User:Medea/English teacher
“They scare the shit out of me!”
“She's, like, a total bitch, and she hates me.”
“Why the hell ain't they learned my kid how to read and write yet? Ain't my taxes paying their salary?”
In the year A.D. 666 Satan spawned the unholy abomination otherwise known as the English teacher. In order to form these freaks of nature, the Dark Lord sent his demons to the deepest, dankest corners of the academic world, seeking only the flakiest, most socially backward nutjobs ever to crawl out of a 19th Century British Lit class. He mixed the DNA from these life forms with the DNA of spineless jellyfish and generated a hideous creature resembling the snake-haired Medusa of Greek mythology (although not nearly as hot).
Taxonomy of English Teachers[edit | edit source]
English teachers can be male or female, young or old, big or small, alive or undead; in short, they come in all varieties. However, these varieties do possess some common characteristics, most notably an irrational abhorrence of 1st-person pronouns in formal essays and the supernatural ability to sense a 14-year-old using a cell phone in a darkened auditorium. Otherwise, the species Educatorus Anglicus can be divided into the following sub-species:
The Grammophile[edit | edit source]
Grammophiles possess a creepy, unnatural fetish for correct grammar. Unable to satisfy their perverse urges in a traditional classroom setting, where dangling participles and passive voice verbs abound, most grammophiles seek pleasure in more clandestine locations, particularly dark, smoky coffee houses where bearded men and hairy-legged women sit about, eating biscotti and discussing Marcel Proust.
On spring and summer breaks, grammophiles frequent these shadowy locations on a near-daily basis, voyeuristically gratified by hearing strangers correctly use the word whom. Students with an aptitude for grammar should hide it at all costs, for fear of becoming the object of the grammophile's sick, sentence-diagramming fantasies.
The Pronoun Nazi[edit | edit source]
Although all English teachers were raised with a deep-rooted hatred of the pronoun I, a Pronoun Nazi will commit heinous atrocities in the name of cleansing a paper of all traces of first-person point of view. Even a collective we, intended to unite humanity into a common category, can fall prey to a Pronoun Nazi's bloody penstroke.