User:Llama-Llover/Tom's Pancake House

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So many choices, so little time

Since the earliest days of the Tom's Pancake House, we have been serving costumers the best food their money can buy. However, we consider all American money to be counterfeit.


Original building of Tom's Pancake House as it appears today.

The founder of Tom's Pancake House, Yu Luk-Il (Tom), was an immigrant from North Korea who fled after the family of his schoolmate Kim Jong-Il began to rise to power. Because he didn't want to be the last rat to jump ship, he immigrated to the United States on a small boat made from maple and oak wood.

"Kim Jong-Il would steal your lunch money, your girlfriend, and your underwear", recalls Tom. "I knew that if he ever came to power that people would be lining up to wipe his butt so that they wouldn't have to die through scaphism. I had to get outta there."

However in their rush to leave, Tom's party neglected to store adequate food or fuel and ran out of both about 285 miles off the U.S. coast. The boat's cook, assuming maple wood to be similar to maple syrup, soon began to make pancakes from planks on the deck of the boat.

"They were rough at first," recalls Tom, "but soon everyone was devouring them. I got the recipe from the cook and decided to make a career out of spreading the merits of fiber-rich pancakes."

Soon Tom opened his first establishment (later purchased and redecorated by a local religious organization) in the largest building he could afford.

"The building was many times larger than the ones back in Korea.", says Tom, "I figured people would be flocking to such a large establishment." However, when the customer base didn't emerge, Tom soon moved to larger accommodations.

Sadly, Tom soon had to sell his establishment to his three only customers because he irreparably injured his back lifting a maple log to make his pancakes.

"I hated to sell them the place, and at first I didn't like the menu changes that the new owners made," noted Tom, "but the biscuits and gravy really grows on you."

Authors Note: To make room for his expansive mansions, palaces, and concubines, Kim Jung-Il moved nearly every North Korean family into out houses, crypts, and tree hollows. Therefore Tom's choice of an initial building is not surprising in context.


A pancake? Maybe?

Though it is rare, we still get the occasional customer coming into our restaurant, hoping to consume a warm, delicious, home-made pancake. Sadly, we are forced to turn them away, as our traditional pancake tends to be harder than an airline roll, and approximately half as edible.

Apparently, most people are under the impression that the name of our restaurant has something to do with what we pride ourselves in making. We find this funny.


A waffle? Maybe?

Our specially-made “waffles” are only waffles in the sense that they have dents in them, and, if you are hungry enough, you could eat one. They are also kind of fluffy.

While creating the “waffle” recipe, we made an important discovery: anything can taste good if it has enough butter and syrup on it. Butter is stocked plentifully on each table, which contributes wonderfully to the waffle experience.

Also, on each table you will find two five-gallon syrup jugs: one is maple flavored; the other we have determined tastes vaguely of plums, after taking a vote. Together, butter and syrup can make our waffle taste as good as any other.

Biscuits and Gravy[edit]

Biscuits and gravy? Maybe?

Have you ever opened your fridge and looked in the back somewhere, discovering a countainer full of leftovers from eight months ago? And now it has developed into a living, breathing, thinking life form? If so, you have a basic idea of what our biscuits and gravy are like.

Do not be surprised if, during your meal consumption, one of the biscuits crawls off your plate, yelling obscenities at you. Just make sure to tip the waiter a little extra, for the mess you've caused by ordering such a troublesome dish.

Bacon? Maybe?


Our bacon looks deceptively like real bacon. Heh.

See, we don't actually know what's in your bacon. We figure it has something to do with meaty substance of some sort. Otherwise, it wouldn't make a sizzling sound when we put it on the grill.

Chef's Surprise[edit]

This special dish originally donned its name from the looks of surprise on our costumer's faces when we serve them this dish. "What is this?" they usually ask, or "Where the hell am I?"

Moral: Just eat it.

Nothing, Thanks, I'm Fine[edit]

Nothing... what did you expect?

Surprisingly enough, this seems to be our most popular dish, despite the fact that it is not actually listed on the menu. Basically, we just give our happy costumer an empty plate, then charge them for a full meal. If they argue in even the slightest way, all our waiters laugh simultaneously, in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin after he enslaved Eastern Europe. This makes our poor costumer tremble with fear.

Then we steal their wallet.

Leaving Already?[edit]

Not surprising.

See Also[edit]