User:Kippy/UnNews:Kenneth runs for President
STONE MOUNTAIN, Georgia -- Standing outside the Chuckle Factory in his hometown of Stone Mountain, Georgia, NBC President Andromakennethamblesorten "Kenneth" Ellen Parcell officially announced his candidacy for President of the United States in the 2016 election:
| “ | Hey y'all! How's everyone doing on this pretty day? I'm great! In fact, I've been head of NBC for two years now, and I've loved every moment of it. Truthfully, I hoped to do this for 700 years! But I believe I have plenty of executive spirit and, gosh darn it, I know what the American people want. That is why I'm throwing my wig...I mean, hat...in the ring for President of the United States!
50! I meant to say 50 more years. |
” |
Working as in the NBC page program from 19hubduh to 2012, Kenneth Parcell literally made it to the top by loving television so much.
Running as a Republican, Kenneth has longtime friend and former NBC president Jack Donaghy working on his campaign staff.
Due to his Southern heritage and his heavy religiosity, Kenneth is considered a shoe-in for the South and the evangelical vote.
However, liberals are not so smittened. "Can you believe this guy," Senator Al Franken asked rhetorically. "He's like a one-note joke. And trust me, I know one-note jokes."
The very television network he runs has taken a jump on its satirical potshots. Tina Fey is already writing Saturday Night Live sketches spoofing Kenneth as an incompetent hillbilly, featuring his own celebrity doppelganger, Jack McBrayer. Kenneth, however, has taken all this in good heart, saying, "She's really funny! And this Jack fella really does kinda look like me!"
Meanwhile, the real world isn't so kind spirited toward sweet Kenneth. Already questions are rising about his eligibility for president. Considering his birth town of Stone Mountain, Georgie technically never rejoined the Union of the Civil, Kenneth is legally a foreigner and thus constitutionally ineligible for the office. Meanwhile, rumors are a buzz that he's actually much older than he looks. Witnesses coming forth claim to have known Kenneth for several decades working as a page for NBC, while he's allegedly seen dancing in footage over 60-years-old. There's currently an Internet campaign underway demanding Kenneth Parcell release his long-form birth certificate.
Despite these obstacles, Kenneth remains optimistic. "If your pure of heart," he said with a visible twinkle in his eye, "and you believe really hard, anything is possible!" He then gave a thumbs up and the biggest, brightest smile the world has ever seen.