User:Joe9320/League of Legends
So, you heard about this game, called League of Legends? Basically it's some game that is a clone of Defense of the Ancients, a strategy game. But the makers of the game insists that they were inspired by DOTA, rather than copying the codes down to build a stripped down barebones version.
Nope. They didn't. Half of their employees used to work on that DOTA project. They made their maps.
Hang on, you said you never heard of League of Legends, or LoL for short? Let me explain for you again...
What in the Fuck is League of Legends?[edit | edit source]
League of Legends is a multiplayer online battle action game, or MOBA for short. That term is just made up by our marketing team at Riot Games. We are also 100% owned by a Chinese company you never heard of.
That game has a lot of players you know. It's even popular in Asia, especially in South Korea where StarCraft is now considered as uncool! Don't you want to play the game where you pit with four other people against five others with your character called a "champion", destroy each other's turrets and obliterate each other with magical abilities and other shit going on that God only knows?
Do you want to compete and become world-famous for your exploits in gaming? Are you interested in becoming like a Korean who plays nothing but video games every day and disregarding his homework commitments, his family, and his friends, because he wanted to hit big in the new frontier of sports called "electronic sports"?
Wait, you do? And you want to know how much it costs? Well...
It's Free![edit | edit source]
The game doesn't even cost ten cents! But they also have Riot Points in which you have to buy with real money, and you can use it to unlock different designs of your champions, runes, more champions, rune pages, more runes and others like a change in server in case you are dissatisfied with the server you are in.
And when you get killed off by an enemy champion, you don't lose gold, which is the number one reason of ragequitting in DotA! See? This game is superior to DotA because you don't lose gold upon death!
Thankfully they also got the IP system so you don't get fucked over by some guy who has this powerful champion you wanted, but you cannot afford to purchase one because you are either a young kid or you are an impoverished college kid in a dormitory who spent all his money on a brand new computer for education[1] but live on Top Ramen for 365 days a year. But what pisses me off is that you get only about hundreds of IP and you wanted that awesome champion you have to prepare to play the game everyday in order to be able to unlock that champion.
Hang on, you said you wanted to play the game once a week because you got work and education commitments? What? You think I'm a game addict? I'm not a game addict!
Never mind, I'll bring you to that next part of League of Legends. Of course you got to install the damn game; how can you play that without it being installed? Just Google "League of Legends" and follow the instructions on how to download after you sign up.
Pre-Game[edit | edit source]
We got threefour maps for you to choose from. The Twisted Treeline, Summoner's Rift, Howling Abyss and The Crystal Scar. Summoner's Rift is a 5 vs. 5 game in which teams of five that is similar to basketball destroy turrets; destroy the opposing team that will eventually respawn in an arbitrary number of seconds such as 42 that increases with each champion level and each time you get killed; and then destroy the enemy gem thingy that spits out minions called a "Nexus". Everybody rushes in to play this map and nowhere else. Any resemblance of the Summoner's Rift map to the DOTA map is purely coincidental; please for the love of God guys, don't take me to the cleaners.
Then you get Twisted Treeline, which is just a 3 vs. 3 version of Summoner's Rift. There was a story that there is a server that does not have this game mode, and there were calls to bring that game mode in. Since then, Riot decided that they will have this game mode every Friday until midnight. And then the Crystal Scar, which is some game mode that draws cues from the Domination game modes in first-person shooters like Cock off Doody: Goatse.
Click "Play". Now click Summoner's Rift. OK, it will take a few minutes until a new game starts.
It just started? What are you waiting for? Just click start or something! Quick!
Now just pick a champion. There's as many champions you can play as in League of Legends as there are Pokémon. Each champion has a unique set of abilities, and are part of a larger group of classes. You got the fighters, the tanks, the mages, the marksmen and the support team. There's also a jungler team. I'm going mid, where the mages, or should I say, "Ability Power Carry", go to.
