User:Kotra/Nougat
Nougat is a soft, putty-like rock formation composed of quartz, dolomite, sugar, and occasionally almonds. It is used as a rocket fuel when refined and a fertilizer for nitrogen-deficient soils. It is currently being used by the coalition forces in Iraq as a substitute for nuclear weapons. Nougat is toxic to humans.
Properties[edit | edit source]
Nougat was known to the ancient Sumerians as ee ecky thump, loosely translated as "the pus of cosmos". This is probably due to its chalky, yellow-white color and quantum singularity-like qualities. However, it is very viscoelastic when heated above 12 kelvin (230°F). It leaves a trail of slimy mucus behind it wherever it goes. The half-life is 37 hours.
Formation[edit | edit source]
Like many naturally occurring rock formations that release clouds of tiny spores, nougat is most commonly found near deposits of copper ore. Nougat accounts for approximately 6% of material recovered in copper mining, claiming the lives of thousands of copper miners every year. Luckily, nobody cares about copper miners, and so their deaths go unnoticed, like leaves in the cool autumn breeze.
Toxicity[edit | edit source]
Nougat is toxic to humans and other primates.[1] Upon consumption, thousands of tiny nougatbots scurry around in your blood vessels like a bunch of screaming little children in an amusement park. "What's that?! I want to go slide down that capillary! Mommy, buy me a platelet!!" they seem to shriek urgently, over and over when I try to sleep. I will slice out their hearts with my valiant cutlass. Anyway, within minutes the nougatbots undergo a process of rapid decompression, resulting in explosive vomiting, soon followed by explosive explosion. These explosions have been known to destroy an entire 1/64th of a football field, or a small cottage.
The spectacular and exciting reactions in the human body from nougat have resulted in its use as a poison and after-dinner entertainment throughout history. Some historians believe it was the fateful poison administered to the third Duke of Hazzard, Archibald Whimsical Trousers IV, whereupon he vomited so violently that many of his internal organs cascaded out onto the floor, making loud splattering noises. He then exploded.[2]
History[edit | edit source]
Smuggled into the White House during prohibition by bandleader Xavier Nougat, the eponymous substance was rumored to be taken only for "medicinal purposes" by first lady Dolly Parton.
More recently, nougat has been discovered being sold in otherwise normal retail stores, presented as a confection. This phenomenon has been largely ignored by the media, but Interpol and the Knights Templar have begun investigations. The Candy Mafia is probably to blame, according to Professor Emeritus, Magna Cum Laude, Habemus Papam John Hodgman. Investigations are expected to be concluded tomorrow morning, at the exact moment when you will be fast asleep, dreaming about your high school crush stomping on your face with fish-boots. They are boots that are made of fish.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ N. Ron Hubbard, Rapid Oxidation Catalysis in Nougat-fed Gibbons or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Exploding Animals in the Name of Science, Bantam Books.
- ↑ Geoffrey "Orangutan Smasher" Chaucer, Complete text of The Canterbury Tales.