User:NeoZidane/Christmas
This is some kind of nativity play or what, under construction, yeah peace.
Chapter 1: It begins[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline: In the town of Nazareth twas a warm winters night, the wind was ticklish and light, and at a south-easternly direction, corresponding as you can see with the cold front coming, expect some thunderstorms in the early hours of next morning, thank you for listening.
HolyZidane: This ain't BBC for god's sake, we are speaking of the long told story of the birth of the great saviour?
angelicfeline: Well so-rry, pfft blaim me for trying to spice this thing up.
HolyZidane: Oi, this is supposed to be boring in order to contrast with the fun the toys and other stuff children NEED to be buying, get with the times.
angelicfeline: Are you sure you came from heaven?
HolyZidane: Ahem... *points to halo over bald head*
angelicfeline: Ok FINE, on with the play?
HolyZidane: Yes yes, where were you?
angelicfeline: The weather, I was about to introduce the sports
HolyZidane: (patronising) Erm, why don't we skip that and go to the part where God tells us something.
angelicfeline: K, yes, so God was sitting on his throne as always and texted us to come to him straight away. We say God but we just call him Oscar.
Oscar: CLD U PLZ CUM 2 MY PLCE, I GOT SUMMIN 2 TELL U 2
HolyZidane: What happened to your nice rhyming verse?
angelicfeline: ...meh
HolyZidane: Indeed, so Oscar told us to come to Him, he told us with great authority (he is God after all)
Oscar: I think in creating man, I somewhat overestimated my ability, so I need to make them behave a bit. We got Jews there right now yes?
angelicfeline: I guess, head banging 'an all.
HolyZidane: Sorry Oscar, but behave? How?
Oscar: Well the plan be a simple one, I send a messiah down, just to confuse them a bit, some will believe him, some won't, then I'll send another one in... ooh, about 500 years, I'll make that one a terrorist too.
angelicfeline: ...
HolyZidane: .......
Oscar: You are angels, I am God, so you can shove your dotdotdots up your holy arse. Now, I want you to go tell Madonna -she looks nice and religousy-, tell her she's gonna have a cool baby that can do magic tricks, and tell her to name him Jesus.
HolyZidane: Jesus?
Oscar: At least it rhymes with Las Vegas.
angelicfeline: Las Vegas?
Oscar: Some city I'm gonna make in a few centuries, loads of drugs, corruption, lives ruined, coveting of money, you know the deal.
HolyZidane: :|
Oscar: What is it with those emoticons of yours?! STOP IT, THIS ISN'T SOME IRC CHAT ROOM
angelicfeline: Well actuall-
angelicfeline was kicked from #heaven@irc.heaven.net by Oscar (reason: DAMNATION)HolyZidane was kicked from #heaven@irc.heaven.net by Oscar (reason:DITTO TO YOU)Chapter 2: To Nazareth!!! (@irc.earth.net)[edit | edit source]
HolyZidane: Woopsy, Oscar is pissed.
angelicfeline: Well we better tell Madonna that magic baby thing.
HolyZidane: Why? All heaven is Oscar just telling us of his crazy ideas about making the Earth.
angelicfeline: Are YOU crazy? They got free cable up there! And a 24/7 all you can eat buffet.
HolyZidane: Yeah but theres no meat in HeavenFriedSalad
angelicfeline: Oi you shut it, anyway, we need to go to Nazareth now, tell Madonna blahblah.
HolyZidane: Hold on a minute, my username isn't registered on irc.earth.net, lemme just register.
angelicfeline: Oh honestly come on.
HolyZidane: What is it you need to type? /msg chans-
angelicfeline: Don't make me smite you with thunder.
HolyZidane: Eep. don't worry! Got it, yeah ok let's go!
angelicfeline joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netHolyZidane joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: I'll just stand here and watch
angelicfeline: Why not come with me? Two angelic spirits are better than one as they say.
HolyZidane: Well er- I-
angelicfeline: Oh I know, you can't cut it when it comes to human girls can you?
HolyZidane: NO, it's jjust erm yes well LOOK, IT'S SATAN!
angelicfeline: You think I'm gonna fall for that?
HolyZidane: NO REALLY, THERE RIGHT THERE!!!! OH MAN NOW IT'S GOING
BillGates left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (VISTAAA)angelicfeline: Anywaay, I'm going now, to tell Madonna, you behave.
angelicfeline left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (you better)MarcoMaterazzi joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Oh I will.
Chapter 3: An angel enters </bad chapter title, not witty at all... tut>[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline started private messaging with Madonna@irc.earth.netangelicfeline: erro, I'm an angel
Madonna: O RLY?
*angelicfeline does angely stuff*
Madonna: Oh would you look at that, an angel.
angelicfeline: Oh, you aren't scared? Amazed?
