallers VodVod, and thought it the right time to join a band that actually had some degree of musical talent.
There has always been a large debate over what Metallica's best song is: Frantic or Purify? Unfortunately, due to some strange trash can sounds that appear every time one listens to either song, the debate still rages on.
The...Future?[edit | edit source]
Throughout their career, they have always been too lazy to give songs real god damn names. Hence every new song they write is entitled The New Song, and nobody bothers to change it when they write another one. The apparent laziness had reached a new level on tour in 2006 when they released their The Other New Song (Woahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), in which they were too lazy to even write lyrics for the damn song. Hatfield explains it thus: "We're being original and a step ahead of every other band. Thinking outside the trashcan, we raise the bar for the whole metal genre...mmmyyeeeaaaahhh!!!"
Metallica are known at present to be in the studio writing and recording their follow-up to 2003’s abysmal St. Wanker. For the first time in twenty years they will be using conventional band instruments and analog recording equipment, plus rehearsing, practicing and writing decent songs under the careful eye of Rick 'The Holocaust Never Happened' Rubin. Sources say Ulrich may even return to the 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing' for old-time’s sake, but high hopes have been objectively shot down, as most of the waiting world have moved on to bigger, better and more inspiring advancements. Metallica in 2007 goes largely unnoticed in musical circles, yet remains unsurpassed in the fields of potting mix and open-cut mining.
In 2008, Metallica headlined the Leeds and Reading Weekend...which was nice of them.
Line-Ups[edit | edit source]
Current Members[edit | edit source]
- James Hatfield - Yodels, lederhosen, midlife-crisis tattoos, kooky reading glasses
- Kirk Hamster - Minoxidil, nail polish, buttplugs
- Robert Gorillo - Bone-clubs, tics
- Lars Ulrich - Spandex trousers, 'bottle cap stick shaker thing', AIDS
- Mr. Trashy the Trash Can - Drum
Past Members[edit | edit source]
- Ron McGovernment - Beer kegs, bills
- Dave Mustard - Evil ginger hair, heroin, scowls
- Lloyd Grunt - Token black man
- Cliff Burton - Talent, 'shrooms
- Jason Newkid - Blame-It-All Guy
- Kerry King - Beards
- Neil Peart - Drum Lessons
Discography[edit | edit source]
Albums[edit | edit source]
- 1983 - I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt
- 1984 - Lightning Can Kill – Avoid Riding It At All Costs!
- 1986 - Honk If You Love Fred Durst
- 1987 - Garbage Daze Re-Revivisected - Pay No More Than $....
- 1988 - ...And Sputnik For Raul
- 1991 - Can Anyone See My Snake?
- 1993 - Gold: Spandau Ballet's Greatest Hits
- 1996 - Loaf
- 1996 - Led Zeppelin IV
- 1997 - ReLoaf (More Meat Here!)
- 1998 - Garbage Inc.
- 1999 - BDS&M
- 2003 - St. Wanker/The album in which trash cans were used as drums.
- 2008 - This Is Going Back To Our Original Sound....We Really Mean It This Time (Expected to go 3x platinum in 1 hour)
Videos[edit | edit source]
- 1987 – Cliff, Where Art Thou? (feat. Ron McGovernment)
- 1992 - A Year And A Half In The Life Of Lars Ulrich (feat. Metallica...and Mr. Trashy the Trash Can's debut.)
- 1993 - Live Shit: Dumps Aplenty! We put trash cans to good use.
- 1998 - Stunning Cunts...with real drums
- 1999 - S&M: Kirk's Night Out in The Mission District - Uncut Vol. 1--No trash cans here, either.
- 2003 - OOOOOHHHHHHHHH What a good band we are, back from the brink of extinction it seems.
- 2004 - Some Kind Of Trash Can that goes BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG when you hit it with a stick six times.
- 2005 - Lars' Trash Can Vol 1, 2 & 3 (Part IV)
- 2006 - VH1: When Metallica Ruled Monday Night Football And Your Butt-Hole (feat. D. Mustard)
See Also[edit | edit source]
- James Hatfield
- Kirk Hamster
- Lars Ulrich
- Cliff Burton
- Dave Mustard
- Megadeth
- Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts