User:Kippy/UnNews:Bill O'Reilly interviews President Obama
Hours before the kickoff of Super Bowl XLV (SPOILER: My team won.), President Obama sat down to a special interview with conservative writer and host of The O'Reilly Factor, Bill O'Reilly. While UnNews in usually not one to whore out news organizations that are funnier than us, we are proud to present the interview transcript:
Opening[edit | edit source]
Welcome to the No-Spin Zone, Super Bowl Pre-Game Show edition. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Today I'll be interviewing President Barack Obama. Before I bring him out, I want to clarify some comments I made on Friday that seemed to have caused a stir. No, I don't literally believe the President is a demon who sustains himself on the collective abortions and white guilt sentiment in the United States. It was a figure of speech.
Now without further ado, President Barack Obama. Mr. President.
Obama: Thanks, Bill. So, uh... Bill! Do you mind if I, uh, bring my teleprompters? See, there's some things I have written down that, um... I wanna say!
O'Reilly: No, no teleprompters. I hate teleprompters.
Obama: But, uh, Bill. They'll just be behind you for me...
O'Reilly: Fuck you, we're doing it live!
Obama: Yeah, but...
O'Reilly: WE'RE DOING IT LIVE! Fucking teleprompters.. suck!
Obama: Bill, Bill, just chill.
O'Reilly: Sorry.
Obama: It's alright.
Egypt[edit | edit source]
O'Reilly: So, Mubarak: Is he stepping down?
O'Reilly:
O'Reilly: Well, for one thing, we could invade their country, capture Mubarak and speed up the move towards Democracy. I mean, we'd be greeted as liberators.
Obama: I, uh... don't think that a good idea, Bill.
O'Reilly: Is it because you're pussy?
Obama: No, I am most certainly not a pussy. It's simply...
O'Reilly: I think it's because you're pussy.
Obama: Well, frankly, I think you're a big-mouthed blotchy fathead who probably hasn't got any from his wife since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Muslim Brotherhood[edit | edit source]
O'Reilly: Fair enough. What about the Muslim Brotherhood. Do you think they're a threat to the United States?
Obama: First off, on Muslim Brotherhood, I view Muslims as our brothers. All of us, Christian. Jew. Muslim. All faiths. And nonbelievers. Are all brothers in this big family we call, uh... humanity!
O'Reilly: So you symphatize with radical Islamists?
Obama: I didn't say that.
O'Reilly: But you implied it?
Obama: No, no. What I'm saying is my Muslim faith, I mean my Christian faith teaches me to view everyone as Alla- er, God's children and to love them as I love myself. Answering your question, I have no sympathy for religious radicals and I find anti-Americanism abhorent. *Looks left* *Looks right*
'O'Reilly: What's your stance on Christmas?
Obama: I like Christmas.
Everybody Hates Obama[edit | edit source]
O'Reilly: I bet you do. *squints eyes* You know, people hate you.
Obama: Excuse me?
O'Reilly: People hate you. A lot.
Obama:
O'Reilly: I noticed you left Reagan out of that analogy.
Obama: C'mon, Bill! It's his 100th birthday. I had to give the man a break.
O'Reilly: *laughs* Okay, sure. Would you say you're on the same level in the American people's minds as Mubarak is to the Egyptians? It's an honest question.
Obama: Only if you would be willing call the Tea Party the equivalant of the Muslim Brotherhood.
O'Reilly: Ahhhhh, you got me there!
Obama: I didn't even need my teleprompters!
ObamaCare[edit | edit source]
O'Reilly: Indeed. Speaking of how much you suck, ObamaCare
Obama:
Chances since becomming president[edit | edit source]
Football[edit | edit source]
O'Reilly: You know, have a cool and calm demeanor, even though I've practically been insulting you this entire time.
Obama:
O'Reilly: I have to say, I really respect that. Let's talk football! Who will you be rooting for in the Super Bowl?
Obama: The Pitsburg Steelers! Though I was, uh... disappointed. That the Bears lost to the Packers, but the Steelers is my other favorite team. See, uh... growing up in Hawaii. I didn't have a local team to root for, but the Steelers were on a winning streak, so they've always had a place in my heart.
O'Reilly: That's interesting. I'm a Packers fan, and I'm certain they're gonna beat the sorry Steelers.
Obama: *laughs* Well, we'll see.
O'Reilly: No, really. They're going to whoop your sorry butts! You'll spend the night crying into your pillow, asking God "Why?" but he won't listen, because he's a registered Republican.
Obama: Okay, Bill, cool it on the trash talk. I know you're just feeling a little insecure right now because you know in your heart the Peckers, I mean Packers, are going down tonight.
O'Reilly: Shut up, you liberal wuss!
Obama: Right-wing blowhard!
O'Reilly: Pinhead!
Obama: Cheesehead!
O'Reilly: BABY-MURDERER!
Obama: BLOTCHYYYYYY!
It was at this point the two men engaged in a political fist fight not seens since Stephen Douglass broke Abraham Lincoln's nose in 1858, to which Lincoln retaliated by breaking Douglass' spine in half. That infamous scene in American history was also fuckin' live and without teleprompters.