Madonna: Nope :)
angelicfeline: Hmph, anyway, Osca- I mean God likes you, and is happy with you, so he's going to send some sperm over to you and you are gonna have a cool baby that can do magic tricks, you need to call it Jesus.
Madonna: Ewww, like TMI
angelicfeline: Just do it, puriiiizu?
Madonna: mmkay
angelicfeline: Ok, cool, gotta erm well go and and save the universe, yeah let's go with that, cya.
angelicfeline left private messaging with Mary@irc.earth.netMadonna: Oh god how am I gonna tell all this to my beloved fiancé, Joseph L. Jackson...
Chapter 4: Going to Bethlehem[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netMarcoMaterazzi: I dont-a care-a if-a you-a are-a an angel-a, I still-a rathea have-a your-a sister-a.
HolyZidane: O RLY?
MarcoMaterazzi: YA-A RLY-A
*HolyZidane headbutts MarcoMaterazzi, it is super effective! -50HP*
MarcoMaterazzi left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (still-a your-a sista-a LOL-A!!!!)HolyZidane: GRRR IM GONNA GET THAT BAS-
angelicfeline: ahem
HolyZidane: BA-BA-Blessings and put them on all of God's people.
angelicfeline: So the story goes on, and King Ballmer of the lands declares a census for everyone to be counted, so Joseph L Jackson must take Madonna, pregnant with Jesus to Bethlehem to be counted.
Madonna: Please I'm tired from carrying this baby, can we stop now? Bethehem can wait for a wittle bit?
JosephL: I AM TIRED OF THAT MOTHERUFKCING MESSIAH IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING WOMB
Madonna: Well I can't really argue with God's will now can I?
JosephL: Actually I dare God to come down here, I DOUBLE DARE HIM MOTHERFUCKER, LITERALLY A MOTHER-FUCKER
Oscar joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netOscar: AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY KICK COMMAND UPON THEE
JosephL was kicked from #nazareth@irc.earth.net by Oscar (reason:motherfucka)Oscar left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (I'm God lol)JosephL joined #nazareth@irc.earth.netJosephL: Hey that was my mothafucking line! Well I guess we have to go to Bethlehem huh, come on Madonna.
Madonna: mmkay, God... w00t
JosephL left #nazareth@irc.earth.netMadonna left #nazareth@irc.earth.netChapter 5: To teh census![edit | edit source]
Madonna joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netJosephL joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netJosephL: Hello, could me and my fiancé book a room for the night.
Sannse: I'm sorry, but we are full there's no serve- i mean rooms available, all taken.
JosephL: What? No motherfucking rooms? Why?!
Sannse: Well, it's always busy here at Christmas.
JosephL: Chris- what? Anyway, haven't you motherfuckers got anywhere at all to sleep?
Sannse: Well there is the tool shed out bac-
JosephL: Good, one shed for two please.
Sannse: Congratulationsfor the baby err-, your name?
Madonna: Madonna
Sannse: Oh yes, should have done /whois, congratulations to you too Mr Jackson
JosephL: Me? That's not my motherfucking baby.
Sannse: Oh, but isn't he your fiancé?
Madonna: Well yeah, but I didn't have this baby with no man.
Sannse: Now that is interesting, power to you! I'm one too.
Madonna: Sorry? Whatever do you mean?
JosephL: Well we will be going now, may you show us to the shed?
Sannse: Oh of course, anything for a fellow-
HolyZidane: So they went to the barn, where Madonna fell into labour.
Madonna: HOLY MOSES THIS HURTS!!!
JosephL: Come on dear, you're doing pretty mothafuckin good, whilst you are in intolerable labour and cursing loudly, what do you think we should name the baby?
Madonna: JESUS CHRIST!!!
JosephL: Oh come on man, stop swearing for once and tell me the name of the mothafuckin baby!
Madonna: THE NAME IS JESUS MOTHERFUCKIN CHRIST YOU IDIOT
JosephL: I like it, has a kinda nice ring to it, but I can't fit that on the birth certificate, I'll abbreviate mothafuckin to H.
angelicfeline: And then the baby was born, it was a magic baby and can do magic tricks.
HolyZidane: Pfft this is starting to sound like a stupid thing for children.
angelicfeline: But it is a stupid thing for children.
HolyZidane: Touché, so then I went and talked to the shepards just so some people can see the magic baby Jesus, aren't I just the best at marketing plans?
angelicfeline: What about that time when you tried to spread the "good" word to those Kangaroos? Didn't you need surger-
HolyZidane: SO I WENT TO THE SHEPARDS, MARKETING PLAN, MAGIC, WHATEVER
HolyZidane left #the_inn@irc.earth.net (THEY WERENT KANGAROOS, THEY WERE... WELL, KOALAS)Chapter 6: Shepards (exclamation mark)[edit | edit source]
HolyZidane joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)HolyZidane: Hello? Anyone here?