What? You're saying what the fuck am I talking about? There are three different paths going to an enemy base called lanes. There is the top lane, middle lane (or "mid") and bottom lane (or "bot"). The top lane and bottom lanes are above and below the middle lane respectively. You got that? Seeing as you are a noob, pick support. That's the one when you have to protect me, ward the whole playing field and assist the other players in destroying the turrets. It's an easy job, and it's not that stressful.
So who do you pick?
And don't even think about locking in just as you selected your champion. If you pick your champion instantly without waiting for a few seconds, we will rage and scream at you demanding to get the fuck out now! So what if you lose some LP or you will get banned? You fucking deserve it if you instalock!
10 seconds left. HURRY UP AND PICK YOU FUCK!
The Game[edit | edit source]
So you picked your own champ. What champ is it?
Oh, you just destroyed my turret, you fucking noob.
What? I'm just talking to myself. It's not directed to you, you know, I mean- just go back warding the lanes.
Tribunal[edit | edit source]
Everyone gets a day in court. The Tribunal is no exception. This was created by Riot Games to deal with people like <insert name here> who aids the opposing team, feeds [2], fucks things up, kept dying thirty times (see "feeding") and generally behaving like a giant dick to others. What? You said that someone reported you for being a noob? Fucking hypocrites, I hate them. I'm reporting that dickhead down tot he tribunal for acting like a total douche to us because of the stupid mistakes he made.
Trying to leave the game, are you?[edit | edit source]
Hold your horses, kiddo. You wanted to piss, shit or even go out to help someone for even a minute? Oh wait, did someone got a stroke and you need to call 911 for emergency? Tough, we'll ban you for a day because you abandoned your teammates to attend reality for a minute.
Fucking Teemo[edit | edit source]
I hate Teemo. You know how much I hate Teemo? This guy is an annoying little shit. Oh, you're asking me what the hell is a Teemo? It's a small, furry rat-like creature that plants mushroom bombs and shoots poison darts at the enemy target. In this case, he's targeting us.
eSports[edit | edit source]
Since it isn't League of Legends without eSports, I would like to tell you the truth, right now:
ESPORTS IS NOT A REAL SPORT!
I don't care if you have seen a bunch of Koreans playing against each other in this game in some stadium in Seoul for prize money of ten million won, or ten Zimbabweans competing over for fifty trillion Zimbabwean dollars, which is in real money pretty worthless, or ten losers desperate to go to college but their moms and dads couldn't afford Timmy a million dollars for tuition at UCLA so they have to fight over in the North American Collegiate Series so that the money for their scholarships could be paid upfront, since in the United States you have to take a loan in order to go to college which can be pretty big and will take years to repay off, and I'm not sure what was the case in your country but that least in that country your take out a government loan to go to college or they might even pay the college tuition fees, making your whole university experience debt-free/
It's a fucking illusion. All you get are people who wanted to use you, in exchange for all the fame and fans and the money. Yes, the money. These people will ruin every single chance you get to win and claim glory. They'll rig the game. They'll give you peanuts while they run off with millions. You get fame but you still remain poor. Those guys who are going to use you are evil. They eat souls. Riot Games know that there are teams who have been decimated by financial problems and scandals. But Riot's not gonna save your sorry ass in case your team falls apart. Not even in Korea. There was a match-fixing scandal where a player of a team ended up attempting suicide because he did not want to be involved in the whole match-fixing problem.
I got a League of Legends American Express Debit Card[edit | edit source]
It's American Express. Or should I say, Demacian Express?
I mean, this debit prepaid card is the shit. I registered for one since I got an actual job at McDonald's flipping burgers, put my $20 in and out came 2000 Riot Points. They also checked my credit history, and they said that I am OK. It was a prepaid card with a certain amount of money in it, and every time I buy stuff I get Riot Points on it so I could buy this new skin or some extra stuff. Unfortunately I spent $500 with that debit card within a space of three months and now I'm broke, with the last balance reading close to zero. My parents were not just disappointed, but also really pissed off that I wasted all of the money so that I could get Riot Points.
Later in October 2013, American Express stated that there will be a fee for using that debit card, similar to the fees in their other credit cards and debit cards. I was really disappointed, but at the same time I was angry that American Express changed the rules around, so I cancelled the debit card.