User:Mattityahu/Friends With Benefits
“Do you want to try the worst idea imaginable?”
“All sex, no emotions. I'm in!”
“Can we just have sex all the time and nothing else?”
Friends with Benefits are two friends who decide, against all logic and historical precedent, to try to have a strictly sexual relationship without any emotional entanglement. These two poor souls have convinced themselves that sex is purely mechanical and will have no lasting effects and certainly not change the nature of the relation they previously had with one another.
Friends with Benefits are really not friends at all. They weren't friends before, they're not friends during and they won't be friends after. They wouldn't invite each other to a laser tag party or to come over on a Thursday afternoon to watch Maury and eat popcorn. If they can't even do the most basic friend activities together they shouldn't call each other "friends." They should really be called Two People Who Only Hook Up Because One Won't Make a Commitment, Hint: It's the Guy (TPWOHUBOWMAC,H:ITG). This phraseology was first used on the Jersey Shore but the producers felt that it lacked the same cultural sophistication that DTF, GTL, and Fist Pumping brought to the show.
The Pattern of All FWB Relationships[edit | edit source]
There is a standard pattern which all FWB relations follow:
- The Proposal of said relationship (usually by the guy or the freaking coolest girl in the universe)
- The Hook Up Phase (by far the best phase of any relationship)
- The Awkward Phase (usually overlaps with the previous phase, lessing it's awesomeness)
- The Abrupt Cut-Off (like ripping off a band-aid, you only pretend it hurts less this way)
- The Remission (you thought it would be that simple?)
- The End of Any Semblance of Civility (when both parties hate anything and everything related to their former partner)
The Proposal[edit | edit source]
As if being friends weren't enough of a benefit, the male party is usually the one to initiate a physical relationship. The female party, seeing this as an obvious proposal of marriage, will usually accept because it could turn out to be something more. It probably won't. But it could. I mean you don't know. Do you know? What do you know? Tell me what you know now.
Once the arrangement has been set and the illusion is complete, the couple can now move on to the next stage.
The Hook Up Phase[edit | edit source]
This is why you got into this mess, right? The hook up phase is really good at first. So good it makes you think it's all worth it. Your FWB will often be more adventurous than your standard girlfriend or boyfriend because they have nothing to lose. Except their dignity. And every ounce of self-respect. But other than that, there's really nothing to lose. Trysts can happen anywhere with your FWB. Their bed, your bed, other people's beds...No place is off limits. In fact, your only worry during the hook up phase is how to conduct yourself when the deed is done. The girl will try to cuddle. The boy will try his hardest to reciprocate. And by reciprocate I mean extend his arm in a locked position and try with every ounce of his being not to object and throw your little bitch worthless piece-of-shit self out of the bed entirely. STOP SMOTHERING HIM!
The Awkward Phase[edit | edit source]
Friends with Benefits often don't speak for days at a time. It is during these periods that they convince themselves that they are not attached and they can stop whenever they want to. These periods of silence can be awkward. I mean, I see you on Gchat right now. I'm only on Gchat because I can't leave my house because I may run into you. I would rather walk 10 miles on flaming hot coals, swim in lava and bike down the Alps with no helmet than see you unplanned in broad daylight. See, I just completed one of the most dangerous triathlons ever just to avoid you. I'm not attached.
The Abrupt Cut-Off[edit | edit source]
Do you guys hear that? Listen carefully. It’s beautiful. So harrowing, yet soothing. Loud, yet faint. Rousing yet still serene. It’s the SOUND OF NOTHING HAPPENING. One day your FWB will just disappear. He (or she...but really he) will stop IMing you, texting you and even tweeting @ you. You'll know he's (dammit, or she's) still around though. Newsfeed updates will arrive periodically reminding you that not only does your FWB not care about you anymore, but they have also gotten a new job, attended 4 weddings and checked into multiple tapas places on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It's okay though...you'll always have those 3 weeks when he completely mistreated you and used you while taking advantage of your fragile emotional state which is now teetering on the brink of suicide. No one can take that away from you.
The Remission[edit | edit source]
The End of Any Semblance of Civility[edit | edit source]
Similar Relationships[edit | edit source]
There are many different types of relationships that people can create to totally fuck up their lives and FWB is only one. Some of these wonderfully self-destructive relationships are listed below.