Mhaille: Noone can actually be HERE, this is an IRC room. :P
Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Ok well I'm looking for some shepards, seen any around here?
Olipro left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netMhaille: Well you can't actually see anything here, this is an-
HolyZidane: YES YES OK, erm, are there any users logged into this room, who also happen to have a profession of the sheparding kind?
Mhaille: There are many people here, lest we /whois the whole list of people logged onto this channel.
Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Can't they just hear what I am saying and say "I am a shepard?"
Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Mhaille: Hmph true say. Well, shepards, hmmmm.
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netCodeine: Well I'm a shepard, kinda, well-
HolyZidane: Do you work with sheep?
Codeine: Yes, although its more of a pleas-
Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Good enough for me, I just need to show off some magic baby that's gonna save the world to people, you know how it is.
Codeine: Oh? Who's the parents?
HolyZidane: Just one. The mother, Madonna.
Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Codeine: One? What no guy di-
HolyZidane: Yep
Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netMhaille: Bloody weird.
Codeine: Well it is a mad world, everyone just doing their thing, I enjoy MY thing, but yeah, then some bald angel comes and tells you to look at some magic baby.
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: So you set Codeine?
Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Codeine: Yeah I guess.
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Good, I might need 1 or 2 more.
Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)HolyZidane: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS OLIPRO FELLOW?????!!!!@£$%@£$^%$^oneoneoneoneeleventyeleventyeleven
Mhaille: Well he's a bugger, dodgy connection.
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)HolyZidane: HELP MY EYES ARE BURNING
Mhaille: How can your eyes burn purely from looking at this? THATS BAD SCIENCE LUD
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Codeine: Oh man. Were we go again.
Mhaille: Actually I have something to tell you Angel.
HolyZidane: What?
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Mhaille: You would be very interested in this, what I have to say.
HolyZidane: SPIT IT OUT BEFORE SUNRISE WILL YOU?????
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Mhaille: Well I can;t actually spit over a channel like that, it's physically impossible, the su-
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)HolyZidane: SPIT IT OUT BEFORE I SEND YOU TO HELL, AND TRUST ME, I CAN DO THAT FROM BLOODY STUTTGART
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Mhaille: Ok, I am actually a shepard too.
HolyZidane: THANK YOU, now I only need one more.
Mhaille: Olipro is a shepard as well!
HolyZidane: It took you that long to think?
Mhaille: Well as you can see, he is a bit, well busy with some problems.
Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.netOlipro_ Watch C4!!!!!!
HolyZidane: Ok you three you are coming with me.
Codeine Come? I most certainly do not want to do that? I only come with my sheep thank you very much.
Mhaille: Yeah, all 247.5 of them
Olipro_ You sure you counted right? I mean it closed on the DOW JONES at 400
HolyZidane left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Mhaille left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Codeine left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)Chapter 7: Meanwhile angelicfeline placed a star in the sky to guide some wise men to come arrive at Jesus' place downtown in the crib manger... thing[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline: come on dammit, damn cheap Argos stars, only 40 watt, not even Oscar could see this. Ah there, finally.
AHitler: Achtung, look my fellow vise men! It ist a staren!
Norrismeister: Ya think I can roundhouse it from here?
T: I pity the foo' who don't follow dat star.
Norrismeister: Agreed Mr T
T: Hey hey, First name Mr, middle name 'period', last name T!
Norrismeister: You want your face to end up in a tree a few hundred miles from here? but your body is still standing here?
T: You know what I pity YOU fool!
AHitle:r guysen guysen, War iz nefer ze anzwer, you needs to be gut ja?
YeOldeFedExe Delivery person guy: Delivery for a Mr A. Hitler?
AHitler: Ja, das ist mich. Oooh, must be my application reply for ze art schule.
Norrismeister Well, Adolf, what's it say?
AHitler: NEIN, IT SAYS I AM TOO SOFT NEEEEIN
T: We gotta pity that school you know, y'all know that?
AHitler: Ja, the applicant officer iz a Jew! We get him first ja? TO ZE SCHUUUUULE
Norrismeister: Yeah, haven't done some good kickin for a good while, children would be some good small and fast targets.
angelicfeline: uh oooh, this is being baad
Chapter 8: The cute scene[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netHolyZidane joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netOlipro joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netCodeine joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netMhaille joined #the_inn@irc.earth.netHolyZidane: Where's your dudes?
angelicfeline: They, erm got lost.
HolyZidane: Well I guess my 3 are enough, ok, you three, go tell the baby, and the parents, that God is happy for this magic baby, yaddah yaddah yaddah kapesh?.....
