User:Hipponias/Emperor Taizong of Tang
Emperor Taizong of Tang (personal name Li Shimin) was the second Emperor of China.
Sibling rivalry[edit | edit source]
Li Shimin had a long history of sibling rivalry with his brothers, Crown Prince Li 'Joe' Jiancheng, a successful rapper who made albums under the name 'Vaishra', and Li Yuanji, a partying playboy. Li Shimin accused Joe of 'being Daddy's pet' and called Li Yuanji a 'poopypants' who always messed things up.
Xuanwu Gate Incident[edit | edit source]
On 2 July 626, Li Shimin received word that his brothers were plotting to prank him with a bucket of water balanced over the front door of his palace. He was able to leave by a side door, but planned revenge. As they led their armies through Xuanwu Gate, Li Shimin invited them to a friendly tea party. Li Yuanji tried to fire arrows at him, but Li Shimin immediately pulled out an RPG and obliterated him, along with his entire army. Meanwhile, Joe tried to run away, but was gunned down by Li Shimin's elite machine gunner corps.
Li Shimin later wrote to his father, citing the RPG explosion as 'a misfire' and the death of Joe 'a wholly unintended accident'. His officials then politely petitioned the Emperor to abdicate, while helpfully reminding him of the size of the surrounding army.
Eastern Turks[edit | edit source]
Tang Taizong faced the classic 'noisy neighbor' problem with the Eastern Turks, who lived on China's Northern border. They were singing Karaoke late at night, massively increasing military earplug expenditures in border forts. The Turks flatly refused to stop playing music at 10pm, so, in 629, a massive military expedition was launched. Soldiers with sledgehammers smashed every jukebox, guitar, and microphone they could find. The strength of the Turks was totally destroyed, and they could not play music until the formation of the Second Turkic Karaoke in 682.
Skyping with Byzantium[edit | edit source]
In 643, a Byzantine embassy arrived, laden with glass, gemstones, and Constans II's Skype number. Over the years, Emperor Taizong made many calls with him, exchanging genocide tips and competing on the number of nobles executed. However, as there was no 4G coverage in most of Central Asia at the time, disconnections were common. Communications with the Byzantines would continue, until the An Lushan Rebellion destroyed every single 5G router in Chang'an 100 years later.
Death[edit | edit source]
In the summer of 649, Taizong caught a small cold and promptly went to the imperial pharmacy for some paracetamol and a thermometer. However, he misread the instructions and drank the liquid inside the thermometer, while putting the paracetamol packet under his armpits in a vain attempt to get his temperature.
Taizong wanted Li Zhi to be Emperor after him, with Li Shiji as Chancellor. However, he feared that Shiji would not be submissive to Li Zhi. To test his loyalty, Taizong sent him to the remote Fuck You Die Prefecture (叠州) on the border with Tibet with orders that, if he lost his virginity, to execute him immediately. However, if he did not (and survived the Tibetan zombie swarms) he would be summoned to the capital after Taizong's death. Luckily, Shiji had packed condoms and managed to fit his Gatling Gun onto a cart. He survived.