User:Katie5000/Camille Bidan
| [[Image: ]] Don't shoot. He's a man. | |
| Nicknames: | the Blue-Haired Bandit |
|---|---|
| Disparaging Nicknames: | Anything with the word "girl" in it |
| Height: | less short |
| Weight: | twig-like |
| Education Level: | Some high school |
| Preferred Shoes: | Hush Puppies |
| Likes to Eat: | mac-and-cheese |
| Smoke/Drink: | No/Yes |
| Dots his i's with: | skulls |
| Allergies: | adults, lies, Your Mom |
| Favorite TV shows: | Miami Vice |
| Favorite Bands: | Black Sabbath, Rage Against The Machine |
“Camille's a MAN'S NAME! And I'M A MAN!!!”
“I'll let you ALL USE MY BODY!!!”
“I HATE YOU ADULTS and your LIES!!!”
“YOU WANT THE TRUTH?!? You can't HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
...Ahem. Camille Bidan was a young man who lived out on the Green Noa Colony of Side 7. He was your typical average high school student, participating in karate and the robotics club as well as getting beaten up and stuffed in lockers, smoking pot, and cutting himself at home when his parents weren't around. He had a friend named Fa who was inadvertently encouraging his suicide by nagging the hell out of him on a daily basis - he would try to run away from her, but she would still catch up, and once she did she never seemed to go away.
It was on one such occasion that Camille ended up punching out a Titan in a fit of RAEG! after having his masculinity questioned. He was thus forced to drop out of school and steal a Gundam to survive, which meant that he was not going to be getting a high school diploma. This, in turn, meant that his career options were extremely limited: he could either work as a janitor or join AEUG, until he took his GED or ended up dead - whichever came first. He decided to join AEUG, which seemed fun and exciting until they put him to work as a janitor cleaning up the Argama (the captain mumbled something about "not having a high school diploma").
Camille was promoted from "janitor" to "Gundam pilot" when he demonstrated 1337 p!l0t1ng sk1llz in his attempts to save his parents from death at the hands of the Titans. This meant that he could now start hanging out with Quattro Vagina in a futile attempt to try and get laid. It was about this time that Fa finally caught up to Camille on board the Argama. Dreading her incessant nagging (and inevitable cock-blocking), Camille ran away with Quattro to Earth to go hang out with Amuro and punch more Titans. It was while he was in Hong Kong buying bootleg tapes for Torres that Camille met Four Murasame. Four was kind of a fruit loop, but she was willing to sleep with Camille - that is, until he took his pants off and revealed his ambiguous genitals. Four's laughter at this would forever haunt him, even after he tried to explain to her that his ambiguous genitals were the result of his mother chain smoking while pregnant.
On his return to space, Camille was relieved to find that Fa was not on board the Argama. However, his relief would be short-lived as Fa would soon return from picking up the present that AEUG was giving to Camille for the "Congratulations, You're Still Alive" party they were throwing him. The people on the Argama had all chipped in to get Camille his very own shiny new Gundam - as a token of their appreciation, and to get him to stop stealing everybody else's MS's when he went to go sortie or cruise for chicks. Yes, the Zeta Gundam was really something else - it had an AM/FM radio and tape deck, two small subwoofers, a vibrating massage chair, and fuzzy dice in the cockpit, and it had an iridescent paint job and neon light accents on the outside. Camille could cruise for chicks in style - and then die of humiliation when they laughed at his genitals. Ahem.
Speaking of chicks, Camille was beginning to acquire quite a following. There was Reccoa, who was a non-stop flirt; Camille would've attempted to put the moves on her but strangely enough was being cock-blocked by Quattro himself; then there was Emma, who secretly liked him but couldn't get past her sense of professionalism long enough to really let herself go; then there was Sarah, who worked for the enigmatic Paptimus Scirocco - she still technically owed him for that ten dollar ice cream cone he'd bought her down on the Moon that one time; there was Fa, of course - she was always there, threatening to emasculate Camille for one reason or another; and then there was Four. It was on the second such occasion that Camille was fleeing to Earth with Quattro to go hang out with Amuro and punch more Titans that he met her again. This time they were at a military base, and Four was high as a kite. She insisted on piloting her giant robot even though she was under the influence. Camille tried to take the keys away, but to no avail. Needless to say, Four died.
Camille was beside himself with grief. The only way for him to endure Four's funeral was to drink himself stupid, and it was during the eulogy that he stood up and drunkenly declared that he was calling Quattro Vagina Char Aznable from now on, because Char Aznable was a total badass who got tons of chicks and would totally help Camille get laid. He then peed on a nearby ficus, stumbled off the stage, fell on his face, and passed out. When he sobered up, he was told that Char had made an inspirational speech in Dakar advocating extreme environmentalism and that they all had to go back into space or end up in gulags. Pondering how that would work out, Camille boarded a shuttle for space and returned to the Argama.
No sooner had Camille returned then Fa roped him into going on vacation with her to a nearby German-themed space colony. Frankly, Camille didn't relish going anywhere alone with Fa, who would use the opportunity to harangue him like it was going out of style. Anyway, while there, Camille met a woman named Rosamia, who kept attempting to flirt with him all the while claiming to be his sister. Needless to say, Camille was weirded out, while Fa had to be restrained after repeated attempts to punch Rosamia in the face for "invading her turf". The vacation was unceremoniously cut short when some asshole blew a hole in the side of the space colony and let all the oxygen out. Party over, everybody go home.
It was soon after this that Camille became acquainted with Haman Karn and Paptimus Scirocco himself, both of whom wanted to kill him dead since he apparently stood between them and conquering the world. It was about this time that Rosamia decided she wasn't Camille's sister anymore and tried to kill him dead, too. Eventually, all of this led to an epic final battle in which a giant laser was fired off and most of the main cast died like flies. Fortunately for Camille, he did not die, but unfortunately for Camille, neither did Fa. Upon finding this out, Camille promptly had a nervous breakdown.
Camille went on to have more wacky adventures despite being half-baked. Fa was still there, because she had found a way to make money following Camille around and bothering him instead of getting a real job. There were now some kids there too, looking to solve some mysteries with their dog (and steal everything not nailed down - including Camille's gundam). Haman Karn was still trolling what was left of AEUG, looking for men to throw into her sex dungeon because Char had gone missing. Fa managed to get the head shot off of Camille's gundam while going on a snack run and accidentally ending up in the wrong neighborhood. On the advice of the kleptomaniac kids now on the Argama, Fa took Camille down to Dublin, Ireland so that he could almost have a colony dropped on him. There was serious talk about revoking her "Camille-bothering" license after this, but ultimately the authorities allowed her to keep it. Camille eventually sobered back up, but to his horror realized that he was now stuck in Ireland with Fa forever. No one's heard from him since.