Olipro left #the_inn@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)HolyZidane: THERE WASN'T EVEN A BLOODY NICK TO COLLIDE WITH
Mhaille: Well I got it. Except for the part we tell, you cant tell over IR-
HolyZidane: DAMMIT TYPE TO THEM THEN, HAPPY?
Mhaille: Yes quite happy now thank you.
Codeine: I guess I'm ready, so well let's go tell the magic baby. Wait, can't they see you?
angelicfeline: We got special, erm invisibilty suits
HolyZidane: Yeah, personally specific
angelicfeline: yep what he said
Olipro joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netCodeine joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netMhaille joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netCodeine: Greetings Madonna, and Mr?
JosephL: Joseph Motherfucking L Jackson
Codeine: Ok Mr... erm fuck mother, we bring a message from the Lord dude.
JosephL: Izzat true motherfucker?
Mhaille: Well yes, you see the Lo-
AHitler joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netT joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netNorrismeister roundhouse kicked in the door of #toolshed@irc.earth.netNorrismeister: Sorry, has a little...
AHitler: Distraztion.
Madonna: What's with the red stuff?
AHitler: Ze distraztion waz err erm
T: At a pitied Ketchup factory! Yeah dat was da place.
Everyone: Ketchup?
Oscar joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netOscar: Some sauce im gonna make in a millenium or two, good with some chips, lovely jubbly.
Oscar left #toolshed@irc.earth.net (LOL my plan is working)AHitler: Ve followed ze star, and are here as representatives of King Ballmer, iz zis ze magic baby?
Codeine: Yep, it did a card trick for me a few minutes back.
T: Well we bring to this baby, three gifts I give Pity, (but of course).
Norrismeister: I give a roundhouse kick in the ass.
AHitler: Und I bring ze total holocaust.
Mhaille: Erm, are you really sure that's, well fitting for a baby messiah.
AHitler: Vell yes I zee, quite harshen, very vell, I give Jesus zis... erm
T: How bout this old thing I got while we were at the school, I mean Ketchup factory
AHitler: Ah yes, this blackboard.
Mhaille: Blackboard?
AHitler: Yes, a messiah needs to plan hiz plan for ze world saving ja? And have this... ach ermm
Norrismeister: Look what I found under the shelf!
AHitler: And this chainsaw! For ze erm.....
JosephL: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING WISE MEN, IN THIS MOTHERFUKCING TOOLSHED
Mhaille: Well can we finish our message now?
JosephL: Hurry the fuck up motherfucker.
Mhaille: Well I don't actually fornicate with my moth- well Madonna, you made the magic baby, and God is happy, kk?
Madonna: mmkay
Mhaille: Thank God, lets get the fuck out of here.
AHitler: And we need to report all this back to our King Ballmer.
Everyone left #toolshed@irc.earth.net
Chapter 9: In the king's palace...[edit | edit source]
angelicfeline: So the three not-so-wise men came to the throne of King Steve Ballmer, the furious and anti-google King of Syria
Everyone: google?
Oscar joined #toolshed@irc.earth.netOscar: The real saviour of the earth, coming in the 1990s
Oscar left #toolshed@irc.earth.net (LOL God is teh cool)angelicfeline: for all the kiddies, please cover your ears open them to learn what adults really say at night:P
King Ballmer: I'll fucking kill™ that chair, I've done it before and I'll do it again
Dr. DiZ: Calm down king, that chair did nothing dawg. I mean you already vowed to like kill 786 things, and it's only breakfast!!
King Ballmer: DO I CARE? NO!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!
King Ballmer: ....™!!!!
T joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.netAHitler joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.netNorrismeister joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.netKing Ballmer: What do you three idiots fucking want!?
T: King foo' we got some news from Bethlehem, and you aint gonna like this, and looking at your pitiful mood today, chairs are gonna fly for sure.
'Norrismeister: It's Jesus, people claim he is a magic baby and is the king of the Jews, glory yadda yadda.
AHitler: Jews???? ACHTUNG!!
King Ballmer: New king huh? Thinks he's gonna take my fucking throne?
King Ballmer: Where's my fucking chairs? HUH?
Dr. DiZ: Well, you threw them all out the win-
King Ballmer throws Dr. DiZ out of the win
Dr. DiZ left #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.net(DOOOOOOOOOooow....*crash*King Ballmer: I'm going to fucking kill™ him, I've done it before and I'll do it again, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL™ JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!neoneoneoneoneoneoneonoeneoneleventye;eeotirsen;o*&%*(&·°‡fl*&·fl›fi·°‡fi°‡fifl¶•§•ª&ËÒÌÌØÈÏÚØÓÈøπ
.... to be continued?